My husband and I just bought a house. In North Platte. Yes, the town that I said I would never go back to. But, now I'm here and we have made this commitment to be here for at least five years. Sam loves his job and enjoys the work that we get to do in our church and the Sunday evening soccer league that he plays in with some area doctors and other guys. He enjoys the fishing, Brothers Tavern, and the fact that we now have a garage that allows him to dink around on cars and a new house with a plethora of opportunities for him to expand his Mr. Fix-It skills (a talent that a truly respect and admire in him. He has fixed our garage door opener, dishwasher, basement sink trap, washing machine drain, and is in the process of installing a shower in our upstairs bathroom.) My husband is truly amazing. I knew the moment that I met him that he was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined and every day I appreciate him more and more. I don't know how many thousands of dollars he has saved people over the years by helping them with cars, household stuff, computers, etc. He thrives in the role of being that guy that can fix anything.
But what about me? Where do I belong in this town? When I worked at the Playhouse, I was simply that. I felt flat. I felt like people only saw me as the face of the Playhouse and nothing more. My reputation reigned supreme as the girl who volunteered for everything, worked long hours, and would bend over backwards for everything. I lost my health, gave my husband way more grief than he ever deserved, and I lost myself. I thought I was only theatre. Then it all ended.
I have been working part time for the past 7 months with very little theatre in my life and it has completely changed me. I have learned that there is so much more to me. I can be a songwriter, a housecleaner, a person of faith with a developing theology, a really good best friend, and a decent wife. For years I thought that theatre was the only way that I could express myself. It was my only outlet for self expression. Now I can express myself through fabric and yarn and paper and music and all other things artistic that I never knew about. Things and ideas that I never dreamed I was capable of!
In a little over a week I'm going to back to full time. I'm so happy for the opportunity because its going to allow me to reach some goals that Sam and I have been striving for. It will be easier to pay the bills and for me to keep up my new found love for crafting. My hope and my prayer is that I be able to cling to my identity and not let the idea of a reputation get the better of me.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Fighting the Fear
This past Tuesday was the second to last episode of The Biggest Loser and the contestants were presented a challenge where they had to "put the weight back on" and carry it across a golf course, dropping of their weekly weighloss at each hole. Even though my weight loss is a quarter of what they have lost in 20 weeks, I took on this challenge the other day and walked to all of my errands (the library, bank, doctor's office, rec center, church, and grocery store = 5 miles total) with enough weight in my backpack to equal what I have lost thus far. Over the course of my walking, I just listened some easy guitar music and reflected on who I am and who I'm trying to become. The biggest concusion that I came to is that I am so fearful of everything it makes it hard to get anywhere! Here are some examples of the things that I am afraid of:
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Finding my self worth in...myself?
Recently, I was reading a friend's blog about her amazing experiences as a mom. She also posted about holy week and she's trying to live her life in an earth friendly way. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her beautiful writing.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Motivation: You've gotta fake it 'til you make it!
I had a really interesting conversation with a dear friend last night about motivation. We are both bigger girls and deal with the constant struggle to find pants that fit, bras in our size sold in stores (rather than just online), and an exercise schedule that works for us and makes us feel comfortable instead of ousted.
She told me that she was jealous of my motivation and my eagerness to stay healthy and lose weight. I just had to smile and shake my head. It's impossible to be totally motivated all of the time. If you try to stay 100% motivated 100% of the time you simply turn to yo-yo dieting where people drop 50lbs in 2 months and then gain it all back (plus more) when their motivation finally empties out. Instead of wasting all of my motivation right at the beginning, I have learned to ration it out when I really need it and then mix it with some bribery/corrosion (Just do it Brittany and then you can come home and take a nap; just do it Brittany and then you can come home and play some a game on the computer for a few minutes.) and I find that I can maintain my current lifestyle and fitness trend a lot longer than I ever had before. Being healthy is not about eating nothing but celery for 4 months and working out like an olympic athlete. Being healthy is about finding the balance in what you eat and how to stay active.
