Last New Year's Eve I set some goals/resolutions that I wanted to acheive this year. Here's how I did:
1. Finally get healthy. - I am going to vote this one a thumbs up. I have lost 40 lbs thus far and have grown so much when it comes to know what I need to be doing to be a healthier person. It is still a struggle everday to get up and get to the gym, but Zumba makes life a lot easier...now if I could just get a chef to come cook delicious, healthy foods for me, I would have this down!
2. Read 52 books by December 31, 2011. - Epic failure. I think I only made it half way through this goal. I was pretty on track until we bought a house and went on three very busy trips this summer and then I started back to full time work.
3. Create a loving and nurturing and drama free environment in my home. - This is an ever constant work in progress. I have learned a lot about Sam and I over the last 365 days and our relationship continues to be a loving journey with a few bumps in the road. He is continuing to learn that sometimes I just need a hug and I am continuing to learn that sometimes he's not mad at me, he is mad at the situation. I still can't keep my house as clean as I would like, but that comes with the territory of working full time and choosing to spend my evenings with my husband and my friends instead of doing dishes and scrubbing the floors.
4. Be open to what God is trying to tell me and quit fighting Him. - This was really difficult for me. In June I went to Puerto Rico hoping for something big to happen and boy, did it. It wasn't an earth shattering, life changing single moment, but merely the start of a opportunity for a very dear friend that has led to more prayer and thought and tears than I ever thought possible. November brought the final culmination of it all, and starting on January 15, Sam and I will lead our Epicenter Youth Group without our very dear friend. While out driving the other day, I saw a church sign that said "Don't ask God to move you if you aren't willing to pick up your feet." Well, its time for me to pick up my feet.
5. Try to love everyone with intensity and passion so that they may know God's love through me for as long as our paths cross. Some people are only in our lives for a short period of time, and I want to impact everyone in the best possible way. - Without going into too much detail, this resolution has changed and is continuing to change my life.
So, there are my goals for the next 361 days. I'll try to keep an updated list of my books and how things are going. Thanks!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
A mermaid or a whale?: What life is like as a mer-whale.
Recently, a picture (of a beautiful woman, who is also naked, so you will not see it pictured here) has been floating around facebook with this story underneath:
"A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist. But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends. We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies. We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated. Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn) Feel free to tag yourselves :)"
Ummmm....what if I am a mer-whale?
I realize that there is a severely perverse body image problem in the world and this letter makes a very good argument at what appears to be a very insensitive advertisement, but I don't feel like I can condone being a "whale." As shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Dance Your A** Off, and other shows continue to have great popularity week after week, it brings to light all of the problems that obesity brings. I know that we should not be forcing girls into the unhealthy image that we all need to skinny and look like a stick bug, but I don't feel like we should be complacent and just let women increase their risk of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and stroke while decreasing their life expentency, and in quite a few cases, their ability to conceive children.
Most of you (friends and facebook "creepers" alike) have been keeping up with me on my wieght loss journey over the past 9 months. I started out weighing 213.5 lb on January 1st, 2011 and this morning, when I stepped on the scale it said 174.8. I've lost an average of 4.5 lbs a month and (not to sound self righteous) I'm not starving myself. I'm not working out 40 hours a week. I'm just doing things the best way I know how. I food journal as I am able, I exercize 3-5 times a week, and I cheat every now and again (sorry, but anyone who can give up Coke, chocolate, french fies and delivery pizza all at the same time is not living) I know that I will never be skinny girl but that does not I am given a free pass to let myself be unhealthy. I feel like I am nearing the point where I don't have a whole lot left to lose, but that doesn't mean that I should revert back to my old habits of burgers and ice cream. If I have learned one thing over the course of my wieght struggles, it's that pills, shakes, diets, cleanses, and the like are just temporary (and sometimes dangerous) fixes that never last. A healthy lifestyle isn't supposed to last 2 weeks or 90 days. A lifestyle is supposed to last your whole life!
When I started this whole journey, it was about a game. It was about a 12 week challenge to try and drop as much weight as possible and win a few prizes from our local radio station. Now its about staying healthy, eating food that is good for me, and living a life with my husband that I once never thought possible. I'm sure most of you know this, but I'll inform you anyway. I think my husband is a hunk. He's tall and strong looking with broad shoulders and legs that show off his 20 year soccer career. When Sam and I first started dating, I felt like other girls looked at us and thought "What is he doing with her?" Now, when I walk into a room with the love of my life, I feel like people think "Wow. What a beautiful couple." After getting married, I spent many a conversation with close friends about my fear of fertility problems. Now, after dropping several points off of my BMI, I have increased my ability to concieve, while decreasing my risk of infertility, anovulation (a period without an egg), miscarraige, and polycistic ovarian syndrome.
Weight and size aren't everything, but loving your body is. Treating it with respect is. Living life to the fullest and appreciating the beautiful structure that God gave me to live in is.
This isn't a blog to scare women into being thin. This isn't a blog disrepecting my body or any of the bodies of my friends who are all beautiful and wonderful creations of the Father that loves us so very much. This blog is a call to the end of complacently because you think things can't change. They can. This blog is to promote awareness that you can be overwieght and still healthy (I out-Zumbaed a lot of "skinny-chicks" in my certification class and I can run and stretch a lot better as a size 12 than some of the size 2 people that I know).
What this blog is about is respecting yourself, forgetting the number on the scale or inside your waistsband, and remembering what it felt like as a child to ride your bike around the block without getting winded. To learn what your body feels like after a yummy and healthy meal. And to experience the crazy glow after a good workout.
Don't let the proverbial "man" get you down about your wieght or your size, but don't be afraid to take that first step towards a healthy life. Taking a walk isn't giving in to society's strange rules on body image, it's giving you a way to make yourself healthier.
Women are crazy strong creatures who also have the amazing ability to comfort and uplift each other. So talk to me, talk to a friend, a counselor, a personal trainer, and start your lifestyle today.
So, whether you are a "mermaid or a whale," a 2 or a 22, get healthy. Grow in God and learn to love yourself where ever you are on your journey and don't be afraid to take that first step.
Love,
Your dear friend and constant encourager
"A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist. But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends. We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies. We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated. Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn) Feel free to tag yourselves :)"
Ummmm....what if I am a mer-whale?
I realize that there is a severely perverse body image problem in the world and this letter makes a very good argument at what appears to be a very insensitive advertisement, but I don't feel like I can condone being a "whale." As shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Dance Your A** Off, and other shows continue to have great popularity week after week, it brings to light all of the problems that obesity brings. I know that we should not be forcing girls into the unhealthy image that we all need to skinny and look like a stick bug, but I don't feel like we should be complacent and just let women increase their risk of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and stroke while decreasing their life expentency, and in quite a few cases, their ability to conceive children.
Most of you (friends and facebook "creepers" alike) have been keeping up with me on my wieght loss journey over the past 9 months. I started out weighing 213.5 lb on January 1st, 2011 and this morning, when I stepped on the scale it said 174.8. I've lost an average of 4.5 lbs a month and (not to sound self righteous) I'm not starving myself. I'm not working out 40 hours a week. I'm just doing things the best way I know how. I food journal as I am able, I exercize 3-5 times a week, and I cheat every now and again (sorry, but anyone who can give up Coke, chocolate, french fies and delivery pizza all at the same time is not living) I know that I will never be skinny girl but that does not I am given a free pass to let myself be unhealthy. I feel like I am nearing the point where I don't have a whole lot left to lose, but that doesn't mean that I should revert back to my old habits of burgers and ice cream. If I have learned one thing over the course of my wieght struggles, it's that pills, shakes, diets, cleanses, and the like are just temporary (and sometimes dangerous) fixes that never last. A healthy lifestyle isn't supposed to last 2 weeks or 90 days. A lifestyle is supposed to last your whole life!
When I started this whole journey, it was about a game. It was about a 12 week challenge to try and drop as much weight as possible and win a few prizes from our local radio station. Now its about staying healthy, eating food that is good for me, and living a life with my husband that I once never thought possible. I'm sure most of you know this, but I'll inform you anyway. I think my husband is a hunk. He's tall and strong looking with broad shoulders and legs that show off his 20 year soccer career. When Sam and I first started dating, I felt like other girls looked at us and thought "What is he doing with her?" Now, when I walk into a room with the love of my life, I feel like people think "Wow. What a beautiful couple." After getting married, I spent many a conversation with close friends about my fear of fertility problems. Now, after dropping several points off of my BMI, I have increased my ability to concieve, while decreasing my risk of infertility, anovulation (a period without an egg), miscarraige, and polycistic ovarian syndrome.
Weight and size aren't everything, but loving your body is. Treating it with respect is. Living life to the fullest and appreciating the beautiful structure that God gave me to live in is.
This isn't a blog to scare women into being thin. This isn't a blog disrepecting my body or any of the bodies of my friends who are all beautiful and wonderful creations of the Father that loves us so very much. This blog is a call to the end of complacently because you think things can't change. They can. This blog is to promote awareness that you can be overwieght and still healthy (I out-Zumbaed a lot of "skinny-chicks" in my certification class and I can run and stretch a lot better as a size 12 than some of the size 2 people that I know).
What this blog is about is respecting yourself, forgetting the number on the scale or inside your waistsband, and remembering what it felt like as a child to ride your bike around the block without getting winded. To learn what your body feels like after a yummy and healthy meal. And to experience the crazy glow after a good workout.
Don't let the proverbial "man" get you down about your wieght or your size, but don't be afraid to take that first step towards a healthy life. Taking a walk isn't giving in to society's strange rules on body image, it's giving you a way to make yourself healthier.
Women are crazy strong creatures who also have the amazing ability to comfort and uplift each other. So talk to me, talk to a friend, a counselor, a personal trainer, and start your lifestyle today.
So, whether you are a "mermaid or a whale," a 2 or a 22, get healthy. Grow in God and learn to love yourself where ever you are on your journey and don't be afraid to take that first step.
Love,
Your dear friend and constant encourager
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Where was I?
Ten years ago I was a sophomore in high school, sitting in journalism class. Life was scary because I had papers due, I didn't have many friends, and I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I am sitting in the home that I own with my husband that we were only able to afford because someone couldn't anymore because of the recession, and life is scary because those who "run" our country won't quit fighting, the media swings the vote instead of letting people know the true issues at hand, more people are living without jobs, more people are hungry, more people are bullied for what they believe, ways they act, and who they are. Life is scary because friends are fighting a never ending war against terrorists, cancer, against grief and loss and disease since 9-11-01, and against unseen dark forces that move in our world. Please, God, let peace start now.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A thousand beautiful things: The beginning
So, another beginning in my life. Another journey. This one towards more joy and less stress. More peace and less whining.
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| #1. The telephone nook in our home with pictures and memories of Sam and I and shells I have collected from the falls in Joplin. |
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| #2. A hard worker who happens to look adorable in a baseball cap. |
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| #3. A cat who loves crafting just as much as I do. |
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| #4. Tie-dyed hands after a night spent teaching a friend. |
Monday, September 5, 2011
Stolen from a friend who stole it from someone else.
One of my dearest and bestest friends in the world has taught me so much. She has helped me through rough patches in my marriage, talked me down from countless anxiety attacks, taught me cooking secrets, and has joined me on a plethora of crafting adventures. This summer she started a series entitled "A Thousand Beautiful Things."
At first, I kind of laughed at her an thought to myself "A thousand things? In this world? Probably not." I kind of stuck with this mentality until last night at youth group.
For our fall schedule, we are walking the kids through the fruit of the Spirit. Sam and Greg and I talked with them last night about what fruit they thought was the easiest for them and what they thought was the hardest. As I sat there pondering their answers, I couldn't help but realize that I try really hard to be gentle and kind and I try to exhibit some semblance of self- control, but when it comes to joy and peace, I tend to run in the opposite direction. Maybe, if I start focusing on the beauty that does truly exist in this world (yes, even in North Platte), maybe I will find some peace in my life and learn to feel joy in a way that I have ignored for so long.
