MAJOR SECRET! IF YOU CAN NOT KEEP A SECRET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! This is an epic secret surprise. Don't ruin it.
A Memory Shower for my Dad (NOT a card shower. He is not that old yet!)
An open invitation here. No matter how you know my dad (Darrell Drullinger), whether it be through church, pageants, the theatre, music, college, high school, Chadron, I need your help. Seriously. My dad turns 60 on January 13, 2014. He is probably the best dad in the world and has been an amazing support through everything that everyone in our family has gone through. In an attempt to do something special for this milestone birthday, I need you...and a stamp. Can you send me your favorite memory, experience, story, or picture of my dad? Anything will fly. The only parameter I am asking for is that you mail it. I really like the idea of being able to physically hand him 60 pieces of his history, life, and the love that surrounds him on his 60th birthday and gve him a big surprise on this special day. If you have a minute right now, just stop, jot down a story and pop it in the mail. Send it before the holidays sweep away your life.
Darrell Drullinger
c/o Brittany McDaniel
1518 W. 3rd
North Platte, NE 69101
Please help me spread this around and send it to other high school and college classmates, church friends, and family members that I may not have contact with. My dad is amazing. Please help me give him an amazing birthday.
B
Friday, November 15, 2013
Monday, October 1, 2012
Painful miles and my breath prayer.
The past month of running has been more or less non-existent. Which
for most people is not a problem...but I am running a marathon in 12
days. My hip has been to see a chiropractor, a doctor, and now a PT.
My miles have been painful, not just on my hip, but also on my lungs and
my body and my spirit. As always, running seems to be a constant
metaphor for life. And every breath I take can be effected.
The past four months of my life have been short of perfect. I have logged some painful miles on the pavement, as well as on my spiritual journey and life in general. Sometimes breathing takes effort.
My breath prayer lives inside me with every gasp. I inhale with His name and exhale with my supplication. It changes and shifts depending on where my life is, but no matter what, this prayer continues to be as constant as my heart beat, as steady as the rising and falling of my chest, and as ever faithful as the God that it cries out to.
First it was, "Father God, have mercy on me."
Then, "Father God, please help."
Now, "Father God, You only."
Every step that I take, every stride during every mile, "Father God, You only." I am going to start a marathon at 7:30am on October 14th. I don't know how far I will make it/if I will finish, and if I do, what time frame it will be in or what my body will feel like when I am all done, but you better believe I will do my best. God never promised me pain free, easy miles and no rain on my new shoes. But He did promise to be there every step of the way.
The past four months of my life have been short of perfect. I have logged some painful miles on the pavement, as well as on my spiritual journey and life in general. Sometimes breathing takes effort.
My breath prayer lives inside me with every gasp. I inhale with His name and exhale with my supplication. It changes and shifts depending on where my life is, but no matter what, this prayer continues to be as constant as my heart beat, as steady as the rising and falling of my chest, and as ever faithful as the God that it cries out to.
First it was, "Father God, have mercy on me."
Then, "Father God, please help."
Now, "Father God, You only."
Every step that I take, every stride during every mile, "Father God, You only." I am going to start a marathon at 7:30am on October 14th. I don't know how far I will make it/if I will finish, and if I do, what time frame it will be in or what my body will feel like when I am all done, but you better believe I will do my best. God never promised me pain free, easy miles and no rain on my new shoes. But He did promise to be there every step of the way.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Marathon Training: So much more than just the miles
6 weeks ago I started a journey. Some 100+ miles later, I am a mere 14 weeks away from running 26.2 miles through Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. On my 14 mile run this morning, my longest I have logged in my entire life, I started thinking about how this training has become so much more than just running and running and running some more.
Marathon training is a balancing act. I have to balance between work and running. School and running. My husband and running. Sleep and running. My faith and running. So many things in my life demand and deserve attention and I know that they are important, but I am learning that running also deserves my attention. Sometimes my 4 miles in the morning is the only time I get to be with just me. I can sift through my thoughts, write endless blogs in my head that never make it to the computer screen, pray, or find an empty space in my head and just rest. I am juggling the things in my life a bit better than I used to because through training, I have learned that being there for other people and fulfilling my responsibilities are important and I won't shirk those things that I know I need to do, but I won't give up training either. There are some mornings when I skip a run because I stayed up a little too late playing Mario Kart with my husband, but there are also some nights when I have to say no to people or go a little easy on the soda or the food because I have a big run in the morning. Its a balancing act.
Marathon training is an education about who you are. When I crossed the finish line of my first triathlon back in April, I became a different person. I finally became the strong, confident, radiant young woman that people had been telling me I could be. I finally believed in myself. Swimming, biking and jogging around like a mad person for 1:35:46 taught me that I could do anything if I only just did the work. Running is teaching me that I can do anything if I just do the work and don't give up. I am one of those people that typically doesn't try many new things because I like being competent and successful at what I am doing. Training for a 26.2 mile race does not make me feel very competent or successful sometimes. When it is hot and humid outside and when I'm running on three hours of sleep because I had another panic attack, my runs are awful. Some days I am bloated or dehydrated or just crabby. It happens. I'm sure there are some mornings when I could have walked faster than I was running, but I still kept going. I have given up on so many things in my life, and I realize that I still have 14 weeks and the actual race that could push me to that breaking point, but I don't think that will happen. I have developed such a sense of resiliency and the ability to finish a run with a smile and say, "That sucked. Let's try again tomorrow." and move on with my day. I am continuing to do things that I never even dreamed of. I ran 14 miles this morning. 14! Two years ago I couldn't have run for 14 minutes, let alone 14 miles. Those of you who know me, know that this feat is pretty insane, but guys, I am doing it. For the first time in my life, EVER, I am comfortable with who I am. I stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in about three weeks and I was really nervous about what it would say. When that number popped up, the only thing I could think about was how, even though I really liked the number that I saw, my weight really didn't matter anymore. What a bizarre thought to have. I have been trying to lose weight most of my adult life and now all of the sudden, it doesn't matter? What a freeing feeling! My body is no where near perfect. Every time a car drives by, I am pretty sure the passenger is making a snarky comment to the driver about my thunder thighs jiggling in the wind, and I know that my stomach will never look like a fitness model's six-pack abs, but for the first time in my life, I love my body. Blisters, stretch marks, zits and all.
Marathon training is a listening exercise. I have to listen to everything around me. I need to know where cars are so I don't get hit. I have to listen to the music to help me find my cadence and to free up my head space. I have to listen to the sound of my feet hitting the ground so I know if my body is out of balance because of something I am mechanically doing wrong or if there is an issue with my socks or shoes or some other external factor. And most importantly, I have to listen to my body and know when it it is time for water, a snack, a walk break, or a day off. I have to know my body well enough to get it moving 5 days a week for a minimum of 35 minutes a day and on Saturdays upwards of 3 hours (and that number will only get longer). And I have to listen to my heart. I have to listen when it tells me that I can do this when my legs and hips and head tell me that I can't. I have to listen when God speaks to it mid run and there is nothing I can do but cry and keep going. I have to listen to it when it gives me encouragement after someone has given me a funny look or said a hurtful comment after I mention that I am training. I used to think that I was an excellent listener. I wasn't, but I sure am now.
Marathon training is not for everyone. There are lots of things that I think everyone (mostly) can participate in. 5Ks are an amazing example. I believe everyone should do a 5K at least once in their life. Just so they can feel what it feels like to wear a race bib and cross a finish line with people cheering for you at the end. It is wonderful. But going 3.1 miles is a whole heap different than going 26.2. I have spent the better part of 6 months praying and thinking and preparing and researching for this. Do not take up marathon training lightly. Some people's bodies are not meant to run. Structurally, we are all built a little bit differently. I was never built for speed. I will never be the front runner for any race. But I have learned that I am a creature of endurance, and if I can get past that 2 mile mark, I can go for days. My body is meant to do this kind of thing. I just treated it so poorly for years that I never knew. If marathon training is not for you, that is ok, it is your story. But then find something that is for you and love every sencond of it.
Marathon training is preparation. More thought and planning and searching and tinkering went into getting me ready to start training than almost any other project I have undertaken. I had to buy new shoes, new socks, a race belt, non cotton underwear, bottles upon bottles of sunscreen, and power gels and an obscene number of bananas. I read three different books and looked at more blogs than was probably good for me. But when I started, I knew I was prepared. Be a boy scout. Do your homework and know your stuff. You want this to be a safe and fun and amazing experience. Don't ruin it by not being ready and getting injured or bringing heat stroke down on yourself because you didn't pack water.