If I have learned anything in these past 4 months, its that when it comes to motivation, you've got to fake it until you make it. In the past 116 days, I have lost a grand total of 25 lbs (an average of only .25lbs a day) which is not spectacular, especially when you compare it to the 101 lbs in 17 weeks that Irene recently lost on Biggest Loser. It has been a slow and sometimes painful process in which I am forced to look at my eating choices, my exercise habits, and what is emotionally and mentally going on with me. There have been days where I definitely wanted to give up but I just keep faking motivation until I'm hit with another wave.
Becoming a Zumba instructor has also been a big factor in this life change. I don't have the option of not working out 4 days a week. On top of not being able to skip classes, I've really had to change my eating. I learned pretty quickly that if I ate fries and a coke before I taught class, it ended up being a very uncomfortable and BLOATED class, but if I ate some fruit leather and a hand full of almonds, I was smiling and sweating and having a good time. Now, I've been trying (and succeeding most days) to give myself healthier eating options and believe it or not, my body has started craving healthy options! And every time I have eaten fast food since January, my body has made me regret it. We're not meant to eat that stuff (except for Coke. I still can't give up Coke!) and your body with thank you many times over for not subjecting it to it.
Here is a list of some of the major lessons that I have learned and have really helped (and continue to help) me:
Easy things you can change to make healthy choices:
1. Quit making excuses about working out. Get off your butt and go for a walk. Take a class. I have found that classes work a lot better for me because it takes the questioning out of my workout. I show up, do the class, and then go home. I don't have to walk into some big huge gym and just stare at the equipment while feeling intimidated about it all. Zumba is the only workout that I have ever found that leaves me with a smile on my face when I'm done. Find what you love and do it. (P.S. Did you know that walking laps in a pool burns almost twice the calories of walking on land?!)
2. Find an accountability partner. Its a lot easier to struggle when you have the tough (but gentle) love of a friend who is walking the same road with you. Set a goal, a time line, and a reward for yourself (and don't use food for a reward. It never works out!) for reaching that goal. Celebrate the good things together and discuss what needs to be changed or where you messed up if you have an off week. Whether it's just you and a friend, or a group of friends, support is good. I do find that's its best for everyone to have the same general fitness goals, though. (Meaning if you are looking to lose some weight don't pair up with someone who is looking to run a marathon or vice versa. It makes it really difficult to challenge and support each other if you are on such different levels.)
3. Healthy eating sometimes takes awhile. Find some simple recipes and try to make some easier things if cooking isn't your thing. I am not a big fan of some of the "diet" cookbooks out there because they have an ingredient list two pages long and and filled with lots of items that you can't get here in the armpit of Nebraska. You have to force your mind to make better choices for awhile before your body starts to do it for you. Stick it out. I promise it will get better.
4. Little changes are way more important than big ones. How many of us have started that carb-free or fat-free or calorie-free diet that limits us to 17 calories a day and only chicken or intense exercise for 15 days straight and then 4 days where you are supposed to load up on carbs only to make it for a week before getting so frustrated that we give up? Don't try to change all the big problems at once. Start out by cutting your soda intake. Take a 15 minute walk. Substitute apple sauce for oil when baking and use fat free sour cream on your taco. Buy a pair of ankle weights and wear them under your work pants (maybe don't do this if you wear heels to work, trust me...) While watching TV simply stretch or get up and walk in place during the commercials. Little things make a much bigger impact because you are able to sustain them over a long period of time instead of crashing into huge changes and then giving up after a week.
5. Have a pair of goal pants as well as a goal weight. I have no qualms telling people that I currently weigh 189 lbs because I don't feel like I look like it. I have solid legs and as the old saying goes "muscle weighs more than fat." I have a goal weight, but I also have a pair of pants that I bought a few years ago hoping that I would be able to fit into them someday (obviously that someday has not arrived yet!). I'm pretty close to being able to button them, but I still have a decent amount to go until I reach my ideal weight. Having two different goals (one weight related and one size related) has provided me with some perspective in regard to my body. Would I prefer to be smaller and a bit on the softer side or would I prefer to be a bit heavier and feel toned and strong? How much does the number on the scale or on the tag of my pants mean to me vs. how I feel about myself? Also, there are some weeks where you feel like the scale is stuck. During those times, try on the said goal pants to see if your body measurements are just playing catch up to your weight loss, or if you have truly hit a plateau.
