Spring and Summer thoughts

Spring always seems to bring the exact same feeling every year. As I walk around Cody Park, I can remember walking around the campus at USF, feeling just like this.

If you go outside and walk on the grass, you'll find that the ground if over saturated. Full of the recent rains and the winter thaw, the water has no place to go, so it just sits there, waiting to be utilized by the grass.

Back when I was in college, the thaw and rain signified finals and the end of the school year. I would walk across the quad every spring feeling just like the grass. All of this knowledge sitting in my head, but so overwhelmed and over saturated, that it just sat there, waiting to be utilized.

Now, two years after I graduated from college, I'm walking around this half way decent park in North Platte, feeling the same way, but different. Since 2004, I have spent a summer working at the Black Hills Playhouse; an experience that I absolutely loved and despised at the same time. I lived and breathed theater for three months, but the sex and the booze and the lifestyle was more than I expected or could process at the time. I still am in the process of working through everything that I experienced that summer.

For eight months last school year, I traveled in an ugly green van with one amazing lady for the fall, and a dear friend for the spring. At times, these women brought out the best in me. They were my best friends and most days the only familiar face I would see for a month. Of course we had our frustrations and difficult kids and irritated parents, bad weather, a broken window, homesickness, jealousy, and even one big blow out, but at the end of the day, I loved knowing that my partner and I could make a difference in at least one child's life.

Now, for the past 12 months, I have worked tirelessly as the General Manager of the North Platte Community Playhouse in my hometown. Everyday I learn something new that I didn't know that I was supposed to do. I am over saturated with information on midwest theater, theater management, dealing with difficult personalities, how to enjoy everyone that walks in the door, and how to better myself.

All of my work information sets on top of all of the stuff that I am continuing to learn about myself. With every breath I take I face new revelation about how to be a wife, a daughter, a volunteer, a role model, and a woman. And I know someday I will have to add the knowledge of being a mother to my list of things to keep track of.

So now, here in May of 2010, I feel the same way I did in college, over saturated with knowledge. I have many times heard the phrase "Too much of a good thing can sometimes be bad." Does that phrase ever ring true for knowledge? Is it possible to have too much stuff in your head? Its keeping me awake at night.

So, this over saturated grass metaphor. Let's look at it in a different context. I know that I seem to talk about this subject a lot, but its honest to goodness how I feel almost all of the time right now. Right now, I feel like the water just sitting in the ground, waiting to be utilized by the grass. I feel like I am just floating around waiting to be utilized by God. I'm completely clueless. Every once in a while, the sun comes out and a little bit of the rain dries up and the grass needs me; working with the beautiful girls that come week after week to Epicenter youth group, song writing with Greg, performing with the semi-currently named Tikvah, holding Sophie and talking with Lisa, and making my husband smile. These are the moments that I finally feel utilized by God. These moments are becoming more frequent, but still farther apart than I would really like. The few songs that I have written cry out to be utilized more. So, in spite of the difficulties that comes with living in North Platte and working for a 501(c)(3) and having to deal with people who sometimes don't like me and some who expect too much from me, I will dredge on, waiting for the glimpses of the sun (or Son) and attempting to live in and for His glory.

Enjoy the windy, stormy, and humid weather. Good things are coming. I love you all.

Significance vs Success

A few weeks ago, Greg, Sam and I trekked to Arthur, Nebraska to perform in a special ceremony for the 2010 high school graduates. After the welcome, the senior song, and the presentation of Bibles, Greg and I made our way up on stage to sing three worship songs to a relatively unchurched group. Blessed Be Your Name, Absolutely, and Jesus, Lover of My Soul. Easy songs to play and easy songs to sing, but in spite of their ease and my nervousness, I was still able to communicate with my God. Here we were, singing in a tiny little church in front of a bunch of complete strangers, and I was able to let go and lift my voice to the Upmost.

With a smile on face, we completed our set and I went and sat beside my husband. Greg then began his message. He opened with the story of Simon's (Peter's) call to follow Jesus on the water. Here Peter was, at the pinnacle of his career. He has just caught more fish than his boat could carry and life was good. He was on the brink of astonishing success, but he chose Jesus. Living a life of success (fishing and becoming a wealthy business man) or living a life of significance (leaving all of his possessions at home and following a political and social outcast). That is the decision that we all must make. Sometimes they come hand in hand, but most times it is one or the other.

Greg was speaking to the 2010 high school graduates that night, but he spoke to me as well. Where does my life's significance (worshiping and living for God, singing, youth ministry, and living a life glorifying my husband and making plans to start a family) fit in with my rather pathetic attempts at suceess (a career, theater, some sense of social standing)? Is it really possible, in today's society, to push aside the ever pressing need to be "successful" and live "significantly?"