At first, I kind of laughed at her an thought to myself "A thousand things? In this world? Probably not." I kind of stuck with this mentality until last night at youth group.
For our fall schedule, we are walking the kids through the fruit of the Spirit. Sam and Greg and I talked with them last night about what fruit they thought was the easiest for them and what they thought was the hardest. As I sat there pondering their answers, I couldn't help but realize that I try really hard to be gentle and kind and I try to exhibit some semblance of self- control, but when it comes to joy and peace, I tend to run in the opposite direction. Maybe, if I start focusing on the beauty that does truly exist in this world (yes, even in North Platte), maybe I will find some peace in my life and learn to feel joy in a way that I have ignored for so long.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Five Sermons that Changed Everything
I don’t believe myself to be anyone out of the ordinary when I say that when I was little I didn’t listen to the sermons. I was either sent down to Children’s Church or too busy working on my children’s bulletin to be bothered by what the old guy in the pulpit was saying. Through my teen years, I spent a fair amount of time in the nursery helping out and when I was a church camp, I would spend my time doodling the name of the flavor of the week at camp that all of the girls had their eye on. Even when I got to college, it was hard to focus in on what the pastor was saying. I floated from church to church, not really feeling like I belonged and then when I finally did find a church that I liked, I decided I much rather liked spending my time keeping the DK girls entertained. When I wasn’t entertaining them, I normally spent the sermon fretting and stewing over the next choir concert or theatre production or my lack of any sort of a future mate or a issue that my friend was having.
My ears where completely shut off. When I worked at the BHP, the closest church was 20 minutes away and I had to be at the box office by 11am so it just didn’t work and when I was on tour, we normally traveled 5 to 6 hours on Sunday so we didn’t go to church very often, and when we did, I was too busy acting the part of the fun little director that had just led all of their children in a wonderful production. After a year of almost no church, I moved back home and going back to church felt like I was resurfacing after a deep dive underwater. I could breathe again. With aching lungs, I yearned to breathe in more and more of what was going on around me theologically and in ministry.
Since my return to North Platte, I have learned to listen to sermons. Given, my mind still wanders from time to time, but I do listen. And in the course of listening, my life has been changed. My faith box has been flipped upside down and I’ve spent the past two years of my life sorting and sifting through everything in there. I've picked up every piece and examined it. Determined if it was worth keeping or throwing away. Over the course of my self examination, I have read different books, talked to different people, and continued to listen. But this entry isn't a review on Love Wins and its not a test in freshmen Intro to Christianity. This entry is about the five specific sermons that I remember more than any of the rest, and will carry with me through the rest of my life.
1. Significance v. Success - Greg Mamula on Graduation Sunday 2010 - I’ve mentioned this sermon in a previous post but it definitely deserves mentioning again. His opening story (because almost every good pastor opens with a story of some sort) told about how, when he was younger and growing up on the upper east coast, he and his friends would enjoy taking a walk through the cemetery to look at all the old graves. He said it was interesting to calculate at how long people had lived in the 1800's and what people had chosen to have put on their headstones. Greg wanted to have something put on his about how he was the greatest baseball player ever. Greg then went on to talk about Simon Peter and the choice he had to make as a fisherman. Does he stay and continue to lead a life as a successful fisherman or does he choose to lead a life of significance by throwing down his nets and following Jesus?
This sermon impacted me because I was at a time in my life where I was very frustrated with this town and all the political ramifications it holds. Did I want to continue to live my life of success or was I ready to put it all aside and choose the less popular decision to live a life of significance? This sermon was my do or die moment when it came to my faith, and I haven't looked back since. A lot of my decisions have not been popular, and I'm sure a lot a my critics would laugh at some of the choices that I have made, but I'm trying to live significantly, and I really don't have time for the success of this world.
2. You are a Masterpiece - Greg Mamula on closing night of Mid-High I 2010 at Camp Moses Merrill - As we had less than 20 campers there that week and as they all professed to have given their hearts to Jesus, instead of the usual closing night sermon of “God loves you and wants to save you from the sin you are living in so lets all bow our heads together and pray and you can raise your hands if you want someone to pray with you” bit, Greg opted for something a little bit different. He gave them each a piece of paper and some crayons and told them to create. And while they created, he spoke. He chose to tell these 6th, 7th, and 8th grade boys and girls that they are wonderfully and beautifully made and the God of all creation is delighted in them. We watched a video at the end from the Skit Guys that depicted God “chiseling” away all of our imperfections. It hurts, and it can be hard to let go of pride and jealousy and selfishness, but if you give God the hammer and chisel, he’ll turn you into a beautiful masterpiece.
This sermon hit hard after a long week of spending time with campers, dealing with friends who were struggling in their marriage, and working through an internal debate about who I truly believed God to be and what his plans were for me. I’ve been overweight for most of my life and spent the better part of 22 years as a single girl. I had the same self esteem that I did in 4th grade when everyone had spice girl CDs and blue and purple shiny, puffy coats and I was listening to Kim Boyce on a tape cassette walkman. I had never been popular, well liked, or very attractive. Could God really find me beautiful even when the world didn’t always share his opinion?
3. Strange Waters - Tom Wiles sometime in early spring 2011 at First Baptist Church, North Platte - The most vivid thing I remember about this sermon was that Tom told a joke how some guy always knew how to find his favorite fishing spot because when he found where the fish were biting, he’d take a piece of chalk, lean out of the side of the boat, and draw a big “X” on the side so he would know where to come back to the next time he went fishing. Super entertaining joke, but the main point of the message talked about how we need to pray to go to strange waters. We spend so much time floating around in the same tiny circle, we forget that there is a lot more ocean out there. Instead of sitting around, being complacent, and not moving, we should be praying that God leads us into strange waters so that we can grow. So that we change and be stretched in our faith. So that we can reach outside of our tiny little bubble that we live in and help someone.
I have really been struggling through whether or not I’m supposed to go in to ministry full time or if I’m supposed to just continue being an active layperson in my church. I mean, seriously, there is need for every kind of person in the church and just because I'm not (or you're not) a senior pastor at a mega church does not mean that you do not have a place as a servant in God's kingdom. This sermon helped me realize that at this point in time it doesn’t really matter whether I’ve made up my mind about joining the ministry professionally or not, what matters is that I look for and strive towards strange waters. It matters that I go to Puerto Rico to learn more about my faith. It matters that I go to Joplin to work along side my husband and our family to try and alleviate some of the anguish and the struggle that some people are facing down there. It matters that I go to St. Louis to spend a week with some of the most beautiful children I have ever interacted with and show them the love of Christ. It matters that I go to youth group and develop relationships with “my girls” and attempt to play ultimate frisbee with the boys. It matters that I sing. It matters that I create. It matters that I try and smile at everyone that I meet in hopes that their day might be made a little bit brighter by simply catching a smile from a stranger.
Keep swimming, rowing, or whatever, towards those strange waters. You’ll never know what you will find there.
4. Survive, Thrive, Get Out Alive (Celebrate God’s Glory) - Dr. Carolyn Gordon during the Friday night worship session at the American Baptist International Biennial Convention in Puerto Rico, June 2011 - Dr. Gordon spoke to a massive crowd of American Baptists on the opening night of worship. She spoke of living in a spiritual desert. She spoke of how difficult it can be we you are feeling spiritually deprived. Beautifully, she told of the crocus and how it blossoms in the dessert in spite of not having any water and in spite of the severe lack of a possibility that it’s seeds will spread. I heard her talk about yearning for an oasis. How we need to learn to focus on the fact that even though we may walk through a really dry and difficult time in our faith journey, there is water and relief at the end. Its mundanely cliche to say, but rough difficult times often lead to times of wonderful blessing and fruition.
This was maybe the first time in my entire life where I felt like someone addressing a crowd was speaking directly to me. Almost a year before I left for Puerto Rico (and the night before Greg told me about the opportunity to audition) I had the most surreal dream that a very dear friend of mine and I were auditioning for something at our church and she wanted to sing "America" from West Side Story. The only problem was, she could only remember the opening line so we stood up on the stage and just sang "Puuuuueeerto Ricooooo" over and over and over again. Then, the night before my flight to Puerto Rico, I had another dream where that same friend and I were at a different church, and this time we were showing up to perform for the congregation. Since Greg and I auditioned, I had just had this feeling that something BIG was going to happen in Puerto Rico. I knew there was going to be some life changing moment when I was there. Some big hand coming out of the rain clouds and pointing in a certain direction while that God voice boomed from above saying "Do this. Go there. Serve here."...So I went to Puerto Rico. I went with a bursting heart and open ears and a mouth full of prayer in the hopes and the anticipation that something was going happen. And I got sunburned. Went to meetings. Bought souvenirs. Ate some amazing food. Spent some seriously meaningful time in conversation. And I worshiped with some 2,000 other Christians...but there was no big hand from the sky; no booming voice from the clouds. Not even a whisper in the deepest part of my soul.
Sitting in the audience that Friday night I was just lost. I had felt that I had been sitting on a sand dune in that stupid, proverbial desert for over a year with no end in sight. Even though I returned to North Platte with a smile on my face, telling everyone how wonderful it was (and believe me, it was a beyond amazing experience), I felt so defeated. But buried deep down in my defeat was a little seed of hope. Hope that Puerto Rico was the oasis that I needed and soon I would be past the desert and be free to blossom in the full glory of God's love. Currently, I am still feeling the heat, but I believe in my heart of hearts that it is getting cooler, and water is just on the horizon.
5. Your Reputation v. God’s Identity - Tom Wiles two weeks before our youth group left of St. Louis (July 2011) First Baptist Church, North Platte - In this sermon, Pastor Tom brought up lots of different people in lots of different situations, but his main point resounded in me just like Greg's sermon about significance vs. success. Tom talked about Joseph and how he chose to give up his reputation as a well known carpenter and a respectable part of Jewish society to take on God's identity for him as the husband of the woman that was carrying the Messiah. What would you have done?
This sermon came just as our youth group was making the final preparations to leave for our mission trip to St. Louis. And while the sermon hit home while I was sitting in the pew, it wasn't until later in the week that I really chewed on it. I was sitting upstairs at the Christian Activity Center in East St. Louis with my new BFF, nine-year-old Donjahnae, and she was braiding yarn into my hair. While she was weaving away she chatted about her home life and what she liked to do at school and how she had a fairly new baby brother. Another group was working there at the same time that we were and while they were not overly accommodating to our group, we tried to be friendly. So when they interrupted my salon session with Donjahnae and asked us all to come downstairs for a brief bible lesson, we obliged. The leader of the other group was a preacher who, if you ask me, didn't take his audience into account. That guy spent the better part of fifteen minutes telling those kids (most of whom come from households that live on a $6,000 a year income) to be grateful for what they have. You are telling these kids to be grateful? These kids. We snuck extra snacks into our lunch so that we could share them with these kids. We drove through their neighborhoods on our way to the center and saw the homes of these kids. We heard the stories of missing daddies and tired mommies from these kids. AND we caught some of the biggest smiles and received some of the warmest hugs from these kids. These kids have so little compared to all of the crap that we all have sitting around our home and yet the willingly open up their sweet little hearts every week to the random new volunteers that come in and say thank you when the drive away. These kids don't need a lesson in how to be grateful....Sorry. I digress. As I sat there in this crowded and stuffy room all I could do was tear up. Donjahnae turned around and looked me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes and whispered "Brittany. Why you cryin'?" And I looked down at her and the only thing I could tell her in response was, "Friend, I am crying because I love you so much and because the God that created you and I loves you even more than either one of us could imagine." She smiled back with a look of shock and awe that only a child can show, then she wiped a tear from her eye and snuggled closer to me.
I thought about my reputation and God's identity for me again and again that week. I thought about it every time I climbed the four flights of stairs to the small room that I shared with two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I thought about it when I Zumbaed with 20 campers from 6 different states. And I thought about it as I, the ever unpopular one, made friends with people that weren't even from our mission group or church. And I thought about it every night as Sam, Greg and I sat down with our youth group to debrief the day's events and pray together for each other, our mission sites, and those we had left at home.