What I have to say about my fitness and health journey is nothing new. This same stuff has been said to me time and time again, it just took a few times for it to click with me. I'm not a health nut or a certified personal trainer or even anyone of any importance. I'm just trying to be me, and for once in my life, I feel like I'm getting close. :)
She told me that she was jealous of my motivation and my eagerness to stay healthy and lose weight. I just had to smile and shake my head. It's impossible to be totally motivated all of the time. If you try to stay 100% motivated 100% of the time you simply turn to yo-yo dieting where people drop 50lbs in 2 months and then gain it all back (plus more) when their motivation finally empties out. Instead of wasting all of my motivation right at the beginning, I have learned to ration it out when I really need it and then mix it with some bribery/corrosion (Just do it Brittany and then you can come home and take a nap; just do it Brittany and then you can come home and play some a game on the computer for a few minutes.) and I find that I can maintain my current lifestyle and fitness trend a lot longer than I ever had before. Being healthy is not about eating nothing but celery for 4 months and working out like an olympic athlete. Being healthy is about finding the balance in what you eat and how to stay active.
If I have learned anything in these past 4 months, its that when it comes to motivation, you've got to fake it until you make it. In the past 116 days, I have lost a grand total of 25 lbs (an average of only .25lbs a day) which is not spectacular, especially when you compare it to the 101 lbs in 17 weeks that Irene recently lost on Biggest Loser. It has been a slow and sometimes painful process in which I am forced to look at my eating choices, my exercise habits, and what is emotionally and mentally going on with me. There have been days where I definitely wanted to give up but I just keep faking motivation until I'm hit with another wave.
Becoming a Zumba instructor has also been a big factor in this life change. I don't have the option of not working out 4 days a week. On top of not being able to skip classes, I've really had to change my eating. I learned pretty quickly that if I ate fries and a coke before I taught class, it ended up being a very uncomfortable and BLOATED class, but if I ate some fruit leather and a hand full of almonds, I was smiling and sweating and having a good time. Now, I've been trying (and succeeding most days) to give myself healthier eating options and believe it or not, my body has started craving healthy options! And every time I have eaten fast food since January, my body has made me regret it. We're not meant to eat that stuff (except for Coke. I still can't give up Coke!) and your body with thank you many times over for not subjecting it to it.
Here is a list of some of the major lessons that I have learned and have really helped (and continue to help) me:
Easy things you can change to make healthy choices:
1. Quit making excuses about working out. Get off your butt and go for a walk. Take a class. I have found that classes work a lot better for me because it takes the questioning out of my workout. I show up, do the class, and then go home. I don't have to walk into some big huge gym and just stare at the equipment while feeling intimidated about it all. Zumba is the only workout that I have ever found that leaves me with a smile on my face when I'm done. Find what you love and do it. (P.S. Did you know that walking laps in a pool burns almost twice the calories of walking on land?!)
2. Find an accountability partner. Its a lot easier to struggle when you have the tough (but gentle) love of a friend who is walking the same road with you. Set a goal, a time line, and a reward for yourself (and don't use food for a reward. It never works out!) for reaching that goal. Celebrate the good things together and discuss what needs to be changed or where you messed up if you have an off week. Whether it's just you and a friend, or a group of friends, support is good. I do find that's its best for everyone to have the same general fitness goals, though. (Meaning if you are looking to lose some weight don't pair up with someone who is looking to run a marathon or vice versa. It makes it really difficult to challenge and support each other if you are on such different levels.)