Marathon training is the mileage. I know I said in the beginning that it is more than that, and it is, but the mileage is still important. I still have to drag myself out of bed and pound that pavement. I have do to the work. So between now and October 14th, I will continue to yank on my black and pink running shoes and smear some sunscreen on my nose so I can get at it again. Mile after mile, I just search for that happy place and settle in for a good run. One of the best feelings in the world.
One of my mentors and former teachers commented on this post run picture of me on facebook and said, "Who is this girl?" And do you know what, I don't know who she is, but I like her quite a bit and I hope she is ready to stick around for a long while. I love being happy and healthy and showing everyone that even though they may not be prepared to run a marathon tomorrow, they are still more than ready to get healthy today.
Much love. Britt.
Marathon training is a balancing act. I have to balance between work and running. School and running. My husband and running. Sleep and running. My faith and running. So many things in my life demand and deserve attention and I know that they are important, but I am learning that running also deserves my attention. Sometimes my 4 miles in the morning is the only time I get to be with just me. I can sift through my thoughts, write endless blogs in my head that never make it to the computer screen, pray, or find an empty space in my head and just rest. I am juggling the things in my life a bit better than I used to because through training, I have learned that being there for other people and fulfilling my responsibilities are important and I won't shirk those things that I know I need to do, but I won't give up training either. There are some mornings when I skip a run because I stayed up a little too late playing Mario Kart with my husband, but there are also some nights when I have to say no to people or go a little easy on the soda or the food because I have a big run in the morning. Its a balancing act.
Marathon training is an education about who you are. When I crossed the finish line of my first triathlon back in April, I became a different person. I finally became the strong, confident, radiant young woman that people had been telling me I could be. I finally believed in myself. Swimming, biking and jogging around like a mad person for 1:35:46 taught me that I could do anything if I only just did the work. Running is teaching me that I can do anything if I just do the work and don't give up. I am one of those people that typically doesn't try many new things because I like being competent and successful at what I am doing. Training for a 26.2 mile race does not make me feel very competent or successful sometimes. When it is hot and humid outside and when I'm running on three hours of sleep because I had another panic attack, my runs are awful. Some days I am bloated or dehydrated or just crabby. It happens. I'm sure there are some mornings when I could have walked faster than I was running, but I still kept going. I have given up on so many things in my life, and I realize that I still have 14 weeks and the actual race that could push me to that breaking point, but I don't think that will happen. I have developed such a sense of resiliency and the ability to finish a run with a smile and say, "That sucked. Let's try again tomorrow." and move on with my day. I am continuing to do things that I never even dreamed of. I ran 14 miles this morning. 14! Two years ago I couldn't have run for 14 minutes, let alone 14 miles. Those of you who know me, know that this feat is pretty insane, but guys, I am doing it. For the first time in my life, EVER, I am comfortable with who I am. I stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in about three weeks and I was really nervous about what it would say. When that number popped up, the only thing I could think about was how, even though I really liked the number that I saw, my weight really didn't matter anymore. What a bizarre thought to have. I have been trying to lose weight most of my adult life and now all of the sudden, it doesn't matter? What a freeing feeling! My body is no where near perfect. Every time a car drives by, I am pretty sure the passenger is making a snarky comment to the driver about my thunder thighs jiggling in the wind, and I know that my stomach will never look like a fitness model's six-pack abs, but for the first time in my life, I love my body. Blisters, stretch marks, zits and all.
Marathon training is a listening exercise. I have to listen to everything around me. I need to know where cars are so I don't get hit. I have to listen to the music to help me find my cadence and to free up my head space. I have to listen to the sound of my feet hitting the ground so I know if my body is out of balance because of something I am mechanically doing wrong or if there is an issue with my socks or shoes or some other external factor. And most importantly, I have to listen to my body and know when it it is time for water, a snack, a walk break, or a day off. I have to know my body well enough to get it moving 5 days a week for a minimum of 35 minutes a day and on Saturdays upwards of 3 hours (and that number will only get longer). And I have to listen to my heart. I have to listen when it tells me that I can do this when my legs and hips and head tell me that I can't. I have to listen when God speaks to it mid run and there is nothing I can do but cry and keep going. I have to listen to it when it gives me encouragement after someone has given me a funny look or said a hurtful comment after I mention that I am training. I used to think that I was an excellent listener. I wasn't, but I sure am now.
Marathon training is not for everyone. There are lots of things that I think everyone (mostly) can participate in. 5Ks are an amazing example. I believe everyone should do a 5K at least once in their life. Just so they can feel what it feels like to wear a race bib and cross a finish line with people cheering for you at the end. It is wonderful. But going 3.1 miles is a whole heap different than going 26.2. I have spent the better part of 6 months praying and thinking and preparing and researching for this. Do not take up marathon training lightly. Some people's bodies are not meant to run. Structurally, we are all built a little bit differently. I was never built for speed. I will never be the front runner for any race. But I have learned that I am a creature of endurance, and if I can get past that 2 mile mark, I can go for days. My body is meant to do this kind of thing. I just treated it so poorly for years that I never knew. If marathon training is not for you, that is ok, it is your story. But then find something that is for you and love every sencond of it.
Marathon training is preparation. More thought and planning and searching and tinkering went into getting me ready to start training than almost any other project I have undertaken. I had to buy new shoes, new socks, a race belt, non cotton underwear, bottles upon bottles of sunscreen, and power gels and an obscene number of bananas. I read three different books and looked at more blogs than was probably good for me. But when I started, I knew I was prepared. Be a boy scout. Do your homework and know your stuff. You want this to be a safe and fun and amazing experience. Don't ruin it by not being ready and getting injured or bringing heat stroke down on yourself because you didn't pack water.
Marathon training is the mileage. I know I said in the beginning that it is more than that, and it is, but the mileage is still important. I still have to drag myself out of bed and pound that pavement. I have do to the work. So between now and October 14th, I will continue to yank on my black and pink running shoes and smear some sunscreen on my nose so I can get at it again. Mile after mile, I just search for that happy place and settle in for a good run. One of the best feelings in the world.
Much love. Britt.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Midwest Living Sucks
I have lived in Nebraska for 21 of my 26 years. More specifically, North Platte, Nebraska. Most days I don't mind it, but lately it has been really difficult. In the past six months, we have lost three sets of friends to bigger and better cities/jobs. We have taken on the responsibility of trying to keep a handful of middle school and high school kids Christ centered in an ever unbalanced world. I started school. My life was tilted off its axis quite a bit earlier this summer. I started training for a marathon. We planned (and are about ready to execute) a mission trip. Sam started playing softball with another church in a league here in town. We have traveled up and down the whole United States playing soccer and visiting and going to weddings and seeing family and running races and helping people.
But it has not been enough. Midwest people can never give, do, provide, work, or be enough. For the most part, it is an excellent idea to want to better yourself and your community, but sometimes, it is exhausting. The worst questions I get asked on an almost weekly basis include:
-"When are you going to start bringing your nice young couples to church on Sunday?"
....Ummm....we have no friends. Thank you so much for reminding me, again, that we sit home alone together and watch Family Guy and Downton Abbey because we don't really have any friends under the age of 40 in this town. I had completely forgotten how lonely we were until you brought it up....again. But here, let me put on a sandwich board and walk up and down Jeffers asking for "nice young couples" to join us for a morning of worship.
-"Have you started thinking about babies yet? The church nursery looks pretty bare. I'm sure your dad would just be over the moon if he had a little redheaded grandbaby to carry around. I bet you and Sam have the cutest little redheaded babies., etc."
I get it. You want me to have a baby. But it is my uterus and my business. What if I am not able to have children? Did you ever think of that? (I don't know if my body is able to or not, but it is something that I worry about frequently and you asking about it makes me worry all the more.) And when was the last time you had to pay for maternity insurance? If you would like to pay the extra $180ish a month in the hopes that I might get pregnant, be my guest! And how do you know what God's plan is for my life and for Sam's life? He is moving and changing things in my life right now and I am not really in the place to be bringing a child into the world while going to school and working full time and leading a youth group and teaching Zumba and cleaning house and spending time with the love of my life.
-"So what are you doing with your life now?"