My reputation or God's identity for me? If my reputation was what I left behind in North Platte and God's identity for me was this new life that I had discovered with Donjahnae, and the wonderful girls that I bonded with, and the boys from our youth group that I laughed with, and with my sweet boys from Louisiana (Oh Grayson, Kennay, Landon, and Brady!), is there really a choice in that?
I have been home for almost two weeks now, and in that time I have started a new job, worked on half a dozen craft projects, and my husband has ripped out all of the tile and some of the plaster in our upstairs bathroom and is replacing a window as we speak. A lot has happened and my mind has felt a little muddled. When that happens, I tend to lapse into "facebook thought." This normally happens during periods of high stress or after spending copious amounts of time on this forsaken social networking site. I sure you can laugh with me when I say that I sometimes sink into thinking thoughts that are only as long as a status update. So, if you have read all of this ridiculously long blog (or just skimmed through to the end just to see if I ever actually made a point) and still have no idea what I am talking about, then here it what it boils down to:
My job is just my job. But my purpose in life is to SERVE the Alpha and Omega, to LOVE everyone that I come into contact with, and to CREATE with passion because God has blessed me with so many beautiful things around me and with the ambition to share His works with others through any media possible.
--
-Brittany
My ears where completely shut off. When I worked at the BHP, the closest church was 20 minutes away and I had to be at the box office by 11am so it just didn’t work and when I was on tour, we normally traveled 5 to 6 hours on Sunday so we didn’t go to church very often, and when we did, I was too busy acting the part of the fun little director that had just led all of their children in a wonderful production. After a year of almost no church, I moved back home and going back to church felt like I was resurfacing after a deep dive underwater. I could breathe again. With aching lungs, I yearned to breathe in more and more of what was going on around me theologically and in ministry.
Since my return to North Platte, I have learned to listen to sermons. Given, my mind still wanders from time to time, but I do listen. And in the course of listening, my life has been changed. My faith box has been flipped upside down and I’ve spent the past two years of my life sorting and sifting through everything in there. I've picked up every piece and examined it. Determined if it was worth keeping or throwing away. Over the course of my self examination, I have read different books, talked to different people, and continued to listen. But this entry isn't a review on Love Wins and its not a test in freshmen Intro to Christianity. This entry is about the five specific sermons that I remember more than any of the rest, and will carry with me through the rest of my life.
1. Significance v. Success - Greg Mamula on Graduation Sunday 2010 - I’ve mentioned this sermon in a previous post but it definitely deserves mentioning again. His opening story (because almost every good pastor opens with a story of some sort) told about how, when he was younger and growing up on the upper east coast, he and his friends would enjoy taking a walk through the cemetery to look at all the old graves. He said it was interesting to calculate at how long people had lived in the 1800's and what people had chosen to have put on their headstones. Greg wanted to have something put on his about how he was the greatest baseball player ever. Greg then went on to talk about Simon Peter and the choice he had to make as a fisherman. Does he stay and continue to lead a life as a successful fisherman or does he choose to lead a life of significance by throwing down his nets and following Jesus?
This sermon impacted me because I was at a time in my life where I was very frustrated with this town and all the political ramifications it holds. Did I want to continue to live my life of success or was I ready to put it all aside and choose the less popular decision to live a life of significance? This sermon was my do or die moment when it came to my faith, and I haven't looked back since. A lot of my decisions have not been popular, and I'm sure a lot a my critics would laugh at some of the choices that I have made, but I'm trying to live significantly, and I really don't have time for the success of this world.
2. You are a Masterpiece - Greg Mamula on closing night of Mid-High I 2010 at Camp Moses Merrill - As we had less than 20 campers there that week and as they all professed to have given their hearts to Jesus, instead of the usual closing night sermon of “God loves you and wants to save you from the sin you are living in so lets all bow our heads together and pray and you can raise your hands if you want someone to pray with you” bit, Greg opted for something a little bit different. He gave them each a piece of paper and some crayons and told them to create. And while they created, he spoke. He chose to tell these 6th, 7th, and 8th grade boys and girls that they are wonderfully and beautifully made and the God of all creation is delighted in them. We watched a video at the end from the Skit Guys that depicted God “chiseling” away all of our imperfections. It hurts, and it can be hard to let go of pride and jealousy and selfishness, but if you give God the hammer and chisel, he’ll turn you into a beautiful masterpiece.
This sermon hit hard after a long week of spending time with campers, dealing with friends who were struggling in their marriage, and working through an internal debate about who I truly believed God to be and what his plans were for me. I’ve been overweight for most of my life and spent the better part of 22 years as a single girl. I had the same self esteem that I did in 4th grade when everyone had spice girl CDs and blue and purple shiny, puffy coats and I was listening to Kim Boyce on a tape cassette walkman. I had never been popular, well liked, or very attractive. Could God really find me beautiful even when the world didn’t always share his opinion?
3. Strange Waters - Tom Wiles sometime in early spring 2011 at First Baptist Church, North Platte - The most vivid thing I remember about this sermon was that Tom told a joke how some guy always knew how to find his favorite fishing spot because when he found where the fish were biting, he’d take a piece of chalk, lean out of the side of the boat, and draw a big “X” on the side so he would know where to come back to the next time he went fishing. Super entertaining joke, but the main point of the message talked about how we need to pray to go to strange waters. We spend so much time floating around in the same tiny circle, we forget that there is a lot more ocean out there. Instead of sitting around, being complacent, and not moving, we should be praying that God leads us into strange waters so that we can grow. So that we change and be stretched in our faith. So that we can reach outside of our tiny little bubble that we live in and help someone.
I have really been struggling through whether or not I’m supposed to go in to ministry full time or if I’m supposed to just continue being an active layperson in my church. I mean, seriously, there is need for every kind of person in the church and just because I'm not (or you're not) a senior pastor at a mega church does not mean that you do not have a place as a servant in God's kingdom. This sermon helped me realize that at this point in time it doesn’t really matter whether I’ve made up my mind about joining the ministry professionally or not, what matters is that I look for and strive towards strange waters. It matters that I go to Puerto Rico to learn more about my faith. It matters that I go to Joplin to work along side my husband and our family to try and alleviate some of the anguish and the struggle that some people are facing down there. It matters that I go to St. Louis to spend a week with some of the most beautiful children I have ever interacted with and show them the love of Christ. It matters that I go to youth group and develop relationships with “my girls” and attempt to play ultimate frisbee with the boys. It matters that I sing. It matters that I create. It matters that I try and smile at everyone that I meet in hopes that their day might be made a little bit brighter by simply catching a smile from a stranger.
Keep swimming, rowing, or whatever, towards those strange waters. You’ll never know what you will find there.
4. Survive, Thrive, Get Out Alive (Celebrate God’s Glory) - Dr. Carolyn Gordon during the Friday night worship session at the American Baptist International Biennial Convention in Puerto Rico, June 2011 - Dr. Gordon spoke to a massive crowd of American Baptists on the opening night of worship. She spoke of living in a spiritual desert. She spoke of how difficult it can be we you are feeling spiritually deprived. Beautifully, she told of the crocus and how it blossoms in the dessert in spite of not having any water and in spite of the severe lack of a possibility that it’s seeds will spread. I heard her talk about yearning for an oasis. How we need to learn to focus on the fact that even though we may walk through a really dry and difficult time in our faith journey, there is water and relief at the end. Its mundanely cliche to say, but rough difficult times often lead to times of wonderful blessing and fruition.
This was maybe the first time in my entire life where I felt like someone addressing a crowd was speaking directly to me. Almost a year before I left for Puerto Rico (and the night before Greg told me about the opportunity to audition) I had the most surreal dream that a very dear friend of mine and I were auditioning for something at our church and she wanted to sing "America" from West Side Story. The only problem was, she could only remember the opening line so we stood up on the stage and just sang "Puuuuueeerto Ricooooo" over and over and over again. Then, the night before my flight to Puerto Rico, I had another dream where that same friend and I were at a different church, and this time we were showing up to perform for the congregation. Since Greg and I auditioned, I had just had this feeling that something BIG was going to happen in Puerto Rico. I knew there was going to be some life changing moment when I was there. Some big hand coming out of the rain clouds and pointing in a certain direction while that God voice boomed from above saying "Do this. Go there. Serve here."...So I went to Puerto Rico. I went with a bursting heart and open ears and a mouth full of prayer in the hopes and the anticipation that something was going happen. And I got sunburned. Went to meetings. Bought souvenirs. Ate some amazing food. Spent some seriously meaningful time in conversation. And I worshiped with some 2,000 other Christians...but there was no big hand from the sky; no booming voice from the clouds. Not even a whisper in the deepest part of my soul.
Sitting in the audience that Friday night I was just lost. I had felt that I had been sitting on a sand dune in that stupid, proverbial desert for over a year with no end in sight. Even though I returned to North Platte with a smile on my face, telling everyone how wonderful it was (and believe me, it was a beyond amazing experience), I felt so defeated. But buried deep down in my defeat was a little seed of hope. Hope that Puerto Rico was the oasis that I needed and soon I would be past the desert and be free to blossom in the full glory of God's love. Currently, I am still feeling the heat, but I believe in my heart of hearts that it is getting cooler, and water is just on the horizon.
5. Your Reputation v. God’s Identity - Tom Wiles two weeks before our youth group left of St. Louis (July 2011) First Baptist Church, North Platte - In this sermon, Pastor Tom brought up lots of different people in lots of different situations, but his main point resounded in me just like Greg's sermon about significance vs. success. Tom talked about Joseph and how he chose to give up his reputation as a well known carpenter and a respectable part of Jewish society to take on God's identity for him as the husband of the woman that was carrying the Messiah. What would you have done?
This sermon came just as our youth group was making the final preparations to leave for our mission trip to St. Louis. And while the sermon hit home while I was sitting in the pew, it wasn't until later in the week that I really chewed on it. I was sitting upstairs at the Christian Activity Center in East St. Louis with my new BFF, nine-year-old Donjahnae, and she was braiding yarn into my hair. While she was weaving away she chatted about her home life and what she liked to do at school and how she had a fairly new baby brother. Another group was working there at the same time that we were and while they were not overly accommodating to our group, we tried to be friendly. So when they interrupted my salon session with Donjahnae and asked us all to come downstairs for a brief bible lesson, we obliged. The leader of the other group was a preacher who, if you ask me, didn't take his audience into account. That guy spent the better part of fifteen minutes telling those kids (most of whom come from households that live on a $6,000 a year income) to be grateful for what they have. You are telling these kids to be grateful? These kids. We snuck extra snacks into our lunch so that we could share them with these kids. We drove through their neighborhoods on our way to the center and saw the homes of these kids. We heard the stories of missing daddies and tired mommies from these kids. AND we caught some of the biggest smiles and received some of the warmest hugs from these kids. These kids have so little compared to all of the crap that we all have sitting around our home and yet the willingly open up their sweet little hearts every week to the random new volunteers that come in and say thank you when the drive away. These kids don't need a lesson in how to be grateful....Sorry. I digress. As I sat there in this crowded and stuffy room all I could do was tear up. Donjahnae turned around and looked me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes and whispered "Brittany. Why you cryin'?" And I looked down at her and the only thing I could tell her in response was, "Friend, I am crying because I love you so much and because the God that created you and I loves you even more than either one of us could imagine." She smiled back with a look of shock and awe that only a child can show, then she wiped a tear from her eye and snuggled closer to me.
I thought about my reputation and God's identity for me again and again that week. I thought about it every time I climbed the four flights of stairs to the small room that I shared with two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I thought about it when I Zumbaed with 20 campers from 6 different states. And I thought about it as I, the ever unpopular one, made friends with people that weren't even from our mission group or church. And I thought about it every night as Sam, Greg and I sat down with our youth group to debrief the day's events and pray together for each other, our mission sites, and those we had left at home.
My reputation or God's identity for me? If my reputation was what I left behind in North Platte and God's identity for me was this new life that I had discovered with Donjahnae, and the wonderful girls that I bonded with, and the boys from our youth group that I laughed with, and with my sweet boys from Louisiana (Oh Grayson, Kennay, Landon, and Brady!), is there really a choice in that?