3. Healthy eating sometimes takes awhile. Find some simple recipes and try to make some easier things if cooking isn't your thing. I am not a big fan of some of the "diet" cookbooks out there because they have an ingredient list two pages long and and filled with lots of items that you can't get here in the armpit of Nebraska. You have to force your mind to make better choices for awhile before your body starts to do it for you. Stick it out. I promise it will get better.
4. Little changes are way more important than big ones. How many of us have started that carb-free or fat-free or calorie-free diet that limits us to 17 calories a day and only chicken or intense exercise for 15 days straight and then 4 days where you are supposed to load up on carbs only to make it for a week before getting so frustrated that we give up? Don't try to change all the big problems at once. Start out by cutting your soda intake. Take a 15 minute walk. Substitute apple sauce for oil when baking and use fat free sour cream on your taco. Buy a pair of ankle weights and wear them under your work pants (maybe don't do this if you wear heels to work, trust me...) While watching TV simply stretch or get up and walk in place during the commercials. Little things make a much bigger impact because you are able to sustain them over a long period of time instead of crashing into huge changes and then giving up after a week.
5. Have a pair of goal pants as well as a goal weight. I have no qualms telling people that I currently weigh 189 lbs because I don't feel like I look like it. I have solid legs and as the old saying goes "muscle weighs more than fat." I have a goal weight, but I also have a pair of pants that I bought a few years ago hoping that I would be able to fit into them someday (obviously that someday has not arrived yet!). I'm pretty close to being able to button them, but I still have a decent amount to go until I reach my ideal weight. Having two different goals (one weight related and one size related) has provided me with some perspective in regard to my body. Would I prefer to be smaller and a bit on the softer side or would I prefer to be a bit heavier and feel toned and strong? How much does the number on the scale or on the tag of my pants mean to me vs. how I feel about myself? Also, there are some weeks where you feel like the scale is stuck. During those times, try on the said goal pants to see if your body measurements are just playing catch up to your weight loss, or if you have truly hit a plateau.
What I have to say about my fitness and health journey is nothing new. This same stuff has been said to me time and time again, it just took a few times for it to click with me. I'm not a health nut or a certified personal trainer or even anyone of any importance. I'm just trying to be me, and for once in my life, I feel like I'm getting close. :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
A letter to my unmarried self:
Dear Brittany,
You're getting married in just a few short days. Here are some things to remember:
-Find the straps to your dress. The seamstress did not alter it correctly and you will feel more comfortable with them on.
-Relax during pictures, or you'll end up looking scared (with your nostrils flared) in some of them.
- Eat an extra meatball and an extra cupcake. It's your wedding. Just do it.
Ok, but seriously,
Remember that you are about to stand up in front of all of your dearest friends and family and profess the love that you have for your best friend. He is the man that you have been waiting for your entire life. Don't mess this up. I can't promise you that this first year won't be difficult. In fact, you'll end up buying a new car, both of you will end up in completely different jobs, he'll make you learn how to drive a stick shift on Jeffers, you'll learn that he leaves his dirty socks inside out on the kitchen floor and he'll think thats its disgusting that you clean your ears with q-tips after you get out of the shower. It will take him awhile to learn that sometimes you just need a hug and you'll need to figure out that when he doesn't feel well, he doesn't want to be babied, he just wants to be left alone to sleep. Neither one of you will want to do the dishes and finances can take a while to figure out.
But also remember that every morning you get to wake up next to your best friend. In spite of all of the grossness of this world and your current position in life, you get to walk hand and hand with the one that makes you smile like a big cheesball. He will always be there to protect you when someone attacks you, slap you across the face (figuratively) when you are being ridiculous, and bring you the book, shoes, bra, CD, brush, tape, etc. that you happened to forget and can't get through the performance or meeting or day without it.
In turn, don't forget that coming home to a warm meal is a wonderful feeling, and doing the dishes yourself is a lot less painful than picking a fight over it. "Thank you" can never be heard enough and we don't get lost, we take the scenic route. Stand beside him when he's feeling beaten and love him, even if you don't seem to like each other at that given moment. Help his as best you know how and don't forget that the cat sometimes likes him better.