Absolutely nothing. Squat. and at the same time, everything under the sun. To some of my "more famous friends", I am sure my life looks mundane and boring compared to the glamorousness that they live on the coast, but I am making a difference where I am doing what I can with what I have when I can at this moment in my life.
-"Can you help with....donate to....lead the...."
Currently I am trying to live my life with only joy, strength, love, compassion, laughter, wisdom and hope. As a culture, the Midwest demands that you work at your job all week and then work all weekend doing the things that you can't get done during the week because you are too busy working. Sometimes I say no to you. Not to be mean or snide, but so that I can mold myself to my couch and watch something dumb on the tv with my husband on Saturday afternoon or so that I can actually cook a meal instead of feeding him tatertot casserole...again. I say no to you because I choose to use my limited cash flow to support causes that are important to me. And I say no to you because I do not believe that I am the kind of strong, intelligent leader that you think I am.
Frankly, Sam and I have no desire to move out of the South Dakota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri region. But there are those days, the days when the string of requests and prying questions seems never ending and the list of good, dear friends within a 30 mile radius is shorter than my softball career. Those are the days when I wish and dream and hope of a life in a big city where we have a small group of good friends but no one outside of that circle knows my maiden name. It may sound odd, but I want a life on anonymity and intimacy at the same time. It is probably unattainable, especially in a community where everyone seems to know you peed before you have even flushed the toilet, but I am trying. Please, just throw me a bone here.
But it has not been enough. Midwest people can never give, do, provide, work, or be enough. For the most part, it is an excellent idea to want to better yourself and your community, but sometimes, it is exhausting. The worst questions I get asked on an almost weekly basis include:
-"When are you going to start bringing your nice young couples to church on Sunday?"
....Ummm....we have no friends. Thank you so much for reminding me, again, that we sit home alone together and watch Family Guy and Downton Abbey because we don't really have any friends under the age of 40 in this town. I had completely forgotten how lonely we were until you brought it up....again. But here, let me put on a sandwich board and walk up and down Jeffers asking for "nice young couples" to join us for a morning of worship.
-"Have you started thinking about babies yet? The church nursery looks pretty bare. I'm sure your dad would just be over the moon if he had a little redheaded grandbaby to carry around. I bet you and Sam have the cutest little redheaded babies., etc."
I get it. You want me to have a baby. But it is my uterus and my business. What if I am not able to have children? Did you ever think of that? (I don't know if my body is able to or not, but it is something that I worry about frequently and you asking about it makes me worry all the more.) And when was the last time you had to pay for maternity insurance? If you would like to pay the extra $180ish a month in the hopes that I might get pregnant, be my guest! And how do you know what God's plan is for my life and for Sam's life? He is moving and changing things in my life right now and I am not really in the place to be bringing a child into the world while going to school and working full time and leading a youth group and teaching Zumba and cleaning house and spending time with the love of my life.
-"So what are you doing with your life now?"
Absolutely nothing. Squat. and at the same time, everything under the sun. To some of my "more famous friends", I am sure my life looks mundane and boring compared to the glamorousness that they live on the coast, but I am making a difference where I am doing what I can with what I have when I can at this moment in my life.
-"Can you help with....donate to....lead the...."
Currently I am trying to live my life with only joy, strength, love, compassion, laughter, wisdom and hope. As a culture, the Midwest demands that you work at your job all week and then work all weekend doing the things that you can't get done during the week because you are too busy working. Sometimes I say no to you. Not to be mean or snide, but so that I can mold myself to my couch and watch something dumb on the tv with my husband on Saturday afternoon or so that I can actually cook a meal instead of feeding him tatertot casserole...again. I say no to you because I choose to use my limited cash flow to support causes that are important to me. And I say no to you because I do not believe that I am the kind of strong, intelligent leader that you think I am.
Frankly, Sam and I have no desire to move out of the South Dakota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri region. But there are those days, the days when the string of requests and prying questions seems never ending and the list of good, dear friends within a 30 mile radius is shorter than my softball career. Those are the days when I wish and dream and hope of a life in a big city where we have a small group of good friends but no one outside of that circle knows my maiden name. It may sound odd, but I want a life on anonymity and intimacy at the same time. It is probably unattainable, especially in a community where everyone seems to know you peed before you have even flushed the toilet, but I am trying. Please, just throw me a bone here.
Monday, April 30, 2012
The day I became a triathlete
I once read a quote that said "Being an athlete is a state of mind which is not bound by age, performance, or place in the running pack." This weekend, I proved that to myself.
This past Christmas I decided that I my weight loss had gotten stuck and I had started to slide. I needed a goal. I needed something to work towards. After watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon, I really started getting serious about doing some sort of a race. I registered for the James O'Rourke Memorial Trialthlon and started my training exactly 4 months from the date of the race. Over those 4 months, I learned how to swim (and knock my swim time down by 8 minutes!), I built up speed on the bike, and I added some serious mileage to my running. But this blog entry isn't about what I did for the 4 months. This isn't about the anticipation and the blisters and the tears and the ungodly amount of sweet potatoes that I ate. This is about the day that I became a triathlete. A play by play breakdown of how I changed from ordinary Brittany McDaniel to Brittany McDaniel, the triathlete.
April 28th, 2012
5:45 a.m. - I woke up, loaded my bike onto my bike rack, grabbed my hard boiled egg, two bananas, and a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter, and after checking my bags one more time and adding my two bottles of half frozen water, I kissed my sleepy husband good-bye and headed out the door.
6:10 a.m. - The sun wasn't even quite up yet and I was the 3rd (!!!!) person to rack my bike. I was beyond estatic. I got the front end of the first rack, which meant my bike was easy to find and my T2 transition was super fast. I hung my bike by its seat and set my bag beside it and went inside to eat my breakfast.
6:30 a.m. - I went out and set up my transition station. I double checked the two gels I had taped onto my bike (I would be so glad I did this later on in the race), threw one towel over my bike and set the other on the ground, hung my helmet on my handlebars with my race belt and sunglasses tucked inside, and then set out my shoes with rolled up socks on top of them, my tri shirt, my spare water bottle, extra sunscreen, and my headband and necklace on the towel.
6:40 a.m. - From this time until 7:30 a.m. was the most painful part for me. I didn't know anyone else who was racing that day so I felt like an awkward middle schooler hanging around in the gym, so I just found a quiet corner and watched the water drip from the ceiling into the pool.
7:30 a.m. - I finally changed into my suit and jammers and got marked on both arms and legs. After a layer of sunscreen, I put my sweats back on and checked my transition station one last time.
7:55 a.m. - Timing chip clipped on. I thought that they would be annoying and awkward, but I didn't even realize that I was wearing one, which I was thankful for.
8:00 a.m. - Pre-race meeting. I think I heard about 10 words that the race director said (Sorry, Brock!) because I was too busy looking around at all the different layers of outfits that people were wearing and how skinny (and not skinny) some of the competitors were.
8:35 a.m. - Race begins. I was #55, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing the pool for a bit. I talked with some really awesome friends and got my picture taken with them because Allison had even made a sweet shirt, and after a final application of carmex, I grabbed my swimming gear and headed to the pool.
8:50 a.m. (From this point on, I had no idea what time it was) - I did a warm up of about 6 short laps in the deep end of the pool and was feeling pretty good. Not many nerves and I had finally stopped shaking. I watched a bunch of swimmers do their thing and then they called my number.