I have been home for almost two weeks now, and in that time I have started a new job, worked on half a dozen craft projects, and my husband has ripped out all of the tile and some of the plaster in our upstairs bathroom and is replacing a window as we speak. A lot has happened and my mind has felt a little muddled. When that happens, I tend to lapse into "facebook thought." This normally happens during periods of high stress or after spending copious amounts of time on this forsaken social networking site. I sure you can laugh with me when I say that I sometimes sink into thinking thoughts that are only as long as a status update. So, if you have read all of this ridiculously long blog (or just skimmed through to the end just to see if I ever actually made a point) and still have no idea what I am talking about, then here it what it boils down to:
My job is just my job. But my purpose in life is to SERVE the Alpha and Omega, to LOVE everyone that I come into contact with, and to CREATE with passion because God has blessed me with so many beautiful things around me and with the ambition to share His works with others through any media possible.
--
-Brittany
Monday, August 1, 2011
Half way done and a little behind
1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott- Jan. 1 - Jan. 7 - I can now say that I have read the silly thing from start to finish. I loved parts of it but other parts droned on.
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
23. Surrender the Heart by MaryLu Tyndall - July 30-31 - A great historical Christian romance book set on a ship at the beginning of the War of 1812. I started reading in on our trip home from St. Louis and it kept me entertained the whole way.
24. The Golden Acorn by Catherine Cooper - Some time in June - This book turned out to be for a slightly younger audience than I was anticipating so I was bored with it.
25. Summer's Crossing by Julie Kagawa - Sometime in July - A novella introducing characters of a Fairy book series. The current trend of Amazon seems to be to write a pre-series book that introduces everyone to you and put that on the free list.
26. Journey to the Well by Dianna Wallis Taylor - July 25-28 - This was maybe my favorite book thus far. Set in Samaria during the time time of Jesus, this fictional tale creates the life of the woman from the well before she meets Jesus. A tale of heart break and bitterness that is turned into a sincere love story about Marah and the God Who See Her. Loved it!
Eeep! Its the end of July and I'm only half way done! Better pick up the pace I guess!
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
23. Surrender the Heart by MaryLu Tyndall - July 30-31 - A great historical Christian romance book set on a ship at the beginning of the War of 1812. I started reading in on our trip home from St. Louis and it kept me entertained the whole way.
24. The Golden Acorn by Catherine Cooper - Some time in June - This book turned out to be for a slightly younger audience than I was anticipating so I was bored with it.
25. Summer's Crossing by Julie Kagawa - Sometime in July - A novella introducing characters of a Fairy book series. The current trend of Amazon seems to be to write a pre-series book that introduces everyone to you and put that on the free list.
26. Journey to the Well by Dianna Wallis Taylor - July 25-28 - This was maybe my favorite book thus far. Set in Samaria during the time time of Jesus, this fictional tale creates the life of the woman from the well before she meets Jesus. A tale of heart break and bitterness that is turned into a sincere love story about Marah and the God Who See Her. Loved it!
Eeep! Its the end of July and I'm only half way done! Better pick up the pace I guess!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Find my identity and letting go of my reputation:
My husband and I just bought a house. In North Platte. Yes, the town that I said I would never go back to. But, now I'm here and we have made this commitment to be here for at least five years. Sam loves his job and enjoys the work that we get to do in our church and the Sunday evening soccer league that he plays in with some area doctors and other guys. He enjoys the fishing, Brothers Tavern, and the fact that we now have a garage that allows him to dink around on cars and a new house with a plethora of opportunities for him to expand his Mr. Fix-It skills (a talent that a truly respect and admire in him. He has fixed our garage door opener, dishwasher, basement sink trap, washing machine drain, and is in the process of installing a shower in our upstairs bathroom.) My husband is truly amazing. I knew the moment that I met him that he was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined and every day I appreciate him more and more. I don't know how many thousands of dollars he has saved people over the years by helping them with cars, household stuff, computers, etc. He thrives in the role of being that guy that can fix anything.
But what about me? Where do I belong in this town? When I worked at the Playhouse, I was simply that. I felt flat. I felt like people only saw me as the face of the Playhouse and nothing more. My reputation reigned supreme as the girl who volunteered for everything, worked long hours, and would bend over backwards for everything. I lost my health, gave my husband way more grief than he ever deserved, and I lost myself. I thought I was only theatre. Then it all ended.
I have been working part time for the past 7 months with very little theatre in my life and it has completely changed me. I have learned that there is so much more to me. I can be a songwriter, a housecleaner, a person of faith with a developing theology, a really good best friend, and a decent wife. For years I thought that theatre was the only way that I could express myself. It was my only outlet for self expression. Now I can express myself through fabric and yarn and paper and music and all other things artistic that I never knew about. Things and ideas that I never dreamed I was capable of!
In a little over a week I'm going to back to full time. I'm so happy for the opportunity because its going to allow me to reach some goals that Sam and I have been striving for. It will be easier to pay the bills and for me to keep up my new found love for crafting. My hope and my prayer is that I be able to cling to my identity and not let the idea of a reputation get the better of me.
But what about me? Where do I belong in this town? When I worked at the Playhouse, I was simply that. I felt flat. I felt like people only saw me as the face of the Playhouse and nothing more. My reputation reigned supreme as the girl who volunteered for everything, worked long hours, and would bend over backwards for everything. I lost my health, gave my husband way more grief than he ever deserved, and I lost myself. I thought I was only theatre. Then it all ended.
I have been working part time for the past 7 months with very little theatre in my life and it has completely changed me. I have learned that there is so much more to me. I can be a songwriter, a housecleaner, a person of faith with a developing theology, a really good best friend, and a decent wife. For years I thought that theatre was the only way that I could express myself. It was my only outlet for self expression. Now I can express myself through fabric and yarn and paper and music and all other things artistic that I never knew about. Things and ideas that I never dreamed I was capable of!
In a little over a week I'm going to back to full time. I'm so happy for the opportunity because its going to allow me to reach some goals that Sam and I have been striving for. It will be easier to pay the bills and for me to keep up my new found love for crafting. My hope and my prayer is that I be able to cling to my identity and not let the idea of a reputation get the better of me.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Fighting the Fear
This past Tuesday was the second to last episode of The Biggest Loser and the contestants were presented a challenge where they had to "put the weight back on" and carry it across a golf course, dropping of their weekly weighloss at each hole. Even though my weight loss is a quarter of what they have lost in 20 weeks, I took on this challenge the other day and walked to all of my errands (the library, bank, doctor's office, rec center, church, and grocery store = 5 miles total) with enough weight in my backpack to equal what I have lost thus far. Over the course of my walking, I just listened some easy guitar music and reflected on who I am and who I'm trying to become. The biggest concusion that I came to is that I am so fearful of everything it makes it hard to get anywhere! Here are some examples of the things that I am afraid of:
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Finding my self worth in...myself?
Recently, I was reading a friend's blog about her amazing experiences as a mom. She also posted about holy week and she's trying to live her life in an earth friendly way. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her beautiful writing.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Motivation: You've gotta fake it 'til you make it!
I had a really interesting conversation with a dear friend last night about motivation. We are both bigger girls and deal with the constant struggle to find pants that fit, bras in our size sold in stores (rather than just online), and an exercise schedule that works for us and makes us feel comfortable instead of ousted.
She told me that she was jealous of my motivation and my eagerness to stay healthy and lose weight. I just had to smile and shake my head. It's impossible to be totally motivated all of the time. If you try to stay 100% motivated 100% of the time you simply turn to yo-yo dieting where people drop 50lbs in 2 months and then gain it all back (plus more) when their motivation finally empties out. Instead of wasting all of my motivation right at the beginning, I have learned to ration it out when I really need it and then mix it with some bribery/corrosion (Just do it Brittany and then you can come home and take a nap; just do it Brittany and then you can come home and play some a game on the computer for a few minutes.) and I find that I can maintain my current lifestyle and fitness trend a lot longer than I ever had before. Being healthy is not about eating nothing but celery for 4 months and working out like an olympic athlete. Being healthy is about finding the balance in what you eat and how to stay active.
If I have learned anything in these past 4 months, its that when it comes to motivation, you've got to fake it until you make it. In the past 116 days, I have lost a grand total of 25 lbs (an average of only .25lbs a day) which is not spectacular, especially when you compare it to the 101 lbs in 17 weeks that Irene recently lost on Biggest Loser. It has been a slow and sometimes painful process in which I am forced to look at my eating choices, my exercise habits, and what is emotionally and mentally going on with me. There have been days where I definitely wanted to give up but I just keep faking motivation until I'm hit with another wave.
Becoming a Zumba instructor has also been a big factor in this life change. I don't have the option of not working out 4 days a week. On top of not being able to skip classes, I've really had to change my eating. I learned pretty quickly that if I ate fries and a coke before I taught class, it ended up being a very uncomfortable and BLOATED class, but if I ate some fruit leather and a hand full of almonds, I was smiling and sweating and having a good time. Now, I've been trying (and succeeding most days) to give myself healthier eating options and believe it or not, my body has started craving healthy options! And every time I have eaten fast food since January, my body has made me regret it. We're not meant to eat that stuff (except for Coke. I still can't give up Coke!) and your body with thank you many times over for not subjecting it to it.
Here is a list of some of the major lessons that I have learned and have really helped (and continue to help) me:
Easy things you can change to make healthy choices:
1. Quit making excuses about working out. Get off your butt and go for a walk. Take a class. I have found that classes work a lot better for me because it takes the questioning out of my workout. I show up, do the class, and then go home. I don't have to walk into some big huge gym and just stare at the equipment while feeling intimidated about it all. Zumba is the only workout that I have ever found that leaves me with a smile on my face when I'm done. Find what you love and do it. (P.S. Did you know that walking laps in a pool burns almost twice the calories of walking on land?!)
2. Find an accountability partner. Its a lot easier to struggle when you have the tough (but gentle) love of a friend who is walking the same road with you. Set a goal, a time line, and a reward for yourself (and don't use food for a reward. It never works out!) for reaching that goal. Celebrate the good things together and discuss what needs to be changed or where you messed up if you have an off week. Whether it's just you and a friend, or a group of friends, support is good. I do find that's its best for everyone to have the same general fitness goals, though. (Meaning if you are looking to lose some weight don't pair up with someone who is looking to run a marathon or vice versa. It makes it really difficult to challenge and support each other if you are on such different levels.)
3. Healthy eating sometimes takes awhile. Find some simple recipes and try to make some easier things if cooking isn't your thing. I am not a big fan of some of the "diet" cookbooks out there because they have an ingredient list two pages long and and filled with lots of items that you can't get here in the armpit of Nebraska. You have to force your mind to make better choices for awhile before your body starts to do it for you. Stick it out. I promise it will get better.
4. Little changes are way more important than big ones. How many of us have started that carb-free or fat-free or calorie-free diet that limits us to 17 calories a day and only chicken or intense exercise for 15 days straight and then 4 days where you are supposed to load up on carbs only to make it for a week before getting so frustrated that we give up? Don't try to change all the big problems at once. Start out by cutting your soda intake. Take a 15 minute walk. Substitute apple sauce for oil when baking and use fat free sour cream on your taco. Buy a pair of ankle weights and wear them under your work pants (maybe don't do this if you wear heels to work, trust me...) While watching TV simply stretch or get up and walk in place during the commercials. Little things make a much bigger impact because you are able to sustain them over a long period of time instead of crashing into huge changes and then giving up after a week.
5. Have a pair of goal pants as well as a goal weight. I have no qualms telling people that I currently weigh 189 lbs because I don't feel like I look like it. I have solid legs and as the old saying goes "muscle weighs more than fat." I have a goal weight, but I also have a pair of pants that I bought a few years ago hoping that I would be able to fit into them someday (obviously that someday has not arrived yet!). I'm pretty close to being able to button them, but I still have a decent amount to go until I reach my ideal weight. Having two different goals (one weight related and one size related) has provided me with some perspective in regard to my body. Would I prefer to be smaller and a bit on the softer side or would I prefer to be a bit heavier and feel toned and strong? How much does the number on the scale or on the tag of my pants mean to me vs. how I feel about myself? Also, there are some weeks where you feel like the scale is stuck. During those times, try on the said goal pants to see if your body measurements are just playing catch up to your weight loss, or if you have truly hit a plateau.