Marriage is not easy. No one ever told you that it would be. But, marriage is an amazing and interesting trip, to say the least. As Larry told you, don't ever stop looking for and enjoying the mystery that is this life. Live your life with a passion and intensity to serve your loving and amazing God and worship Him with your husband by your side.
Take each moment and cherish it. Don't waste a single minute, a single breath, a single heartbeat. Love him. Let him love you. And together, change the little piece of world that you belong to in the name of He who created you.
You're getting married in just a few short days. Here are some things to remember:
-Find the straps to your dress. The seamstress did not alter it correctly and you will feel more comfortable with them on.
-Relax during pictures, or you'll end up looking scared (with your nostrils flared) in some of them.
- Eat an extra meatball and an extra cupcake. It's your wedding. Just do it.
Ok, but seriously,
Remember that you are about to stand up in front of all of your dearest friends and family and profess the love that you have for your best friend. He is the man that you have been waiting for your entire life. Don't mess this up. I can't promise you that this first year won't be difficult. In fact, you'll end up buying a new car, both of you will end up in completely different jobs, he'll make you learn how to drive a stick shift on Jeffers, you'll learn that he leaves his dirty socks inside out on the kitchen floor and he'll think thats its disgusting that you clean your ears with q-tips after you get out of the shower. It will take him awhile to learn that sometimes you just need a hug and you'll need to figure out that when he doesn't feel well, he doesn't want to be babied, he just wants to be left alone to sleep. Neither one of you will want to do the dishes and finances can take a while to figure out.
But also remember that every morning you get to wake up next to your best friend. In spite of all of the grossness of this world and your current position in life, you get to walk hand and hand with the one that makes you smile like a big cheesball. He will always be there to protect you when someone attacks you, slap you across the face (figuratively) when you are being ridiculous, and bring you the book, shoes, bra, CD, brush, tape, etc. that you happened to forget and can't get through the performance or meeting or day without it.
In turn, don't forget that coming home to a warm meal is a wonderful feeling, and doing the dishes yourself is a lot less painful than picking a fight over it. "Thank you" can never be heard enough and we don't get lost, we take the scenic route. Stand beside him when he's feeling beaten and love him, even if you don't seem to like each other at that given moment. Help his as best you know how and don't forget that the cat sometimes likes him better.
Marriage is not easy. No one ever told you that it would be. But, marriage is an amazing and interesting trip, to say the least. As Larry told you, don't ever stop looking for and enjoying the mystery that is this life. Live your life with a passion and intensity to serve your loving and amazing God and worship Him with your husband by your side.
Take each moment and cherish it. Don't waste a single minute, a single breath, a single heartbeat. Love him. Let him love you. And together, change the little piece of world that you belong to in the name of He who created you.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tikva: The Garden Song
The lyrics to the song that Tikva will be playing at the service tonight:
The Garden Song
Little bird sits on the branch that it calls home
Watching that man walk by
With his head hung low and sorrow on his breath.
The bird questions "Why?
What was this man here for?"
And then he heard Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The tree stands by as he kneels down.
Crushed under the weight on his shoulders.
Praying for those who have yet to see.
Sweat drops form as the blood begins to fall.
He knows that this act will make the old ways now new.
Then He laid and cried
""Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.
Who will stay awake with Him.
He's given so much and taken so little.
And soon He'll give all that he has.
And can't you hear Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
Not my will.
Not my will.
But Yours.
The Garden Song
Little bird sits on the branch that it calls home
Watching that man walk by
With his head hung low and sorrow on his breath.
The bird questions "Why?
What was this man here for?"
And then he heard Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The tree stands by as he kneels down.
Crushed under the weight on his shoulders.
Praying for those who have yet to see.
Sweat drops form as the blood begins to fall.
He knows that this act will make the old ways now new.
Then He laid and cried
""Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.
Who will stay awake with Him.