The Swim - I was nervous about the swim from the start. During the practice run on Tuesday, I completely panicked and lost all sense of form and there was no evidence of the training lessons that I had been participating in. I was in the far lane of Lane 6, which meant I was up against the wall part of the time and the deep end the other part. I just kept telling myself that I just had to get through 20 lengths and the rest would be easy. I stopped once to adjust my swim cap, but other than that, I swam the whole time and was happy to hop out of the water. (12:11 was my swim time)
T1 - My first transition was near flawless. My socks and shoes went on without a flaw and I even managed to wrangle my shirt without a struggle. I was glad a friend loaned me a race belt so I didn't have to deal with safety pins. Since it was a smaller race and the swim was a rolling start, the rack area was not nearly as congested as I expected it to be which made life a lot easier. I waved to my audience and headed out. (1:28)
The Bike - I was so glad that I had taped two gel packs to my bike. I ate a decent breakfast at 6:15ish but then I spaced off eating my second banana because I was so nervous. I settled into a good gear and once I got up some speed and had strapped my feet in (I rode in just my running shoes and used the straps on my pedals) I downed a gel and felt quite a bit better. I knew going out that there were two overpasses at the beginning and then a fairly level area with two decent hills before the turn around. I passed a few people on the way out, but everyone was struggling against the headwind. At the turn around point, I didn't know what to expect because there have been a few rides where I thought I was in a headwind and then when I turned, was proven wrong, but I lucked out. I flew through the second half and it was probably my fastest split ever. On the last half mile, I downed another gel just for good measure, which was really fairly silly as it was a fairly short race, but then I stretched out my calves and hamstrings and discovered that my toes were super cold (from wet socks and shoes and lots of wind) and that did not do me any favors getting off the bike and heading out on the run. (50:09)
T2 - The best part about waking up super early and leaving your kickstand on your bike? Your T2 is crazy short! I slid my bike into place, wiggled my toes while unclipping my helmet and grabbed my headband and tri necklace on the way. (0:19)
The Run - Heading out for the run was my "Dude! I'm really going to finish this!" moment. I didn't want to burn out 100 yards from the end so I took a comfortable pace and focused my efforts on encouraging everyone that I met on the route. Some were hardened tri-vets who looked at my like I was nuts but there were also people like me who were loving every minute of it. When I rounded that last corner and gave what I had left, the grin that I had been wearing the whole race just took over. I may not have run my fastest time, but I hadn't walked a step! (31:37)
The Finish - Crossing the finish line and seeing the faces of all of the people who had come just to sit and watch my bike and run by for a few seconds over the course of 2 hours, was beyond humbling. I smiled and danced and laughed myself silly.
The Aftermath - After my husband helped me load up my transition station, I showered and waited around for awards. I didn't expect anything, but I figured it was the polite thing to do. In my head I had it figured that I came pretty close to 1:45, which was what I had set as my ultimate fastest time possible goal, and I knew that I had passed one girl on the bike that was in my age division so I knew that I was not last. While they were announcing the top three finishers in each age division, my swimming coach and all around fantastic mentor came jogging over to me.
"I've been looking everywhere for you. I wanted to be the one to show you."
And there was my name. Beside a "4." A 4? I turned my head into her shoulder and finally cried. With a time of 1:35:46, I placed 4th in my age division and 10th of out the women. I am a triathlete. And I can tell you every tear, drop of sweat, sore muscle, sunburn, dollar, bruise, and dirty dish was worth it.
I'm doing things I never thought I could do.
This past Christmas I decided that I my weight loss had gotten stuck and I had started to slide. I needed a goal. I needed something to work towards. After watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon, I really started getting serious about doing some sort of a race. I registered for the James O'Rourke Memorial Trialthlon and started my training exactly 4 months from the date of the race. Over those 4 months, I learned how to swim (and knock my swim time down by 8 minutes!), I built up speed on the bike, and I added some serious mileage to my running. But this blog entry isn't about what I did for the 4 months. This isn't about the anticipation and the blisters and the tears and the ungodly amount of sweet potatoes that I ate. This is about the day that I became a triathlete. A play by play breakdown of how I changed from ordinary Brittany McDaniel to Brittany McDaniel, the triathlete.
April 28th, 2012
5:45 a.m. - I woke up, loaded my bike onto my bike rack, grabbed my hard boiled egg, two bananas, and a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter, and after checking my bags one more time and adding my two bottles of half frozen water, I kissed my sleepy husband good-bye and headed out the door.
6:10 a.m. - The sun wasn't even quite up yet and I was the 3rd (!!!!) person to rack my bike. I was beyond estatic. I got the front end of the first rack, which meant my bike was easy to find and my T2 transition was super fast. I hung my bike by its seat and set my bag beside it and went inside to eat my breakfast.
6:30 a.m. - I went out and set up my transition station. I double checked the two gels I had taped onto my bike (I would be so glad I did this later on in the race), threw one towel over my bike and set the other on the ground, hung my helmet on my handlebars with my race belt and sunglasses tucked inside, and then set out my shoes with rolled up socks on top of them, my tri shirt, my spare water bottle, extra sunscreen, and my headband and necklace on the towel.
6:40 a.m. - From this time until 7:30 a.m. was the most painful part for me. I didn't know anyone else who was racing that day so I felt like an awkward middle schooler hanging around in the gym, so I just found a quiet corner and watched the water drip from the ceiling into the pool.
7:30 a.m. - I finally changed into my suit and jammers and got marked on both arms and legs. After a layer of sunscreen, I put my sweats back on and checked my transition station one last time.
7:55 a.m. - Timing chip clipped on. I thought that they would be annoying and awkward, but I didn't even realize that I was wearing one, which I was thankful for.
8:00 a.m. - Pre-race meeting. I think I heard about 10 words that the race director said (Sorry, Brock!) because I was too busy looking around at all the different layers of outfits that people were wearing and how skinny (and not skinny) some of the competitors were.
8:35 a.m. - Race begins. I was #55, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing the pool for a bit. I talked with some really awesome friends and got my picture taken with them because Allison had even made a sweet shirt, and after a final application of carmex, I grabbed my swimming gear and headed to the pool.
8:50 a.m. (From this point on, I had no idea what time it was) - I did a warm up of about 6 short laps in the deep end of the pool and was feeling pretty good. Not many nerves and I had finally stopped shaking. I watched a bunch of swimmers do their thing and then they called my number.
The Swim - I was nervous about the swim from the start. During the practice run on Tuesday, I completely panicked and lost all sense of form and there was no evidence of the training lessons that I had been participating in. I was in the far lane of Lane 6, which meant I was up against the wall part of the time and the deep end the other part. I just kept telling myself that I just had to get through 20 lengths and the rest would be easy. I stopped once to adjust my swim cap, but other than that, I swam the whole time and was happy to hop out of the water. (12:11 was my swim time)
T1 - My first transition was near flawless. My socks and shoes went on without a flaw and I even managed to wrangle my shirt without a struggle. I was glad a friend loaned me a race belt so I didn't have to deal with safety pins. Since it was a smaller race and the swim was a rolling start, the rack area was not nearly as congested as I expected it to be which made life a lot easier. I waved to my audience and headed out. (1:28)
The Bike - I was so glad that I had taped two gel packs to my bike. I ate a decent breakfast at 6:15ish but then I spaced off eating my second banana because I was so nervous. I settled into a good gear and once I got up some speed and had strapped my feet in (I rode in just my running shoes and used the straps on my pedals) I downed a gel and felt quite a bit better. I knew going out that there were two overpasses at the beginning and then a fairly level area with two decent hills before the turn around. I passed a few people on the way out, but everyone was struggling against the headwind. At the turn around point, I didn't know what to expect because there have been a few rides where I thought I was in a headwind and then when I turned, was proven wrong, but I lucked out. I flew through the second half and it was probably my fastest split ever. On the last half mile, I downed another gel just for good measure, which was really fairly silly as it was a fairly short race, but then I stretched out my calves and hamstrings and discovered that my toes were super cold (from wet socks and shoes and lots of wind) and that did not do me any favors getting off the bike and heading out on the run. (50:09)
T2 - The best part about waking up super early and leaving your kickstand on your bike? Your T2 is crazy short! I slid my bike into place, wiggled my toes while unclipping my helmet and grabbed my headband and tri necklace on the way. (0:19)
The Run - Heading out for the run was my "Dude! I'm really going to finish this!" moment. I didn't want to burn out 100 yards from the end so I took a comfortable pace and focused my efforts on encouraging everyone that I met on the route. Some were hardened tri-vets who looked at my like I was nuts but there were also people like me who were loving every minute of it. When I rounded that last corner and gave what I had left, the grin that I had been wearing the whole race just took over. I may not have run my fastest time, but I hadn't walked a step! (31:37)
The Finish - Crossing the finish line and seeing the faces of all of the people who had come just to sit and watch my bike and run by for a few seconds over the course of 2 hours, was beyond humbling. I smiled and danced and laughed myself silly.
The Aftermath - After my husband helped me load up my transition station, I showered and waited around for awards. I didn't expect anything, but I figured it was the polite thing to do. In my head I had it figured that I came pretty close to 1:45, which was what I had set as my ultimate fastest time possible goal, and I knew that I had passed one girl on the bike that was in my age division so I knew that I was not last. While they were announcing the top three finishers in each age division, my swimming coach and all around fantastic mentor came jogging over to me.
"I've been looking everywhere for you. I wanted to be the one to show you."
