So, maybe I'm just imagining things, but sometimes when I tell people about my latest swimming accomplishment (I swam 1,000 meters the other day without dying and I was so excited) or how I now get a stomach ache when I drink half a can of Coke, I feel like people give me a strange look and judge me a bit.
I know I shouldn't care what they think, but the part of me that has been fighting for the past 13 months (and frankly most of past 10 years) wants to yell back at them for judging me for trying to get healthy. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not on a diet. I'm not workng out for 8 hours a day. I will NOT start a "thinspration" board on pintrest full of skinny girls in their underwear.
I'm doing this...
...so I don't feel sick all the time.
...so I don't feel sluggish and greasy all the time.
...so I can feel radiant in the morning after a difficult run.
...so I can walk crooked and sit funny after a long bike ride.
...so I can learn a new skill and practice until I'm good at it.
...so I can look smashing in a swim cap.
...so I can make my husband proud.
...so my parents can have a happy daughter.
...so I can decrease my chance of so many diseases.
...so I can break the addiction to the cancer causing foods that I have been putting into my body.
...so I can try on clothes and not end up in a puddle of tears.
...because I started and I don't want to quit again.
...so I can prove you wrong.
...so I can set an example to everyone out there that you can do this.
...so I can be a BEAST!
...so I can get a number drawn on my leg and my arm in permanent marker and feel like I deserve to be there.
...so I can stand bare butt naked in front of a mirror and NOT look perfect, but be able to see the work and the sweat and the tears and the time that I have put into loving myself and making a change for a the better.
So, deep down inside, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't doing this for you. Part of me is. Part of me is doing it to prove some of you wrong and prove the rest of you right. I want to smash it in some people's faces when I finish my first triathlon in April. But I also want to receive the hugs and smiles that will be waiting for me at the finish line along with all of the people that have supported me and kept me going even when I wanted to give up on myself.
But part of me is also doing this for me. So even though I'm not perfect and you may not think that I'm doing it for the right reasons or that I'll just mess it up some way or give up again, frankly my dear, I don't give a ****. I run with a smile on my face, I cry on my bicycle and I swim with focus that I have never had in my entire life and I love me and love my life more now than any other moment in my existance.
To the haters, keep on hating.
To the supporters, thank you so much for loving me in spite of my own self image and never letting me lose hope when I back slide.
To myself, 99 days until put on that swimsuit, set up your gear, and do it. Stay focused. Feed your body the food that it needs and give it the workouts that it craves. Don't think your goals are unacheivable. You got this.