He's given so much and taken so little.
And soon He'll give all that he has.
And can't you hear Him cry
"Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please take this cup from me.
Oh Abba, my Daddy. Please save me.
But it's not my will. Not my will but Yours."
Not my will.
Not my will.
But Yours.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The agony and beauty of growing pains.
These last ten months have been a period of incredible pain and growth. Last July, when I headed to Camp Moses Merrill to spend a week as a counselor, I was fat, spiritually broken, and emotionally lost.
I spoke at the final campfire about not giving up your faith even when it gets discouraging because I was at the end of my rope. Stress from my job, a new marriage, a dangerously low body image and serious doubts about the faith that I had believed in for all of my life had beaten me down to next to nothing. I can remember sitting with Greg in the swimming pool, watching campers splash each other and enjoy the sunshine, feeling completely lost. As we talked he told me that maybe this period of darkness and pain was stretching me and preparing me for something. Internally, I laughed at him. How could God be preparing me for anything bigger? I was stuck in a painful job, living in the hometown that I swore I would never go back to, and suffocating in a body that was on its way to a life of fast food, diabetes, and a fullfillment of my family's history of heart disease.
As I was driving to a baby shower this past weekend, listening to some different song ideas that Greg had recorded, I pulled over and just reflected on where I've been and how far I have come since that awful conversation on the pool steps. I've quit my job, become a fitness instructor (going from a XL to a M shirt size in the proceess), read and learned more about the Christian faith, and finally found peace in knowing that growing pains don't last for an eternity. It all culminated in my facebook status the other day, "Sometimes I have to remind myself that maybe God isn't closing doors in my face to be mean. I think He's got some totally wonderful and amazing door for me, but he's making sure I'm ready when it opens."
Growing pains are frustrating. For the past several months I've been writhing around in my own agony, feeling abandoned and alone. This past weekend I finally relaxed and found comfort in the hope that I am near the end of this growing streak.
One of the songs that Greg and I wrote talks about how I'm just an average girl with dreams of something more. It talks about how I need to know His plans so we can get this show on the road. And while that is very much how I feel, I'm going to spend the time that I have been given stretching and forcing myself to grow even more so that when that door finally opens, when that plan is finally revealed, I'll be ready.
I spoke at the final campfire about not giving up your faith even when it gets discouraging because I was at the end of my rope. Stress from my job, a new marriage, a dangerously low body image and serious doubts about the faith that I had believed in for all of my life had beaten me down to next to nothing. I can remember sitting with Greg in the swimming pool, watching campers splash each other and enjoy the sunshine, feeling completely lost. As we talked he told me that maybe this period of darkness and pain was stretching me and preparing me for something. Internally, I laughed at him. How could God be preparing me for anything bigger? I was stuck in a painful job, living in the hometown that I swore I would never go back to, and suffocating in a body that was on its way to a life of fast food, diabetes, and a fullfillment of my family's history of heart disease.
As I was driving to a baby shower this past weekend, listening to some different song ideas that Greg had recorded, I pulled over and just reflected on where I've been and how far I have come since that awful conversation on the pool steps. I've quit my job, become a fitness instructor (going from a XL to a M shirt size in the proceess), read and learned more about the Christian faith, and finally found peace in knowing that growing pains don't last for an eternity. It all culminated in my facebook status the other day, "Sometimes I have to remind myself that maybe God isn't closing doors in my face to be mean. I think He's got some totally wonderful and amazing door for me, but he's making sure I'm ready when it opens."
Growing pains are frustrating. For the past several months I've been writhing around in my own agony, feeling abandoned and alone. This past weekend I finally relaxed and found comfort in the hope that I am near the end of this growing streak.
One of the songs that Greg and I wrote talks about how I'm just an average girl with dreams of something more. It talks about how I need to know His plans so we can get this show on the road. And while that is very much how I feel, I'm going to spend the time that I have been given stretching and forcing myself to grow even more so that when that door finally opens, when that plan is finally revealed, I'll be ready.
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