What I have to say about my fitness and health journey is nothing new. This same stuff has been said to me time and time again, it just took a few times for it to click with me. I'm not a health nut or a certified personal trainer or even anyone of any importance. I'm just trying to be me, and for once in my life, I feel like I'm getting close. :)
She told me that she was jealous of my motivation and my eagerness to stay healthy and lose weight. I just had to smile and shake my head. It's impossible to be totally motivated all of the time. If you try to stay 100% motivated 100% of the time you simply turn to yo-yo dieting where people drop 50lbs in 2 months and then gain it all back (plus more) when their motivation finally empties out. Instead of wasting all of my motivation right at the beginning, I have learned to ration it out when I really need it and then mix it with some bribery/corrosion (Just do it Brittany and then you can come home and take a nap; just do it Brittany and then you can come home and play some a game on the computer for a few minutes.) and I find that I can maintain my current lifestyle and fitness trend a lot longer than I ever had before. Being healthy is not about eating nothing but celery for 4 months and working out like an olympic athlete. Being healthy is about finding the balance in what you eat and how to stay active.
If I have learned anything in these past 4 months, its that when it comes to motivation, you've got to fake it until you make it. In the past 116 days, I have lost a grand total of 25 lbs (an average of only .25lbs a day) which is not spectacular, especially when you compare it to the 101 lbs in 17 weeks that Irene recently lost on Biggest Loser. It has been a slow and sometimes painful process in which I am forced to look at my eating choices, my exercise habits, and what is emotionally and mentally going on with me. There have been days where I definitely wanted to give up but I just keep faking motivation until I'm hit with another wave.
Becoming a Zumba instructor has also been a big factor in this life change. I don't have the option of not working out 4 days a week. On top of not being able to skip classes, I've really had to change my eating. I learned pretty quickly that if I ate fries and a coke before I taught class, it ended up being a very uncomfortable and BLOATED class, but if I ate some fruit leather and a hand full of almonds, I was smiling and sweating and having a good time. Now, I've been trying (and succeeding most days) to give myself healthier eating options and believe it or not, my body has started craving healthy options! And every time I have eaten fast food since January, my body has made me regret it. We're not meant to eat that stuff (except for Coke. I still can't give up Coke!) and your body with thank you many times over for not subjecting it to it.
Here is a list of some of the major lessons that I have learned and have really helped (and continue to help) me:
Easy things you can change to make healthy choices:
1. Quit making excuses about working out. Get off your butt and go for a walk. Take a class. I have found that classes work a lot better for me because it takes the questioning out of my workout. I show up, do the class, and then go home. I don't have to walk into some big huge gym and just stare at the equipment while feeling intimidated about it all. Zumba is the only workout that I have ever found that leaves me with a smile on my face when I'm done. Find what you love and do it. (P.S. Did you know that walking laps in a pool burns almost twice the calories of walking on land?!)
2. Find an accountability partner. Its a lot easier to struggle when you have the tough (but gentle) love of a friend who is walking the same road with you. Set a goal, a time line, and a reward for yourself (and don't use food for a reward. It never works out!) for reaching that goal. Celebrate the good things together and discuss what needs to be changed or where you messed up if you have an off week. Whether it's just you and a friend, or a group of friends, support is good. I do find that's its best for everyone to have the same general fitness goals, though. (Meaning if you are looking to lose some weight don't pair up with someone who is looking to run a marathon or vice versa. It makes it really difficult to challenge and support each other if you are on such different levels.)
3. Healthy eating sometimes takes awhile. Find some simple recipes and try to make some easier things if cooking isn't your thing. I am not a big fan of some of the "diet" cookbooks out there because they have an ingredient list two pages long and and filled with lots of items that you can't get here in the armpit of Nebraska. You have to force your mind to make better choices for awhile before your body starts to do it for you. Stick it out. I promise it will get better.
4. Little changes are way more important than big ones. How many of us have started that carb-free or fat-free or calorie-free diet that limits us to 17 calories a day and only chicken or intense exercise for 15 days straight and then 4 days where you are supposed to load up on carbs only to make it for a week before getting so frustrated that we give up? Don't try to change all the big problems at once. Start out by cutting your soda intake. Take a 15 minute walk. Substitute apple sauce for oil when baking and use fat free sour cream on your taco. Buy a pair of ankle weights and wear them under your work pants (maybe don't do this if you wear heels to work, trust me...) While watching TV simply stretch or get up and walk in place during the commercials. Little things make a much bigger impact because you are able to sustain them over a long period of time instead of crashing into huge changes and then giving up after a week.
5. Have a pair of goal pants as well as a goal weight. I have no qualms telling people that I currently weigh 189 lbs because I don't feel like I look like it. I have solid legs and as the old saying goes "muscle weighs more than fat." I have a goal weight, but I also have a pair of pants that I bought a few years ago hoping that I would be able to fit into them someday (obviously that someday has not arrived yet!). I'm pretty close to being able to button them, but I still have a decent amount to go until I reach my ideal weight. Having two different goals (one weight related and one size related) has provided me with some perspective in regard to my body. Would I prefer to be smaller and a bit on the softer side or would I prefer to be a bit heavier and feel toned and strong? How much does the number on the scale or on the tag of my pants mean to me vs. how I feel about myself? Also, there are some weeks where you feel like the scale is stuck. During those times, try on the said goal pants to see if your body measurements are just playing catch up to your weight loss, or if you have truly hit a plateau.
What I have to say about my fitness and health journey is nothing new. This same stuff has been said to me time and time again, it just took a few times for it to click with me. I'm not a health nut or a certified personal trainer or even anyone of any importance. I'm just trying to be me, and for once in my life, I feel like I'm getting close. :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
A letter to my unmarried self:
Dear Brittany,
You're getting married in just a few short days. Here are some things to remember:
-Find the straps to your dress. The seamstress did not alter it correctly and you will feel more comfortable with them on.
-Relax during pictures, or you'll end up looking scared (with your nostrils flared) in some of them.
- Eat an extra meatball and an extra cupcake. It's your wedding. Just do it.
Ok, but seriously,
Remember that you are about to stand up in front of all of your dearest friends and family and profess the love that you have for your best friend. He is the man that you have been waiting for your entire life. Don't mess this up. I can't promise you that this first year won't be difficult. In fact, you'll end up buying a new car, both of you will end up in completely different jobs, he'll make you learn how to drive a stick shift on Jeffers, you'll learn that he leaves his dirty socks inside out on the kitchen floor and he'll think thats its disgusting that you clean your ears with q-tips after you get out of the shower. It will take him awhile to learn that sometimes you just need a hug and you'll need to figure out that when he doesn't feel well, he doesn't want to be babied, he just wants to be left alone to sleep. Neither one of you will want to do the dishes and finances can take a while to figure out.
But also remember that every morning you get to wake up next to your best friend. In spite of all of the grossness of this world and your current position in life, you get to walk hand and hand with the one that makes you smile like a big cheesball. He will always be there to protect you when someone attacks you, slap you across the face (figuratively) when you are being ridiculous, and bring you the book, shoes, bra, CD, brush, tape, etc. that you happened to forget and can't get through the performance or meeting or day without it.
In turn, don't forget that coming home to a warm meal is a wonderful feeling, and doing the dishes yourself is a lot less painful than picking a fight over it. "Thank you" can never be heard enough and we don't get lost, we take the scenic route. Stand beside him when he's feeling beaten and love him, even if you don't seem to like each other at that given moment. Help his as best you know how and don't forget that the cat sometimes likes him better.
Marriage is not easy. No one ever told you that it would be. But, marriage is an amazing and interesting trip, to say the least. As Larry told you, don't ever stop looking for and enjoying the mystery that is this life. Live your life with a passion and intensity to serve your loving and amazing God and worship Him with your husband by your side.
Take each moment and cherish it. Don't waste a single minute, a single breath, a single heartbeat. Love him. Let him love you. And together, change the little piece of world that you belong to in the name of He who created you.
You're getting married in just a few short days. Here are some things to remember:
-Find the straps to your dress. The seamstress did not alter it correctly and you will feel more comfortable with them on.
-Relax during pictures, or you'll end up looking scared (with your nostrils flared) in some of them.
- Eat an extra meatball and an extra cupcake. It's your wedding. Just do it.
Ok, but seriously,
Remember that you are about to stand up in front of all of your dearest friends and family and profess the love that you have for your best friend. He is the man that you have been waiting for your entire life. Don't mess this up. I can't promise you that this first year won't be difficult. In fact, you'll end up buying a new car, both of you will end up in completely different jobs, he'll make you learn how to drive a stick shift on Jeffers, you'll learn that he leaves his dirty socks inside out on the kitchen floor and he'll think thats its disgusting that you clean your ears with q-tips after you get out of the shower. It will take him awhile to learn that sometimes you just need a hug and you'll need to figure out that when he doesn't feel well, he doesn't want to be babied, he just wants to be left alone to sleep. Neither one of you will want to do the dishes and finances can take a while to figure out.
But also remember that every morning you get to wake up next to your best friend. In spite of all of the grossness of this world and your current position in life, you get to walk hand and hand with the one that makes you smile like a big cheesball. He will always be there to protect you when someone attacks you, slap you across the face (figuratively) when you are being ridiculous, and bring you the book, shoes, bra, CD, brush, tape, etc. that you happened to forget and can't get through the performance or meeting or day without it.
In turn, don't forget that coming home to a warm meal is a wonderful feeling, and doing the dishes yourself is a lot less painful than picking a fight over it. "Thank you" can never be heard enough and we don't get lost, we take the scenic route. Stand beside him when he's feeling beaten and love him, even if you don't seem to like each other at that given moment. Help his as best you know how and don't forget that the cat sometimes likes him better.
Marriage is not easy. No one ever told you that it would be. But, marriage is an amazing and interesting trip, to say the least. As Larry told you, don't ever stop looking for and enjoying the mystery that is this life. Live your life with a passion and intensity to serve your loving and amazing God and worship Him with your husband by your side.
Take each moment and cherish it. Don't waste a single minute, a single breath, a single heartbeat. Love him. Let him love you. And together, change the little piece of world that you belong to in the name of He who created you.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tikva: The Garden Song
The lyrics to the song that Tikva will be playing at the service tonight:
The Garden Song
Little bird sits on the branch that it calls home
Watching that man walk by
With his head hung low and sorrow on his breath.
The bird questions "Why?
What was this man here for?"
And then he heard Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The tree stands by as he kneels down.
Crushed under the weight on his shoulders.
Praying for those who have yet to see.
Sweat drops form as the blood begins to fall.
He knows that this act will make the old ways now new.
Then He laid and cried
""Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.
Who will stay awake with Him.
He's given so much and taken so little.
And soon He'll give all that he has.
And can't you hear Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
Not my will.
Not my will.
But Yours.
The Garden Song
Little bird sits on the branch that it calls home
Watching that man walk by
With his head hung low and sorrow on his breath.
The bird questions "Why?
What was this man here for?"
And then he heard Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The tree stands by as he kneels down.
Crushed under the weight on his shoulders.
Praying for those who have yet to see.
Sweat drops form as the blood begins to fall.
He knows that this act will make the old ways now new.
Then He laid and cried
""Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.
Who will stay awake with Him.
He's given so much and taken so little.
And soon He'll give all that he has.
And can't you hear Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
Not my will.
Not my will.
But Yours.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The agony and beauty of growing pains.
These last ten months have been a period of incredible pain and growth. Last July, when I headed to Camp Moses Merrill to spend a week as a counselor, I was fat, spiritually broken, and emotionally lost.