And there was my name. Beside a "4." A 4? I turned my head into her shoulder and finally cried. With a time of 1:35:46, I placed 4th in my age division and 10th of out the women. I am a triathlete. And I can tell you every tear, drop of sweat, sore muscle, sunburn, dollar, bruise, and dirty dish was worth it.
I'm doing things I never thought I could do.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Stop. Just watch a minute.
So, this past week has been a nut house. I've been leaving my house at 6:00 a.m. and not getting back home until 9:00 or 10:00 p.m. By the time this week is through, I will have survived a few tornadoes, and lot of rain/hail, planned and executed a Wednesday night supper as a youth group fundraiser, taught 5 zumba classes in four days, spent 7 hours training for the triathlon next week, worked 42 hours, had several intense theological discussions, played board games with some people, and chose not to deal with my stanky workout clothes or dishes that are piling up. I feel like I have been two steps behind in everything and I've had a severe case of "the stupid" which has affected my job as well as my home life.
Today, I was on empty. I was counting down the hours until I would finally walk into my house and be able to fall into my own bed. I was cranky and frazzled looking all day and after a bike ride, a zumba class, a full day of work,as well as a supper in a hot kitchen with a the youth group making baked potatoes, the last thing I wanted to do was go teach another Zumba class. But, I had agreed to help out a friend and serve as the program for her women's group and I felt like it was definitely too last minute to back out. I showed up, did my thing, and afterwards when we were enjoying our fruit and crackers, I saw something that made my world stop.
Sitting at the table on the other side of the room, there was this woman, I don't know her name so will will call her Lily. Lily looked to be about 70, was in a wheelchair with well wore moccasins on her feet and long, beautiful fingernails graced the end of hands that were cramped and disfigured with some sort of illness. She spoke softly and had a gentle smile, but it wasn't just her that caught my attention, there was someone with her. We'll call him Stan. (because again, I didn't even catch his name). Stan is maybe in his 30's. He's seemed a little rough around the edges and looked like he had worked hard all day. Here he was spending his evening with a group of women to care for Lily. Bless his heart, he even Zumbaed with us. Now, I don't know if Stan and Lily are related, but watching him get her a water and a plate of fruit was maybe this most meaningful thing I have seen in a long time. He served her with a smile and whisper and took care of her by getting a fork for her banana and a straw for her water because she couldn't grip the glass. Never once did he sigh in exasperation on his 14 trips to and from the kitchen and after she was settled, he sat next to her and quietly ate his fruit, sharing some of what he got with her, if she looked at crosswise at what was on his plate.
This past week has been a whirlwind for me, but this brief moment, these series of intimate and loving interactions between two people who had no idea I was looking, slapped me to a halt. I have spent the past 48 hours bemoaning the fact that I had so much to do and blah-de-blah-de-blah that I had completely lost the reason for why I am living the way that I do. I had gotten so caught up in the busy-ness and the frantic-ness that was this week, that I completely forgot about the One that I was doing it all for.
The world is in desperate need of more people like Stan. People who are willing to serve without a sigh of frustration, people who will love unconditionally no matter what the hardship or struggle in front of them, people who are willing to serve day in and day out without looking around all the time to make sure someone is watching and seeing the good that they are doing. So, Stan, where ever you are, here is my one person standing ovation for you. Here is my thank you note to you, a tired looking man just trying to make an old lady happy. Thank you. Thank you for making me stop, and for just one moment, watch and think about someone else for five minutes. My perspective has been rightfully corrected because of you. Thank you for putting me in my place with nothing but a smile.
Today, I was on empty. I was counting down the hours until I would finally walk into my house and be able to fall into my own bed. I was cranky and frazzled looking all day and after a bike ride, a zumba class, a full day of work,as well as a supper in a hot kitchen with a the youth group making baked potatoes, the last thing I wanted to do was go teach another Zumba class. But, I had agreed to help out a friend and serve as the program for her women's group and I felt like it was definitely too last minute to back out. I showed up, did my thing, and afterwards when we were enjoying our fruit and crackers, I saw something that made my world stop.
Sitting at the table on the other side of the room, there was this woman, I don't know her name so will will call her Lily. Lily looked to be about 70, was in a wheelchair with well wore moccasins on her feet and long, beautiful fingernails graced the end of hands that were cramped and disfigured with some sort of illness. She spoke softly and had a gentle smile, but it wasn't just her that caught my attention, there was someone with her. We'll call him Stan. (because again, I didn't even catch his name). Stan is maybe in his 30's. He's seemed a little rough around the edges and looked like he had worked hard all day. Here he was spending his evening with a group of women to care for Lily. Bless his heart, he even Zumbaed with us. Now, I don't know if Stan and Lily are related, but watching him get her a water and a plate of fruit was maybe this most meaningful thing I have seen in a long time. He served her with a smile and whisper and took care of her by getting a fork for her banana and a straw for her water because she couldn't grip the glass. Never once did he sigh in exasperation on his 14 trips to and from the kitchen and after she was settled, he sat next to her and quietly ate his fruit, sharing some of what he got with her, if she looked at crosswise at what was on his plate.
This past week has been a whirlwind for me, but this brief moment, these series of intimate and loving interactions between two people who had no idea I was looking, slapped me to a halt. I have spent the past 48 hours bemoaning the fact that I had so much to do and blah-de-blah-de-blah that I had completely lost the reason for why I am living the way that I do. I had gotten so caught up in the busy-ness and the frantic-ness that was this week, that I completely forgot about the One that I was doing it all for.
The world is in desperate need of more people like Stan. People who are willing to serve without a sigh of frustration, people who will love unconditionally no matter what the hardship or struggle in front of them, people who are willing to serve day in and day out without looking around all the time to make sure someone is watching and seeing the good that they are doing. So, Stan, where ever you are, here is my one person standing ovation for you. Here is my thank you note to you, a tired looking man just trying to make an old lady happy. Thank you. Thank you for making me stop, and for just one moment, watch and think about someone else for five minutes. My perspective has been rightfully corrected because of you. Thank you for putting me in my place with nothing but a smile.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Working Fitness Goal List
- Do a pull up
- Do 5 pull ups in a set
- Do 10 pull ups in a set
- Run 5k at a 12:00 pace
- Run 5k at an 11:00 pace
- Run 5k at a 10:00 pace
- Run 5k at a 9:00 pace
- Run a 10k
- Run a half marathon
- Run a full marathon
- Compete in a triathlon and not come in last
-Compete in an Olympic Distance Triathlon and not come in last
- Learn to not suck at swimming
- Swim 500m in less than 20:00
- Swim 500m in less than 15:00
- Swim 500m in less than 14:00
- Swim 500m in less than 13:00
- Swim 500m in less than 12:00
- Swim 500m in less than 11:00
- Lose 10 lbs
- Lose 20 lbs
- Lose 30 lbs
- Lose 40 lbs
- Lose 50 lbs
- Lose 60 lbs
- Reach goal weight
- Maintain goal weight for 6 months
- Maintain goal weight for 1 year
- Maintain goal weight for life.
- Do 5 pull ups in a set
- Do 10 pull ups in a set
- Run 5k at a 9:00 pace
-Compete in an Olympic Distance Triathlon and not come in last
- Swim 500m in less than 11:00
- Lose 50 lbs
- Lose 60 lbs
- Reach goal weight
- Maintain goal weight for 6 months
- Maintain goal weight for 1 year
- Maintain goal weight for life.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
3 x 5 Fitness
So, I have become a Pintrest addict. Let's be honest. Most of us have. One of my most favorite finds includes all the little workout pins. I think they are great, but I don't take my laptop to the gym with me. What to do? What to do?
I combined my love of Pintrest workouts with my love of index cards and typed up 27 different workouts (primarily strength training and treadmill) and have printed them out, put them on fun colored paper, and now I have a little key ring full of workouts for when I'm looking to change it up.
Print out your copy here!
Enjoy!
I combined my love of Pintrest workouts with my love of index cards and typed up 27 different workouts (primarily strength training and treadmill) and have printed them out, put them on fun colored paper, and now I have a little key ring full of workouts for when I'm looking to change it up.
Print out your copy here!
Enjoy!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Why am I getting healthy?
So, maybe I'm just imagining things, but sometimes when I tell people about my latest swimming accomplishment (I swam 1,000 meters the other day without dying and I was so excited) or how I now get a stomach ache when I drink half a can of Coke, I feel like people give me a strange look and judge me a bit.
