It is 10:38 on a Wednesday night and life is really no different that it was yesterday. Work, errands, P.E.O., supper, Zumba, some time with some friends, and then home to shower and get to bed....but I'm not in bed. Instead, I'm sitting on our red suede couch in our very messy living room trying to make some serious decisions and laughing and the moods that I seem to be flying through. I should be working on my "statement of purpose" for grad school that has to go in the mail tomorrow, or I will miss the deadline, but do I really want to go to grad school? Following is a list of all of the careers that I have considered pursuing and why I haven't gotten off my big butt to do any thing about it. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.
1. Masters of Fine Arts in Acting (or Musical Theatre) - The world of acting is competitive and cut throat. It is just as much about who you know as it is about who you are. I am a chubby midwestern girl that is quickly approaching her performance prime with absolutely no connections. What makes me think that I would be good enough to be admitted into a masters program, and that I would be able to find a job afterward? I relish the time I get to spend with my husband and if our quality time is diminished, then our relationship often encounters a great deal of stress (learned first hand when I was in rehearsal and production of Seussical this year), so am I willing to spend the majority of the next 5-10 years living an opposite schedule from my husband? Also, I still have to audition. I would awful if I spent a whole lot of time and money (that we don't really have at the moment) driving to Kansas City, staying two nights to audition, and then driving back, only to not get an offer. I haven't even finished my application, and I'm already worried about failure to the point that I'm afraid to take a chance.
2. High School Teacher - I actually think I would be really good at this, but several things terrify me. a.) How to create lesson plans. - I'm sure this is something they teach you when you are in your certification program, but it still freaks me out! b.) Being a "has-been" teacher. - I am only really qualified to teach theatre/speech/language artsy kind of stuff and thought of being that teacher that was once fairly good at acting, but never made it to the big time makes me nervous. c.) I sometimes find high school speech and theatre students to be eccentric and downright weird sometimes and I was really that kind of student and I don't know if I would be able to relate and/or deal with them. I was always the girl that was entered in 4 events so I wouldn't have to spend time with the kids that had blue hair and funky shoes. d.) School politics - If I have learned one thing between the day after I graduated from high school and now, it is that I am awful at diplomacy and politics. I would much rather say things the way I mean them, instead of beating around the bush and manipulating people to being on "my side" or helping me, and it seems that that is so much of life in a school district is any more and I fear I would be eaten alive.
3. Zumba Instructor - Last week I team taught my first Zumba class and didn't stop smiling. Each session is filled with such joy and sweat that it amazes me every time that I can feel so good and still be working out at the same time! But, currently I am just teaching half of the songs and the lead instructor is holding my hand and helping by creating song lists, showing me the dances, and still doing all of the paperwork when women show up. I'm sure I'll be fine when I'm on my own, because she will still be the lead instructor, but what if I start looking for something bigger. Does one open a Zumba studio? How many Zumba classes can North Platte support, along with its other various gyms and class offerings? What happens when I get pregnant or tear a ligament or we decide to move? What happens then?
I realize that I just made a page full of excuses and a certain North Platte friend would inform me that I am whining, and I am, but I am at a loss of what to do. We talked in Sunday School this summer about how maybe God didn't design one specific, exact path that you need to follow in order to be glorifying God with your life. Maybe its more like a systems of rivers and streams. Maybe there are lots of choices that will all glorify God with what your doing. Given, some rivers ends in lakes and never make it to the ocean, but you just crap your pants and row back up the river until you get back on the right stream. I DON'T like to row upstream. I am obsessed with making sure I am making the right choice so I don't have to eat my humble pie (which tastes worse than my cooking) and go back to where I last veered off path. I analyze to the point that I am mere hours away from needing to mail my application in, and I still haven't made any sort of a decision. I'm even analyzing it out in a blog for the cyber world to read.
A dear friend of mine recently left her job (not long after I left mine) and we volleyed about how difficult it was to make the decision to leave because we enjoyed the "status" that it gave us in our circles. Now, as I begin searching for what is really the "best" river to travel down with my dear redhead, I'm struggling with the same issue. Am I really wanting to go to grad school because I will enjoy it and it's what I want to do with my life, or am I wanting to go to prove to people that I can do it? Am I afraid of becoming a teacher because of the stigma it gives off and the oh so common phrase "if you can't do, teach" mantra? (which I read a blog about the other day and it helped a bit, but I still struggle) And, what makes me think I could gain any status being a chubby fitness instructor?
Dear God,
This is one mystery that I am totally over. If this were a game of Clue, I would totally be ready to rip the stupid cards out of that adorable Case File envelope and find out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, where the heck I'm supposed to be doing it, and who the heck is supposed to be there (in reference to when are we supposed to have kids? and what does it take to build a support system from scratch if we get called out of North Platte)?
Please just guide me in the way that will glorify You and allow Sam and I to continue to minister to people the best we know how and get make You proud. That's all that I want. Fling some doors open and I will follow willingly, no matter the cost. Help me. I'm lost. Just...help me.
I feel like you would be great at ALL and ANY of those things! I NEVER wanted to be a teacher, but being an aide for a year really made me appreciate that job. I sub here and there, and it is really great to go back to where I used to work, and make a difference in a child's day. Maybe get your sub certificate and see about doing that for a little while. You might find that you like it.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with the "what if's" in life as well. But over the last year, I have really learned that if you spend too much time thinking about them, you will miss the present. Just do what you love and don't worry!