I spoke at the final campfire about not giving up your faith even when it gets discouraging because I was at the end of my rope. Stress from my job, a new marriage, a dangerously low body image and serious doubts about the faith that I had believed in for all of my life had beaten me down to next to nothing. I can remember sitting with Greg in the swimming pool, watching campers splash each other and enjoy the sunshine, feeling completely lost. As we talked he told me that maybe this period of darkness and pain was stretching me and preparing me for something. Internally, I laughed at him. How could God be preparing me for anything bigger? I was stuck in a painful job, living in the hometown that I swore I would never go back to, and suffocating in a body that was on its way to a life of fast food, diabetes, and a fullfillment of my family's history of heart disease.
As I was driving to a baby shower this past weekend, listening to some different song ideas that Greg had recorded, I pulled over and just reflected on where I've been and how far I have come since that awful conversation on the pool steps. I've quit my job, become a fitness instructor (going from a XL to a M shirt size in the proceess), read and learned more about the Christian faith, and finally found peace in knowing that growing pains don't last for an eternity. It all culminated in my facebook status the other day, "Sometimes I have to remind myself that maybe God isn't closing doors in my face to be mean. I think He's got some totally wonderful and amazing door for me, but he's making sure I'm ready when it opens."
Growing pains are frustrating. For the past several months I've been writhing around in my own agony, feeling abandoned and alone. This past weekend I finally relaxed and found comfort in the hope that I am near the end of this growing streak.
One of the songs that Greg and I wrote talks about how I'm just an average girl with dreams of something more. It talks about how I need to know His plans so we can get this show on the road. And while that is very much how I feel, I'm going to spend the time that I have been given stretching and forcing myself to grow even more so that when that door finally opens, when that plan is finally revealed, I'll be ready.
I spoke at the final campfire about not giving up your faith even when it gets discouraging because I was at the end of my rope. Stress from my job, a new marriage, a dangerously low body image and serious doubts about the faith that I had believed in for all of my life had beaten me down to next to nothing. I can remember sitting with Greg in the swimming pool, watching campers splash each other and enjoy the sunshine, feeling completely lost. As we talked he told me that maybe this period of darkness and pain was stretching me and preparing me for something. Internally, I laughed at him. How could God be preparing me for anything bigger? I was stuck in a painful job, living in the hometown that I swore I would never go back to, and suffocating in a body that was on its way to a life of fast food, diabetes, and a fullfillment of my family's history of heart disease.
As I was driving to a baby shower this past weekend, listening to some different song ideas that Greg had recorded, I pulled over and just reflected on where I've been and how far I have come since that awful conversation on the pool steps. I've quit my job, become a fitness instructor (going from a XL to a M shirt size in the proceess), read and learned more about the Christian faith, and finally found peace in knowing that growing pains don't last for an eternity. It all culminated in my facebook status the other day, "Sometimes I have to remind myself that maybe God isn't closing doors in my face to be mean. I think He's got some totally wonderful and amazing door for me, but he's making sure I'm ready when it opens."
Growing pains are frustrating. For the past several months I've been writhing around in my own agony, feeling abandoned and alone. This past weekend I finally relaxed and found comfort in the hope that I am near the end of this growing streak.
One of the songs that Greg and I wrote talks about how I'm just an average girl with dreams of something more. It talks about how I need to know His plans so we can get this show on the road. And while that is very much how I feel, I'm going to spend the time that I have been given stretching and forcing myself to grow even more so that when that door finally opens, when that plan is finally revealed, I'll be ready.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Half way done but just beginning
We have reached the halfway point of this Lenten season and this morning I went back and reread my entry from Ash Wednesday. Some reflections on the past two and a half weeks:
Giving up excuses has been more difficult than I thought. (In fact, I almost started out this blog with an excuse about how I'm not nearly as talented as some of my writer friends!) Some of the things I used to say including "Oh, I didn't get that email/text message/phone call because my phone is being weird" or "Sorry I'm late, I got half way out the door and forgot (insert item here)" were blatant, outright lies and they were the easy ones to cut out. I was really late for youth group last night and when asked about my tardiness, I told the truth. It had been a mess of a day, and I just hadn't watched the clock close enough. It was my fault, not my car's or my phone's or my parent's dogs.
So, the difficulty has not come out of the actual speaking of an excuse as so much the internal conflict and debate that I face when trying to decide if something is an excuse or not. I have lied to myself and to others for so long that its takes me a long time to distinguish between the truth and an excuse.
-Did I really not lose any weight this week because I'm bloated due to my cycle or was it because I didn't eat as healthy as I should?
-Did I run late to work this morning because I was sooooo tired from last night and I just couldn't get out of bed or was it because I watched the Today Show for 5 minutes longer than I should this morning?
I make so many excuses and tell so many little white lies, I don't even know when I am doing it. Making excuses has become a reflex that I am now having to rethink. We try and get to the root of it, I think my amazing ability to make excuses comes from my fear of having to take responsibility. I just came out a fairly frustrating job where I never fully understood what my responsibilities were so I was constantly confused and frustrated and forced into making excuses on the spot because I didn't know what I was doing. I have some selective perfectionist tendencies and when things are not just right, I make an excuse instead of giving a honest update about how things are progressing.
Not making excuses to other people has been a difficult lesson and I find myself pausing (A LOT) before I respond to questions now. But even harder than my interactions with other humans, is my interactions with myself.
I have gotten REALLY good at lying to myself. I am a very self defeating person and I tend to make excuses for things even before I attempt them.
- There is no point in me making dinner tonight because I'm sure Sam won't like it.
- Why should I even bother with going to the gym? I'm always going to be a fat ass anyway.
- What' the point in even looking for a job when I know that 40 million other people will be applying for it as well?
It's been a struggle to end this constant lying. Most of my excuses come down to an "I'm not good enough" attitude. I applied to grad school this past winter and came out of my audition feeling like a million bucks and thinking that I really had a chance. When 6 weeks went by and I still hadn't heard anything, I was crushed. Now, on my Lenten journey, I don't really know what the answer is to why I didn't get in. It sounds so cliche to say "It wasn't God's will/plan/choice for me" or "This must not be God's timing so I'm at peace" so I started looking for the straight answer and the only one I could come up with was I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Ouch. The dream and career that I have chased since I was a little girl has now ended simply because I'm not good enough? I came out of that theatre having left everything on the table. I gave the best audition that my education, my brains, and my talent could have provided me and in the end, why didn't I get in? What is the truth and what is merely a lie that I tell myself because I want to feel better or because I don't feel worthy?
This post has definitely turned towards the verbal vomit side of blogging, but I guess the main point is:
Through this Lenten season I have discovered (and I am still discovering) that I have a serious problem with making excuses not only to other people, but also to myself. This is no longer just a 40 day journey to the cross where I give up something that makes me a little uncomfortable for a while before reverting back to the way life was. We may be at the half way mark for Lent, but frankly, I am just beginning.
Giving up excuses has been more difficult than I thought. (In fact, I almost started out this blog with an excuse about how I'm not nearly as talented as some of my writer friends!) Some of the things I used to say including "Oh, I didn't get that email/text message/phone call because my phone is being weird" or "Sorry I'm late, I got half way out the door and forgot (insert item here)" were blatant, outright lies and they were the easy ones to cut out. I was really late for youth group last night and when asked about my tardiness, I told the truth. It had been a mess of a day, and I just hadn't watched the clock close enough. It was my fault, not my car's or my phone's or my parent's dogs.
So, the difficulty has not come out of the actual speaking of an excuse as so much the internal conflict and debate that I face when trying to decide if something is an excuse or not. I have lied to myself and to others for so long that its takes me a long time to distinguish between the truth and an excuse.
-Did I really not lose any weight this week because I'm bloated due to my cycle or was it because I didn't eat as healthy as I should?
-Did I run late to work this morning because I was sooooo tired from last night and I just couldn't get out of bed or was it because I watched the Today Show for 5 minutes longer than I should this morning?
I make so many excuses and tell so many little white lies, I don't even know when I am doing it. Making excuses has become a reflex that I am now having to rethink. We try and get to the root of it, I think my amazing ability to make excuses comes from my fear of having to take responsibility. I just came out a fairly frustrating job where I never fully understood what my responsibilities were so I was constantly confused and frustrated and forced into making excuses on the spot because I didn't know what I was doing. I have some selective perfectionist tendencies and when things are not just right, I make an excuse instead of giving a honest update about how things are progressing.
Not making excuses to other people has been a difficult lesson and I find myself pausing (A LOT) before I respond to questions now. But even harder than my interactions with other humans, is my interactions with myself.
I have gotten REALLY good at lying to myself. I am a very self defeating person and I tend to make excuses for things even before I attempt them.
- There is no point in me making dinner tonight because I'm sure Sam won't like it.
- Why should I even bother with going to the gym? I'm always going to be a fat ass anyway.
- What' the point in even looking for a job when I know that 40 million other people will be applying for it as well?
It's been a struggle to end this constant lying. Most of my excuses come down to an "I'm not good enough" attitude. I applied to grad school this past winter and came out of my audition feeling like a million bucks and thinking that I really had a chance. When 6 weeks went by and I still hadn't heard anything, I was crushed. Now, on my Lenten journey, I don't really know what the answer is to why I didn't get in. It sounds so cliche to say "It wasn't God's will/plan/choice for me" or "This must not be God's timing so I'm at peace" so I started looking for the straight answer and the only one I could come up with was I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Ouch. The dream and career that I have chased since I was a little girl has now ended simply because I'm not good enough? I came out of that theatre having left everything on the table. I gave the best audition that my education, my brains, and my talent could have provided me and in the end, why didn't I get in? What is the truth and what is merely a lie that I tell myself because I want to feel better or because I don't feel worthy?
This post has definitely turned towards the verbal vomit side of blogging, but I guess the main point is:
Through this Lenten season I have discovered (and I am still discovering) that I have a serious problem with making excuses not only to other people, but also to myself. This is no longer just a 40 day journey to the cross where I give up something that makes me a little uncomfortable for a while before reverting back to the way life was. We may be at the half way mark for Lent, but frankly, I am just beginning.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My book list is growing!
Well, it's half way through June and I don't know if I'm right on track for my reading schedule. What an amazing experience this has been. I'm actually excited to keep going!
1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott- Jan. 1 - Jan. 7 - I can now say that I have read the silly thing from start to finish. I loved parts of it but other parts droned on.
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
Be sure to keep sharing ideas with me! Only 33 books left!
1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott- Jan. 1 - Jan. 7 - I can now say that I have read the silly thing from start to finish. I loved parts of it but other parts droned on.
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
Be sure to keep sharing ideas with me! Only 33 books left!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Curious about what I'm giving up for Lent?
Today marks the start of the 40 day journey to the cross.
First off, for those you that don't know, I am Baptist. American Baptist to be specific. I currently attend the church that I was born and raised in after a short stint with the Presbyterians while I went to college, and a little bit of everything while I toured. Typically, Baptists don't focus a whole lot on giving up things or doing anything special for Lent, short of maybe having an extra bible study, a few extra services, and a special communion service or two. I guess, that is too much of a generalization. Maybe they do, but I haven't encountered many of them.
Over the years, I have tried giving up a few things just because it was a cool thing that some of my friends were doing, profs encouraged it, or I was trying to impress someone. It never ended well, and if I made it a week, it was a miracle. I had pretty much given up, thinking that I didn't have the will power or my faith wasn't strong enough. But this year feels different.
This year, I am giving up excuses. I make at least 50 excuses everyday; to myself and to everyone around me. I try to cover up for my inability to follow through, or why I'm so unhealthy, or why my prayer life sucks, or why supper isn't ready. It gets old. I'm going to quit making excuses and wasting so much of everything, from time to talent to resources.
40 days of actually reading my bible instead of making an excuse about how I didn't have time.
40 days of actually working out instead of making an excuse about how I am too tired.
40 days of doing my best to keep a clean house and make a decent meal instead of making an excuse about how I don't know how.
40 days of spending time with God in prayer instead of making an excuse about how I forgot.