I know I shouldn't care what they think, but the part of me that has been fighting for the past 13 months (and frankly most of past 10 years) wants to yell back at them for judging me for trying to get healthy. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not on a diet. I'm not workng out for 8 hours a day. I will NOT start a "thinspration" board on pintrest full of skinny girls in their underwear.
I'm doing this...
...so I don't feel sick all the time.
...so I don't feel sluggish and greasy all the time.
...so I can feel radiant in the morning after a difficult run.
...so I can walk crooked and sit funny after a long bike ride.
...so I can learn a new skill and practice until I'm good at it.
...so I can look smashing in a swim cap.
...so I can make my husband proud.
...so my parents can have a happy daughter.
...so I can decrease my chance of so many diseases.
...so I can break the addiction to the cancer causing foods that I have been putting into my body.
...so I can try on clothes and not end up in a puddle of tears.
...because I started and I don't want to quit again.
...so I can prove you wrong.
...so I can set an example to everyone out there that you can do this.
...so I can be a BEAST!
...so I can get a number drawn on my leg and my arm in permanent marker and feel like I deserve to be there.
...so I can stand bare butt naked in front of a mirror and NOT look perfect, but be able to see the work and the sweat and the tears and the time that I have put into loving myself and making a change for a the better.
So, deep down inside, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't doing this for you. Part of me is. Part of me is doing it to prove some of you wrong and prove the rest of you right. I want to smash it in some people's faces when I finish my first triathlon in April. But I also want to receive the hugs and smiles that will be waiting for me at the finish line along with all of the people that have supported me and kept me going even when I wanted to give up on myself.
But part of me is also doing this for me. So even though I'm not perfect and you may not think that I'm doing it for the right reasons or that I'll just mess it up some way or give up again, frankly my dear, I don't give a ****. I run with a smile on my face, I cry on my bicycle and I swim with focus that I have never had in my entire life and I love me and love my life more now than any other moment in my existance.
To the haters, keep on hating.
To the supporters, thank you so much for loving me in spite of my own self image and never letting me lose hope when I back slide.
To myself, 99 days until put on that swimsuit, set up your gear, and do it. Stay focused. Feed your body the food that it needs and give it the workouts that it craves. Don't think your goals are unacheivable. You got this.
I know I shouldn't care what they think, but the part of me that has been fighting for the past 13 months (and frankly most of past 10 years) wants to yell back at them for judging me for trying to get healthy. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not on a diet. I'm not workng out for 8 hours a day. I will NOT start a "thinspration" board on pintrest full of skinny girls in their underwear.
I'm doing this...
...so I don't feel sick all the time.
...so I don't feel sluggish and greasy all the time.
...so I can feel radiant in the morning after a difficult run.
...so I can walk crooked and sit funny after a long bike ride.
...so I can learn a new skill and practice until I'm good at it.
...so I can look smashing in a swim cap.
...so I can make my husband proud.
...so my parents can have a happy daughter.
...so I can decrease my chance of so many diseases.
...so I can break the addiction to the cancer causing foods that I have been putting into my body.
...so I can try on clothes and not end up in a puddle of tears.
...because I started and I don't want to quit again.
...so I can prove you wrong.
...so I can set an example to everyone out there that you can do this.
...so I can be a BEAST!
...so I can get a number drawn on my leg and my arm in permanent marker and feel like I deserve to be there.
...so I can stand bare butt naked in front of a mirror and NOT look perfect, but be able to see the work and the sweat and the tears and the time that I have put into loving myself and making a change for a the better.
So, deep down inside, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't doing this for you. Part of me is. Part of me is doing it to prove some of you wrong and prove the rest of you right. I want to smash it in some people's faces when I finish my first triathlon in April. But I also want to receive the hugs and smiles that will be waiting for me at the finish line along with all of the people that have supported me and kept me going even when I wanted to give up on myself.
But part of me is also doing this for me. So even though I'm not perfect and you may not think that I'm doing it for the right reasons or that I'll just mess it up some way or give up again, frankly my dear, I don't give a ****. I run with a smile on my face, I cry on my bicycle and I swim with focus that I have never had in my entire life and I love me and love my life more now than any other moment in my existance.
To the haters, keep on hating.
To the supporters, thank you so much for loving me in spite of my own self image and never letting me lose hope when I back slide.
To myself, 99 days until put on that swimsuit, set up your gear, and do it. Stay focused. Feed your body the food that it needs and give it the workouts that it craves. Don't think your goals are unacheivable. You got this.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012 Things to do
1. Participate (and not come in last) at the James O'Rourke Triathlon.
2. Read the whole Bible. .
3. Pay off my student loans...6 years early. What what!
4. Redo our living room and kitchen and finally finish the two bathrooms that we have started.
5. Decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. And to remember that my job does not determine my self worth.
6. Make 10 new friends.
7. Craft beautiful things.
8. Learn how to landscape my front yard.
9. Love my husband more and more everyday.
10. Continue to become the woman of God that He designed me to be.
2. Read the whole Bible. .
3. Pay off my student loans...6 years early. What what!
4. Redo our living room and kitchen and finally finish the two bathrooms that we have started.
5. Decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. And to remember that my job does not determine my self worth.
6. Make 10 new friends.
7. Craft beautiful things.
8. Learn how to landscape my front yard.
9. Love my husband more and more everyday.
10. Continue to become the woman of God that He designed me to be.
Monday, December 19, 2011
New Year's Resolutions - How did I do?
Last New Year's Eve I set some goals/resolutions that I wanted to acheive this year. Here's how I did:
1. Finally get healthy. - I am going to vote this one a thumbs up. I have lost 40 lbs thus far and have grown so much when it comes to know what I need to be doing to be a healthier person. It is still a struggle everday to get up and get to the gym, but Zumba makes life a lot easier...now if I could just get a chef to come cook delicious, healthy foods for me, I would have this down!
2. Read 52 books by December 31, 2011. - Epic failure. I think I only made it half way through this goal. I was pretty on track until we bought a house and went on three very busy trips this summer and then I started back to full time work.
3. Create a loving and nurturing and drama free environment in my home. - This is an ever constant work in progress. I have learned a lot about Sam and I over the last 365 days and our relationship continues to be a loving journey with a few bumps in the road. He is continuing to learn that sometimes I just need a hug and I am continuing to learn that sometimes he's not mad at me, he is mad at the situation. I still can't keep my house as clean as I would like, but that comes with the territory of working full time and choosing to spend my evenings with my husband and my friends instead of doing dishes and scrubbing the floors.
4. Be open to what God is trying to tell me and quit fighting Him. - This was really difficult for me. In June I went to Puerto Rico hoping for something big to happen and boy, did it. It wasn't an earth shattering, life changing single moment, but merely the start of a opportunity for a very dear friend that has led to more prayer and thought and tears than I ever thought possible. November brought the final culmination of it all, and starting on January 15, Sam and I will lead our Epicenter Youth Group without our very dear friend. While out driving the other day, I saw a church sign that said "Don't ask God to move you if you aren't willing to pick up your feet." Well, its time for me to pick up my feet.
5. Try to love everyone with intensity and passion so that they may know God's love through me for as long as our paths cross. Some people are only in our lives for a short period of time, and I want to impact everyone in the best possible way. - Without going into too much detail, this resolution has changed and is continuing to change my life.
So, there are my goals for the next 361 days. I'll try to keep an updated list of my books and how things are going. Thanks!
1. Finally get healthy. - I am going to vote this one a thumbs up. I have lost 40 lbs thus far and have grown so much when it comes to know what I need to be doing to be a healthier person. It is still a struggle everday to get up and get to the gym, but Zumba makes life a lot easier...now if I could just get a chef to come cook delicious, healthy foods for me, I would have this down!
2. Read 52 books by December 31, 2011. - Epic failure. I think I only made it half way through this goal. I was pretty on track until we bought a house and went on three very busy trips this summer and then I started back to full time work.
3. Create a loving and nurturing and drama free environment in my home. - This is an ever constant work in progress. I have learned a lot about Sam and I over the last 365 days and our relationship continues to be a loving journey with a few bumps in the road. He is continuing to learn that sometimes I just need a hug and I am continuing to learn that sometimes he's not mad at me, he is mad at the situation. I still can't keep my house as clean as I would like, but that comes with the territory of working full time and choosing to spend my evenings with my husband and my friends instead of doing dishes and scrubbing the floors.