The mystery here is how does one live a life of significance while everyone around you is fighting for success? Why can't living life for God be like a V8 commercial? Why can't He just bop me on the head and tell me "You need to do this, this, and this, to fulfill your significance in life for My purpose."? There are so many choices. Stay at the theater, go back to school, start a family, move to a different state, pursue theater, pursue a life in the ministry. They all seem significant. Am I called to do any of this?

Father God, I need a bop on the forehead. Please help.

Burning the Waffles

Being domestic has never been one of my strong points. I have epically failed at making bread, doing laundry, and embroidering. Yesterday, I was super excited because I made ham salad from scratch and I even made omelets the night before last. But last night, after a fairly long day, I came home and attempted to make some form of supper for the love of my life.

We only have random groceries in the house and all of the hamburger was frozen. I looked into the cupboard and found Sam's waffle iron. After making waffle batter from scratch, and not feeling too good about it, I poured some in...and they tanked. Soggy on the outside and burned in the middle, I broke down and cried in the middle of the kitchen.

I feel like every day spent living in the human existence is spent trying to prove to everyone that you are not a fake. We tell white lies, photo-shop any pictures being put on facebook, use big words, and pay $70.00 a quarter to belong to a service club. We join groups and commit to more projects than we physically have time for, just so we can prove to everyone that we are a valued part of society; that we are important; that we are worth something to someone. Humans spend so much of their time focused on who they dream of being, instead of who God created them to be.

I have never been perfect. I've been 20-40 overweight most of my life. I have a fairly decent singing voice, though its nothing super special. My parents were always frustrated with my constant clutter. My office is a mess. I hate doing dishes. I'm a 24 year old with zits. If family history is any indicator, I will probably struggle to conceive any children. I'm whiny. I'm paranoid. I don't like vegetables. I swear more than I should. I say mean things about wonderful people and I don't like Glee. I'm not smart enough to have a job that changes lives, and I'm not talented enough to do the one thing that fills me with passion and joy.

That is a fairly short list of my imperfections, but the sad this is, I could go on and on for even longer, making a list of all the things I do to try to prove to people that I am not all those things.

Days before I married the love of my life, I was scrubbing our house from top to bottom in an attempt to prove to his family and friends that I was an amazing housekeeper and would be an amazing wife. I have taken voice lessons for years and tried almost every diet on the market, to only fail time and time again. I live my life with a constant anxiety that people will find out that I'm not as competent or as wonderful as I try to make everyone believe.

So here is the mystery that I have found today. How does one find joy in life, when they are so busy trying to prove something to the world? I'm giving up. I'm going to start living my life in a way that glorifies God and brings my joy, instead of trying to prove something to all of my family and friends. Here is my confession to everyone that I have ever known: I am not always a great listener, I struggle to with my body and I am not super smart, I just happen to be good at taking tests. I don't rock the plus size life style, in fact, I hate it. I don't think I'm very good at my job, but I'm trying the best way I know how. My life is not my own, but its not your's either.

Today, I am free. I am free from trying to make everyone believe that I am an amazing cook. That I am a disgustingly talented person. That I am in love with who I am. That I am loving life and rockin' it. I'm not doing any of that. But do you know what, I'm going to work on it. I'm going to take it one step at a time and find true joy in learning how to cook. In taking care of my body. In loving the Lord with all of my being and following him like I never have before.

Finding, not sloving

"Finding the mystery." This phrase was used in the sermon that was given the day that I married my best friend. I thought it was interesting. Find the mystery. Enjoy the mystery. Love the mystery of everyday life. But not once did larry say, "Solve the mystery."

So much of my life has been about striving to find the answers. Solving things and then moving on to the next. What if I slowed down for a bit and dedicated my life to finding the mystery and loving it instead of frantically frittering about? What if I chose to live God's way and to follow his path, instead of forging ahead on my own and trying to make things more difficult for myself? And what if I let all of my dreams and plans for my life disappear so I can focus on the goals and aspirations that God has in store for me?

I have never been much of a writer. In my attempts to write beautiful stories, keep journals, and track my life with diary entries, all I have ended up with is a shelf full of beautiful notebooks with only a few mere lines or pages written in each. I would be inspired for a few days and write until I couldn't think straight, and then it would go by the wayside.

This whole series of getting impassioned about a project and then letting the flame go out quickly has been the living cycle of my whole life. I want to find that thing that I get up for every morning. I have a job, but no plans for a career. I have a wonderful and beyond loving husband. Sam is my best friend and constant support. He is one of the few people that can keep my on track and focused on what I am working towards. With him by my side, I hope to stay focused on God's plans for me as an individual, as well as for Sam and I as a couple.

This blog is for me. And this blog is for every friend of mine who is struggling to find their place in life. Together we can find this mystery and enjoy it as we walk the road together.