40 days of writing music, reading, reaching out to people in my life who need help, loving my youth group, cherishing my friends, hopelessly loving my husband and relishing in the fact that I am a child of the Most High King instead of making an excuse about how I'm not good enough, about how I'm not smart enough, about how I'm too busy, too tired, too scatterbrained, or too burned out to do anything.
I'm done making excuses. I never give myself a chance. These next 40 days will shoot me full throttle into the world of "adult food" spirituality and away from the "baby food" that I have been clinging on to for so long. It's time for me to grow up, in so many more ways than one. It's going to be uncomfortable...and it's going to be incredible.
First off, for those you that don't know, I am Baptist. American Baptist to be specific. I currently attend the church that I was born and raised in after a short stint with the Presbyterians while I went to college, and a little bit of everything while I toured. Typically, Baptists don't focus a whole lot on giving up things or doing anything special for Lent, short of maybe having an extra bible study, a few extra services, and a special communion service or two. I guess, that is too much of a generalization. Maybe they do, but I haven't encountered many of them.
Over the years, I have tried giving up a few things just because it was a cool thing that some of my friends were doing, profs encouraged it, or I was trying to impress someone. It never ended well, and if I made it a week, it was a miracle. I had pretty much given up, thinking that I didn't have the will power or my faith wasn't strong enough. But this year feels different.
This year, I am giving up excuses. I make at least 50 excuses everyday; to myself and to everyone around me. I try to cover up for my inability to follow through, or why I'm so unhealthy, or why my prayer life sucks, or why supper isn't ready. It gets old. I'm going to quit making excuses and wasting so much of everything, from time to talent to resources.
40 days of actually reading my bible instead of making an excuse about how I didn't have time.
40 days of actually working out instead of making an excuse about how I am too tired.
40 days of doing my best to keep a clean house and make a decent meal instead of making an excuse about how I don't know how.
40 days of spending time with God in prayer instead of making an excuse about how I forgot.
40 days of writing music, reading, reaching out to people in my life who need help, loving my youth group, cherishing my friends, hopelessly loving my husband and relishing in the fact that I am a child of the Most High King instead of making an excuse about how I'm not good enough, about how I'm not smart enough, about how I'm too busy, too tired, too scatterbrained, or too burned out to do anything.
I'm done making excuses. I never give myself a chance. These next 40 days will shoot me full throttle into the world of "adult food" spirituality and away from the "baby food" that I have been clinging on to for so long. It's time for me to grow up, in so many more ways than one. It's going to be uncomfortable...and it's going to be incredible.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Not Noticing - Tikvah
Greg and I are in the process of putting together a CD as a bit of a fundraiser for our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico. We have been invited to perform at the Late Night Terrace during the American Baptist International Biennial Convention. After laying down a few tracks, we decided to write one or two more original songs for the CD and this is one that we came up with.
NOT NOTICING
I am like the woman by the well
Unwanted, unneeded until you called me
Insecure, frightened, bruised and torn
Wanting more but not knowing how
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
I am like Martha, preparing for You
Hurrying around, and You're already here
Busy, frantic and rushing about
Missing You while You sit in the other room
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
Here I stand in the midst of this world
Half jobless, half useless, but still searching
A husband, a house, and dishes piled high
Wanting more help but pushing You away at every step
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You, but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You, but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
You're reaching out to save me.
NOT NOTICING
I am like the woman by the well
Unwanted, unneeded until you called me
Insecure, frightened, bruised and torn
Wanting more but not knowing how
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
I am like Martha, preparing for You
Hurrying around, and You're already here
Busy, frantic and rushing about
Missing You while You sit in the other room
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
Here I stand in the midst of this world
Half jobless, half useless, but still searching
A husband, a house, and dishes piled high
Wanting more help but pushing You away at every step
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You, but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
Just another day of not noticing
Looking for You, but not paying attention
Life ebbs and flows and I miss You reaching out to save me
You're reaching out to save me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Days when I miss my Grandma Roberta
This morning I woke up a little blurry-eyed because I was up until 2:30ish finishing The Hunger Games and I forgot to take out my contacts. As I was stumbling around trying to get ready, I decided that I really wanted a hot chocolate. I've been trying to cut back on my spending so I knew going to the Espresso Shoppe was not an option, but I when I went to the cupboard to take out the store bought mix that we have, and I was flooded with emotion.
My Grandma Drullinger (Roberta) used to make this semi homemade mix with powdered milk and extra chocolate and it was always so good. I miss her so much lately. I wonder what she would think about Sam, and how she would have made the long trip to see me graduate from college, and how she would have been involved on my wedding day. I find myself wanting to know what she would have thought about my current job situation or if she would come and give Zumba a try, just to be supportive. Would Sam be able to charm her the way he has every other member of my family? And most of all, when Sam and I start talking about starting a family, or I think about where I will be in 5 years, I wonder what her face would have looked like on the day we announce that we are expecting.
She made awesome hot chocolate, orange julius, and corn casserole. She taught me how to sew on a button and how to blow bubbles out of the bubble pipes she kept by the bathtub, just for us grandkids. She taught me how to polish rocks, how to pray, and she taught me the words to This is my Story, Victory in Jesus, and It is Well with my Soul, among countless others. She taught me chinese checkers, how to make pancakes, and how to wrap presents in such a way that you are able to save all of the wrapping, bows, and boxes after Christmas morning. She taught me how to make a head band out of an old underwear waistband (she'd be mortified if she knew that I just told you that) and her traincase, which was one of two things that I asked for when she died, still smells like Soft Musk avon cologne and face powder.
She was one of the most joyful and Spirit filled women that I have ever met and I beat myself up quite a bit for not taking advantage of all of the lessons that she tried to teach me when she was alive and for not stopping by her apartment more. I regret not loving her more and not helping her more as she made the transistion down to North Platte.
The anniversary of her death is sneaking up on me and I can't believe that she has been gone so long. When I look back on the short amount of time that I had with her, these are the lessons and the wisdom that I take with me:
1. When in doubt, pray. When still in doubt, read the bible and pray some more.
2. Love everyone as best as you can. Even if he is the scary blind man that gets off on the wrong floor and tries to get into your room, he needs love too.
3. Sometimes a messy house just has to be messy. Life is meant to be lived and most days, its more important to spend time with dear friends than it is to wash dishes.
4. If you raise your children with love, and discipline, and instill in them all of God's glory, you can raise some pretty awesome kids. My dad is an amazing man and I am lucky to have my Aunt Joyce and Uncle David as well. I love when they all sing hymns together (especially since they know parts, not just the melody) and they are studious and engulfed in their faith every day, no matter what junk gets thrown at them.
5. Never stop. My grandma was a mover and a shaker and drove until the day that she died. She came over to our house the night before and we played Uno and laughed ourselves silly. She went to bible study, church, events at the high rise that she lived in, and came to every concert, sporting event, and any other special occasion that she could make it to.
6. You can be old and wrinkled, and still be beautiful.
7. There is an afterlife. This is an issue that I really battled with all summer. I spent hours thinking and reading and trying to figure out if what I believe is really true, and one night, Roberta visited me in a dream and she looked just like she did the last day that I saw her, but also more beautiful than I could ever imagine. She was glowing. And as she sat on the floor of our living room, she looked up and told me that she words could not describe how happy she was and that I would indeed join her some day. This dream gave me such a peace that I can not even explain it.
I love my grandma with all that I am, and I love my Grandma Elbers in so many ways as well. I was blessed with 5 years in Sioux Falls of laundry and meals and crocheting and I am super blessed that she is still with us, and I make it a point not to miss anything she can teach me. My family is full to the brim with amazing people and I'm doing my best to try and glean any knowledge and wisdom from them.
I miss Roberta, but I would like to think that she would be mostly proud of me if she were here today.
Hugs and kisses from your redhaired princess, Grandma. I love you.
My Grandma Drullinger (Roberta) used to make this semi homemade mix with powdered milk and extra chocolate and it was always so good. I miss her so much lately. I wonder what she would think about Sam, and how she would have made the long trip to see me graduate from college, and how she would have been involved on my wedding day. I find myself wanting to know what she would have thought about my current job situation or if she would come and give Zumba a try, just to be supportive. Would Sam be able to charm her the way he has every other member of my family? And most of all, when Sam and I start talking about starting a family, or I think about where I will be in 5 years, I wonder what her face would have looked like on the day we announce that we are expecting.
She made awesome hot chocolate, orange julius, and corn casserole. She taught me how to sew on a button and how to blow bubbles out of the bubble pipes she kept by the bathtub, just for us grandkids. She taught me how to polish rocks, how to pray, and she taught me the words to This is my Story, Victory in Jesus, and It is Well with my Soul, among countless others. She taught me chinese checkers, how to make pancakes, and how to wrap presents in such a way that you are able to save all of the wrapping, bows, and boxes after Christmas morning. She taught me how to make a head band out of an old underwear waistband (she'd be mortified if she knew that I just told you that) and her traincase, which was one of two things that I asked for when she died, still smells like Soft Musk avon cologne and face powder.
She was one of the most joyful and Spirit filled women that I have ever met and I beat myself up quite a bit for not taking advantage of all of the lessons that she tried to teach me when she was alive and for not stopping by her apartment more. I regret not loving her more and not helping her more as she made the transistion down to North Platte.
The anniversary of her death is sneaking up on me and I can't believe that she has been gone so long. When I look back on the short amount of time that I had with her, these are the lessons and the wisdom that I take with me:
1. When in doubt, pray. When still in doubt, read the bible and pray some more.
2. Love everyone as best as you can. Even if he is the scary blind man that gets off on the wrong floor and tries to get into your room, he needs love too.
3. Sometimes a messy house just has to be messy. Life is meant to be lived and most days, its more important to spend time with dear friends than it is to wash dishes.
4. If you raise your children with love, and discipline, and instill in them all of God's glory, you can raise some pretty awesome kids. My dad is an amazing man and I am lucky to have my Aunt Joyce and Uncle David as well. I love when they all sing hymns together (especially since they know parts, not just the melody) and they are studious and engulfed in their faith every day, no matter what junk gets thrown at them.
5. Never stop. My grandma was a mover and a shaker and drove until the day that she died. She came over to our house the night before and we played Uno and laughed ourselves silly. She went to bible study, church, events at the high rise that she lived in, and came to every concert, sporting event, and any other special occasion that she could make it to.
6. You can be old and wrinkled, and still be beautiful.
7. There is an afterlife. This is an issue that I really battled with all summer. I spent hours thinking and reading and trying to figure out if what I believe is really true, and one night, Roberta visited me in a dream and she looked just like she did the last day that I saw her, but also more beautiful than I could ever imagine. She was glowing. And as she sat on the floor of our living room, she looked up and told me that she words could not describe how happy she was and that I would indeed join her some day. This dream gave me such a peace that I can not even explain it.
I love my grandma with all that I am, and I love my Grandma Elbers in so many ways as well. I was blessed with 5 years in Sioux Falls of laundry and meals and crocheting and I am super blessed that she is still with us, and I make it a point not to miss anything she can teach me. My family is full to the brim with amazing people and I'm doing my best to try and glean any knowledge and wisdom from them.
I miss Roberta, but I would like to think that she would be mostly proud of me if she were here today.
Hugs and kisses from your redhaired princess, Grandma. I love you.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Battle with fitness and my Zumba mantra
Why is it that whenever I leave the mall, I feel like a huge ogre and I'm ready to go home and either never eat again, or eat everything in sight? It's so depressing.
I am an almost 25 year old girl that has fought with her weight for upwards of 15 years. I remember standing on the scale at McDonald elementary as a 4th grader and being mortified when Mr. Woodhead told me that I weighed in at 108 lbs. I'm pretty sure the girl that was my roommate for two years in college tips the scales at that number when she got on the scale this morning.
High school was full of attempts to try strange diets without my parents finding out and college was full of obsessive work outs followed by some pretty awful binges. Now I am in a completely different place in my life. I am married, only working part time, and debating about 30 different options for my future. NOW is the time for me to conquer this stupid issue. I'm not healthy, I'm not happy, and I'm so very insecure, and it sucks.