4. Be open to what God is trying to tell me and quit fighting Him. - This was really difficult for me. In June I went to Puerto Rico hoping for something big to happen and boy, did it. It wasn't an earth shattering, life changing single moment, but merely the start of a opportunity for a very dear friend that has led to more prayer and thought and tears than I ever thought possible. November brought the final culmination of it all, and starting on January 15, Sam and I will lead our Epicenter Youth Group without our very dear friend. While out driving the other day, I saw a church sign that said "Don't ask God to move you if you aren't willing to pick up your feet." Well, its time for me to pick up my feet.
5. Try to love everyone with intensity and passion so that they may know God's love through me for as long as our paths cross. Some people are only in our lives for a short period of time, and I want to impact everyone in the best possible way. - Without going into too much detail, this resolution has changed and is continuing to change my life.
So, there are my goals for the next 361 days. I'll try to keep an updated list of my books and how things are going. Thanks!
Friday, October 7, 2011
A mermaid or a whale?: What life is like as a mer-whale.
Recently, a picture (of a beautiful woman, who is also naked, so you will not see it pictured here) has been floating around facebook with this story underneath:
"A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist. But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends. We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies. We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated. Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn) Feel free to tag yourselves :)"
Ummmm....what if I am a mer-whale?
I realize that there is a severely perverse body image problem in the world and this letter makes a very good argument at what appears to be a very insensitive advertisement, but I don't feel like I can condone being a "whale." As shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Dance Your A** Off, and other shows continue to have great popularity week after week, it brings to light all of the problems that obesity brings. I know that we should not be forcing girls into the unhealthy image that we all need to skinny and look like a stick bug, but I don't feel like we should be complacent and just let women increase their risk of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and stroke while decreasing their life expentency, and in quite a few cases, their ability to conceive children.
Most of you (friends and facebook "creepers" alike) have been keeping up with me on my wieght loss journey over the past 9 months. I started out weighing 213.5 lb on January 1st, 2011 and this morning, when I stepped on the scale it said 174.8. I've lost an average of 4.5 lbs a month and (not to sound self righteous) I'm not starving myself. I'm not working out 40 hours a week. I'm just doing things the best way I know how. I food journal as I am able, I exercize 3-5 times a week, and I cheat every now and again (sorry, but anyone who can give up Coke, chocolate, french fies and delivery pizza all at the same time is not living) I know that I will never be skinny girl but that does not I am given a free pass to let myself be unhealthy. I feel like I am nearing the point where I don't have a whole lot left to lose, but that doesn't mean that I should revert back to my old habits of burgers and ice cream. If I have learned one thing over the course of my wieght struggles, it's that pills, shakes, diets, cleanses, and the like are just temporary (and sometimes dangerous) fixes that never last. A healthy lifestyle isn't supposed to last 2 weeks or 90 days. A lifestyle is supposed to last your whole life!
When I started this whole journey, it was about a game. It was about a 12 week challenge to try and drop as much weight as possible and win a few prizes from our local radio station. Now its about staying healthy, eating food that is good for me, and living a life with my husband that I once never thought possible. I'm sure most of you know this, but I'll inform you anyway. I think my husband is a hunk. He's tall and strong looking with broad shoulders and legs that show off his 20 year soccer career. When Sam and I first started dating, I felt like other girls looked at us and thought "What is he doing with her?" Now, when I walk into a room with the love of my life, I feel like people think "Wow. What a beautiful couple." After getting married, I spent many a conversation with close friends about my fear of fertility problems. Now, after dropping several points off of my BMI, I have increased my ability to concieve, while decreasing my risk of infertility, anovulation (a period without an egg), miscarraige, and polycistic ovarian syndrome.
Weight and size aren't everything, but loving your body is. Treating it with respect is. Living life to the fullest and appreciating the beautiful structure that God gave me to live in is.
This isn't a blog to scare women into being thin. This isn't a blog disrepecting my body or any of the bodies of my friends who are all beautiful and wonderful creations of the Father that loves us so very much. This blog is a call to the end of complacently because you think things can't change. They can. This blog is to promote awareness that you can be overwieght and still healthy (I out-Zumbaed a lot of "skinny-chicks" in my certification class and I can run and stretch a lot better as a size 12 than some of the size 2 people that I know).
What this blog is about is respecting yourself, forgetting the number on the scale or inside your waistsband, and remembering what it felt like as a child to ride your bike around the block without getting winded. To learn what your body feels like after a yummy and healthy meal. And to experience the crazy glow after a good workout.
Don't let the proverbial "man" get you down about your wieght or your size, but don't be afraid to take that first step towards a healthy life. Taking a walk isn't giving in to society's strange rules on body image, it's giving you a way to make yourself healthier.
Women are crazy strong creatures who also have the amazing ability to comfort and uplift each other. So talk to me, talk to a friend, a counselor, a personal trainer, and start your lifestyle today.
So, whether you are a "mermaid or a whale," a 2 or a 22, get healthy. Grow in God and learn to love yourself where ever you are on your journey and don't be afraid to take that first step.
Love,
Your dear friend and constant encourager
"A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist. But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends. We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies. We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated. Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn) Feel free to tag yourselves :)"
Ummmm....what if I am a mer-whale?
I realize that there is a severely perverse body image problem in the world and this letter makes a very good argument at what appears to be a very insensitive advertisement, but I don't feel like I can condone being a "whale." As shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Dance Your A** Off, and other shows continue to have great popularity week after week, it brings to light all of the problems that obesity brings. I know that we should not be forcing girls into the unhealthy image that we all need to skinny and look like a stick bug, but I don't feel like we should be complacent and just let women increase their risk of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and stroke while decreasing their life expentency, and in quite a few cases, their ability to conceive children.
Most of you (friends and facebook "creepers" alike) have been keeping up with me on my wieght loss journey over the past 9 months. I started out weighing 213.5 lb on January 1st, 2011 and this morning, when I stepped on the scale it said 174.8. I've lost an average of 4.5 lbs a month and (not to sound self righteous) I'm not starving myself. I'm not working out 40 hours a week. I'm just doing things the best way I know how. I food journal as I am able, I exercize 3-5 times a week, and I cheat every now and again (sorry, but anyone who can give up Coke, chocolate, french fies and delivery pizza all at the same time is not living) I know that I will never be skinny girl but that does not I am given a free pass to let myself be unhealthy. I feel like I am nearing the point where I don't have a whole lot left to lose, but that doesn't mean that I should revert back to my old habits of burgers and ice cream. If I have learned one thing over the course of my wieght struggles, it's that pills, shakes, diets, cleanses, and the like are just temporary (and sometimes dangerous) fixes that never last. A healthy lifestyle isn't supposed to last 2 weeks or 90 days. A lifestyle is supposed to last your whole life!
When I started this whole journey, it was about a game. It was about a 12 week challenge to try and drop as much weight as possible and win a few prizes from our local radio station. Now its about staying healthy, eating food that is good for me, and living a life with my husband that I once never thought possible. I'm sure most of you know this, but I'll inform you anyway. I think my husband is a hunk. He's tall and strong looking with broad shoulders and legs that show off his 20 year soccer career. When Sam and I first started dating, I felt like other girls looked at us and thought "What is he doing with her?" Now, when I walk into a room with the love of my life, I feel like people think "Wow. What a beautiful couple." After getting married, I spent many a conversation with close friends about my fear of fertility problems. Now, after dropping several points off of my BMI, I have increased my ability to concieve, while decreasing my risk of infertility, anovulation (a period without an egg), miscarraige, and polycistic ovarian syndrome.
Weight and size aren't everything, but loving your body is. Treating it with respect is. Living life to the fullest and appreciating the beautiful structure that God gave me to live in is.
This isn't a blog to scare women into being thin. This isn't a blog disrepecting my body or any of the bodies of my friends who are all beautiful and wonderful creations of the Father that loves us so very much. This blog is a call to the end of complacently because you think things can't change. They can. This blog is to promote awareness that you can be overwieght and still healthy (I out-Zumbaed a lot of "skinny-chicks" in my certification class and I can run and stretch a lot better as a size 12 than some of the size 2 people that I know).
What this blog is about is respecting yourself, forgetting the number on the scale or inside your waistsband, and remembering what it felt like as a child to ride your bike around the block without getting winded. To learn what your body feels like after a yummy and healthy meal. And to experience the crazy glow after a good workout.