I was invited to attend a free Zumba class by a friend of mine and I had a blast! After attending for a month, an opportunity came for me to become an instructor. I don't sit for my certification until the end of February, and I"m still just team teaching, but I have never been happier. Zumba is a high energy dance class that works for all age ranges, as long as you're willing to get down and boogie.
I still don't like to work out and I still don't like to eat fish or many other healthy foods, but I'm fighting every day to become the healthy and happy person that I want to be. It's not go for me (or my marriage, for that matter) to continue to maintain the weight that I am at. My hope is that with Zumba four days a week, and a greater effort to eat healthier foods, or at least smaller portions of "yummy" food, I will slowly work myself down to a healthier weight.
I don't want to run a marathon and I don't want to try and get back down to the same weight I was in 4th grade. I just want to be able to keep up with my husband and the kids at youth group and to like the way that I look when I try on a pair of pants. I dream about the day that I can go into a dressing room to try on a pair of pants and not leave the store in tears. Hopefully, with the amazing Zumba class that I am taking, and a little bit of hard work and discomfort, I'll get there.
I am an almost 25 year old girl that has fought with her weight for upwards of 15 years. I remember standing on the scale at McDonald elementary as a 4th grader and being mortified when Mr. Woodhead told me that I weighed in at 108 lbs. I'm pretty sure the girl that was my roommate for two years in college tips the scales at that number when she got on the scale this morning.
High school was full of attempts to try strange diets without my parents finding out and college was full of obsessive work outs followed by some pretty awful binges. Now I am in a completely different place in my life. I am married, only working part time, and debating about 30 different options for my future. NOW is the time for me to conquer this stupid issue. I'm not healthy, I'm not happy, and I'm so very insecure, and it sucks.
I was invited to attend a free Zumba class by a friend of mine and I had a blast! After attending for a month, an opportunity came for me to become an instructor. I don't sit for my certification until the end of February, and I"m still just team teaching, but I have never been happier. Zumba is a high energy dance class that works for all age ranges, as long as you're willing to get down and boogie.
I still don't like to work out and I still don't like to eat fish or many other healthy foods, but I'm fighting every day to become the healthy and happy person that I want to be. It's not go for me (or my marriage, for that matter) to continue to maintain the weight that I am at. My hope is that with Zumba four days a week, and a greater effort to eat healthier foods, or at least smaller portions of "yummy" food, I will slowly work myself down to a healthier weight.
I don't want to run a marathon and I don't want to try and get back down to the same weight I was in 4th grade. I just want to be able to keep up with my husband and the kids at youth group and to like the way that I look when I try on a pair of pants. I dream about the day that I can go into a dressing room to try on a pair of pants and not leave the store in tears. Hopefully, with the amazing Zumba class that I am taking, and a little bit of hard work and discomfort, I'll get there.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Musings of procrastination (or during, I suppose)
It is 10:38 on a Wednesday night and life is really no different that it was yesterday. Work, errands, P.E.O., supper, Zumba, some time with some friends, and then home to shower and get to bed....but I'm not in bed. Instead, I'm sitting on our red suede couch in our very messy living room trying to make some serious decisions and laughing and the moods that I seem to be flying through. I should be working on my "statement of purpose" for grad school that has to go in the mail tomorrow, or I will miss the deadline, but do I really want to go to grad school? Following is a list of all of the careers that I have considered pursuing and why I haven't gotten off my big butt to do any thing about it. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.
1. Masters of Fine Arts in Acting (or Musical Theatre) - The world of acting is competitive and cut throat. It is just as much about who you know as it is about who you are. I am a chubby midwestern girl that is quickly approaching her performance prime with absolutely no connections. What makes me think that I would be good enough to be admitted into a masters program, and that I would be able to find a job afterward? I relish the time I get to spend with my husband and if our quality time is diminished, then our relationship often encounters a great deal of stress (learned first hand when I was in rehearsal and production of Seussical this year), so am I willing to spend the majority of the next 5-10 years living an opposite schedule from my husband? Also, I still have to audition. I would awful if I spent a whole lot of time and money (that we don't really have at the moment) driving to Kansas City, staying two nights to audition, and then driving back, only to not get an offer. I haven't even finished my application, and I'm already worried about failure to the point that I'm afraid to take a chance.
2. High School Teacher - I actually think I would be really good at this, but several things terrify me. a.) How to create lesson plans. - I'm sure this is something they teach you when you are in your certification program, but it still freaks me out! b.) Being a "has-been" teacher. - I am only really qualified to teach theatre/speech/language artsy kind of stuff and thought of being that teacher that was once fairly good at acting, but never made it to the big time makes me nervous. c.) I sometimes find high school speech and theatre students to be eccentric and downright weird sometimes and I was really that kind of student and I don't know if I would be able to relate and/or deal with them. I was always the girl that was entered in 4 events so I wouldn't have to spend time with the kids that had blue hair and funky shoes. d.) School politics - If I have learned one thing between the day after I graduated from high school and now, it is that I am awful at diplomacy and politics. I would much rather say things the way I mean them, instead of beating around the bush and manipulating people to being on "my side" or helping me, and it seems that that is so much of life in a school district is any more and I fear I would be eaten alive.
3. Zumba Instructor - Last week I team taught my first Zumba class and didn't stop smiling. Each session is filled with such joy and sweat that it amazes me every time that I can feel so good and still be working out at the same time! But, currently I am just teaching half of the songs and the lead instructor is holding my hand and helping by creating song lists, showing me the dances, and still doing all of the paperwork when women show up. I'm sure I'll be fine when I'm on my own, because she will still be the lead instructor, but what if I start looking for something bigger. Does one open a Zumba studio? How many Zumba classes can North Platte support, along with its other various gyms and class offerings? What happens when I get pregnant or tear a ligament or we decide to move? What happens then?
I realize that I just made a page full of excuses and a certain North Platte friend would inform me that I am whining, and I am, but I am at a loss of what to do. We talked in Sunday School this summer about how maybe God didn't design one specific, exact path that you need to follow in order to be glorifying God with your life. Maybe its more like a systems of rivers and streams. Maybe there are lots of choices that will all glorify God with what your doing. Given, some rivers ends in lakes and never make it to the ocean, but you just crap your pants and row back up the river until you get back on the right stream. I DON'T like to row upstream. I am obsessed with making sure I am making the right choice so I don't have to eat my humble pie (which tastes worse than my cooking) and go back to where I last veered off path. I analyze to the point that I am mere hours away from needing to mail my application in, and I still haven't made any sort of a decision. I'm even analyzing it out in a blog for the cyber world to read.
A dear friend of mine recently left her job (not long after I left mine) and we volleyed about how difficult it was to make the decision to leave because we enjoyed the "status" that it gave us in our circles. Now, as I begin searching for what is really the "best" river to travel down with my dear redhead, I'm struggling with the same issue. Am I really wanting to go to grad school because I will enjoy it and it's what I want to do with my life, or am I wanting to go to prove to people that I can do it? Am I afraid of becoming a teacher because of the stigma it gives off and the oh so common phrase "if you can't do, teach" mantra? (which I read a blog about the other day and it helped a bit, but I still struggle) And, what makes me think I could gain any status being a chubby fitness instructor?
Dear God,
This is one mystery that I am totally over. If this were a game of Clue, I would totally be ready to rip the stupid cards out of that adorable Case File envelope and find out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, where the heck I'm supposed to be doing it, and who the heck is supposed to be there (in reference to when are we supposed to have kids? and what does it take to build a support system from scratch if we get called out of North Platte)?
Please just guide me in the way that will glorify You and allow Sam and I to continue to minister to people the best we know how and get make You proud. That's all that I want. Fling some doors open and I will follow willingly, no matter the cost. Help me. I'm lost. Just...help me.
1. Masters of Fine Arts in Acting (or Musical Theatre) - The world of acting is competitive and cut throat. It is just as much about who you know as it is about who you are. I am a chubby midwestern girl that is quickly approaching her performance prime with absolutely no connections. What makes me think that I would be good enough to be admitted into a masters program, and that I would be able to find a job afterward? I relish the time I get to spend with my husband and if our quality time is diminished, then our relationship often encounters a great deal of stress (learned first hand when I was in rehearsal and production of Seussical this year), so am I willing to spend the majority of the next 5-10 years living an opposite schedule from my husband? Also, I still have to audition. I would awful if I spent a whole lot of time and money (that we don't really have at the moment) driving to Kansas City, staying two nights to audition, and then driving back, only to not get an offer. I haven't even finished my application, and I'm already worried about failure to the point that I'm afraid to take a chance.
2. High School Teacher - I actually think I would be really good at this, but several things terrify me. a.) How to create lesson plans. - I'm sure this is something they teach you when you are in your certification program, but it still freaks me out! b.) Being a "has-been" teacher. - I am only really qualified to teach theatre/speech/language artsy kind of stuff and thought of being that teacher that was once fairly good at acting, but never made it to the big time makes me nervous. c.) I sometimes find high school speech and theatre students to be eccentric and downright weird sometimes and I was really that kind of student and I don't know if I would be able to relate and/or deal with them. I was always the girl that was entered in 4 events so I wouldn't have to spend time with the kids that had blue hair and funky shoes. d.) School politics - If I have learned one thing between the day after I graduated from high school and now, it is that I am awful at diplomacy and politics. I would much rather say things the way I mean them, instead of beating around the bush and manipulating people to being on "my side" or helping me, and it seems that that is so much of life in a school district is any more and I fear I would be eaten alive.
3. Zumba Instructor - Last week I team taught my first Zumba class and didn't stop smiling. Each session is filled with such joy and sweat that it amazes me every time that I can feel so good and still be working out at the same time! But, currently I am just teaching half of the songs and the lead instructor is holding my hand and helping by creating song lists, showing me the dances, and still doing all of the paperwork when women show up. I'm sure I'll be fine when I'm on my own, because she will still be the lead instructor, but what if I start looking for something bigger. Does one open a Zumba studio? How many Zumba classes can North Platte support, along with its other various gyms and class offerings? What happens when I get pregnant or tear a ligament or we decide to move? What happens then?
I realize that I just made a page full of excuses and a certain North Platte friend would inform me that I am whining, and I am, but I am at a loss of what to do. We talked in Sunday School this summer about how maybe God didn't design one specific, exact path that you need to follow in order to be glorifying God with your life. Maybe its more like a systems of rivers and streams. Maybe there are lots of choices that will all glorify God with what your doing. Given, some rivers ends in lakes and never make it to the ocean, but you just crap your pants and row back up the river until you get back on the right stream. I DON'T like to row upstream. I am obsessed with making sure I am making the right choice so I don't have to eat my humble pie (which tastes worse than my cooking) and go back to where I last veered off path. I analyze to the point that I am mere hours away from needing to mail my application in, and I still haven't made any sort of a decision. I'm even analyzing it out in a blog for the cyber world to read.
A dear friend of mine recently left her job (not long after I left mine) and we volleyed about how difficult it was to make the decision to leave because we enjoyed the "status" that it gave us in our circles. Now, as I begin searching for what is really the "best" river to travel down with my dear redhead, I'm struggling with the same issue. Am I really wanting to go to grad school because I will enjoy it and it's what I want to do with my life, or am I wanting to go to prove to people that I can do it? Am I afraid of becoming a teacher because of the stigma it gives off and the oh so common phrase "if you can't do, teach" mantra? (which I read a blog about the other day and it helped a bit, but I still struggle) And, what makes me think I could gain any status being a chubby fitness instructor?
Dear God,
This is one mystery that I am totally over. If this were a game of Clue, I would totally be ready to rip the stupid cards out of that adorable Case File envelope and find out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, where the heck I'm supposed to be doing it, and who the heck is supposed to be there (in reference to when are we supposed to have kids? and what does it take to build a support system from scratch if we get called out of North Platte)?
Please just guide me in the way that will glorify You and allow Sam and I to continue to minister to people the best we know how and get make You proud. That's all that I want. Fling some doors open and I will follow willingly, no matter the cost. Help me. I'm lost. Just...help me.
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