Don't let the proverbial "man" get you down about your wieght or your size, but don't be afraid to take that first step towards a healthy life. Taking a walk isn't giving in to society's strange rules on body image, it's giving you a way to make yourself healthier.
Women are crazy strong creatures who also have the amazing ability to comfort and uplift each other. So talk to me, talk to a friend, a counselor, a personal trainer, and start your lifestyle today.
So, whether you are a "mermaid or a whale," a 2 or a 22, get healthy. Grow in God and learn to love yourself where ever you are on your journey and don't be afraid to take that first step.
Love,
Your dear friend and constant encourager
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Where was I?
Ten years ago I was a sophomore in high school, sitting in journalism class. Life was scary because I had papers due, I didn't have many friends, and I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I am sitting in the home that I own with my husband that we were only able to afford because someone couldn't anymore because of the recession, and life is scary because those who "run" our country won't quit fighting, the media swings the vote instead of letting people know the true issues at hand, more people are living without jobs, more people are hungry, more people are bullied for what they believe, ways they act, and who they are. Life is scary because friends are fighting a never ending war against terrorists, cancer, against grief and loss and disease since 9-11-01, and against unseen dark forces that move in our world. Please, God, let peace start now.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A thousand beautiful things: The beginning
So, another beginning in my life. Another journey. This one towards more joy and less stress. More peace and less whining.
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| #1. The telephone nook in our home with pictures and memories of Sam and I and shells I have collected from the falls in Joplin. |
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| #2. A hard worker who happens to look adorable in a baseball cap. |
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| #3. A cat who loves crafting just as much as I do. |
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| #4. Tie-dyed hands after a night spent teaching a friend. |
Monday, September 5, 2011
Stolen from a friend who stole it from someone else.
One of my dearest and bestest friends in the world has taught me so much. She has helped me through rough patches in my marriage, talked me down from countless anxiety attacks, taught me cooking secrets, and has joined me on a plethora of crafting adventures. This summer she started a series entitled "A Thousand Beautiful Things."
At first, I kind of laughed at her an thought to myself "A thousand things? In this world? Probably not." I kind of stuck with this mentality until last night at youth group.
For our fall schedule, we are walking the kids through the fruit of the Spirit. Sam and Greg and I talked with them last night about what fruit they thought was the easiest for them and what they thought was the hardest. As I sat there pondering their answers, I couldn't help but realize that I try really hard to be gentle and kind and I try to exhibit some semblance of self- control, but when it comes to joy and peace, I tend to run in the opposite direction. Maybe, if I start focusing on the beauty that does truly exist in this world (yes, even in North Platte), maybe I will find some peace in my life and learn to feel joy in a way that I have ignored for so long.
At first, I kind of laughed at her an thought to myself "A thousand things? In this world? Probably not." I kind of stuck with this mentality until last night at youth group.
For our fall schedule, we are walking the kids through the fruit of the Spirit. Sam and Greg and I talked with them last night about what fruit they thought was the easiest for them and what they thought was the hardest. As I sat there pondering their answers, I couldn't help but realize that I try really hard to be gentle and kind and I try to exhibit some semblance of self- control, but when it comes to joy and peace, I tend to run in the opposite direction. Maybe, if I start focusing on the beauty that does truly exist in this world (yes, even in North Platte), maybe I will find some peace in my life and learn to feel joy in a way that I have ignored for so long.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Five Sermons that Changed Everything
I don’t believe myself to be anyone out of the ordinary when I say that when I was little I didn’t listen to the sermons. I was either sent down to Children’s Church or too busy working on my children’s bulletin to be bothered by what the old guy in the pulpit was saying. Through my teen years, I spent a fair amount of time in the nursery helping out and when I was a church camp, I would spend my time doodling the name of the flavor of the week at camp that all of the girls had their eye on. Even when I got to college, it was hard to focus in on what the pastor was saying. I floated from church to church, not really feeling like I belonged and then when I finally did find a church that I liked, I decided I much rather liked spending my time keeping the DK girls entertained. When I wasn’t entertaining them, I normally spent the sermon fretting and stewing over the next choir concert or theatre production or my lack of any sort of a future mate or a issue that my friend was having.
My ears where completely shut off. When I worked at the BHP, the closest church was 20 minutes away and I had to be at the box office by 11am so it just didn’t work and when I was on tour, we normally traveled 5 to 6 hours on Sunday so we didn’t go to church very often, and when we did, I was too busy acting the part of the fun little director that had just led all of their children in a wonderful production. After a year of almost no church, I moved back home and going back to church felt like I was resurfacing after a deep dive underwater. I could breathe again. With aching lungs, I yearned to breathe in more and more of what was going on around me theologically and in ministry.
Since my return to North Platte, I have learned to listen to sermons. Given, my mind still wanders from time to time, but I do listen. And in the course of listening, my life has been changed. My faith box has been flipped upside down and I’ve spent the past two years of my life sorting and sifting through everything in there. I've picked up every piece and examined it. Determined if it was worth keeping or throwing away. Over the course of my self examination, I have read different books, talked to different people, and continued to listen. But this entry isn't a review on Love Wins and its not a test in freshmen Intro to Christianity. This entry is about the five specific sermons that I remember more than any of the rest, and will carry with me through the rest of my life.
1. Significance v. Success - Greg Mamula on Graduation Sunday 2010 - I’ve mentioned this sermon in a previous post but it definitely deserves mentioning again. His opening story (because almost every good pastor opens with a story of some sort) told about how, when he was younger and growing up on the upper east coast, he and his friends would enjoy taking a walk through the cemetery to look at all the old graves. He said it was interesting to calculate at how long people had lived in the 1800's and what people had chosen to have put on their headstones. Greg wanted to have something put on his about how he was the greatest baseball player ever. Greg then went on to talk about Simon Peter and the choice he had to make as a fisherman. Does he stay and continue to lead a life as a successful fisherman or does he choose to lead a life of significance by throwing down his nets and following Jesus?
This sermon impacted me because I was at a time in my life where I was very frustrated with this town and all the political ramifications it holds. Did I want to continue to live my life of success or was I ready to put it all aside and choose the less popular decision to live a life of significance? This sermon was my do or die moment when it came to my faith, and I haven't looked back since. A lot of my decisions have not been popular, and I'm sure a lot a my critics would laugh at some of the choices that I have made, but I'm trying to live significantly, and I really don't have time for the success of this world.
2. You are a Masterpiece - Greg Mamula on closing night of Mid-High I 2010 at Camp Moses Merrill - As we had less than 20 campers there that week and as they all professed to have given their hearts to Jesus, instead of the usual closing night sermon of “God loves you and wants to save you from the sin you are living in so lets all bow our heads together and pray and you can raise your hands if you want someone to pray with you” bit, Greg opted for something a little bit different. He gave them each a piece of paper and some crayons and told them to create. And while they created, he spoke. He chose to tell these 6th, 7th, and 8th grade boys and girls that they are wonderfully and beautifully made and the God of all creation is delighted in them. We watched a video at the end from the Skit Guys that depicted God “chiseling” away all of our imperfections. It hurts, and it can be hard to let go of pride and jealousy and selfishness, but if you give God the hammer and chisel, he’ll turn you into a beautiful masterpiece.
This sermon hit hard after a long week of spending time with campers, dealing with friends who were struggling in their marriage, and working through an internal debate about who I truly believed God to be and what his plans were for me. I’ve been overweight for most of my life and spent the better part of 22 years as a single girl. I had the same self esteem that I did in 4th grade when everyone had spice girl CDs and blue and purple shiny, puffy coats and I was listening to Kim Boyce on a tape cassette walkman. I had never been popular, well liked, or very attractive. Could God really find me beautiful even when the world didn’t always share his opinion?
3. Strange Waters - Tom Wiles sometime in early spring 2011 at First Baptist Church, North Platte - The most vivid thing I remember about this sermon was that Tom told a joke how some guy always knew how to find his favorite fishing spot because when he found where the fish were biting, he’d take a piece of chalk, lean out of the side of the boat, and draw a big “X” on the side so he would know where to come back to the next time he went fishing. Super entertaining joke, but the main point of the message talked about how we need to pray to go to strange waters. We spend so much time floating around in the same tiny circle, we forget that there is a lot more ocean out there. Instead of sitting around, being complacent, and not moving, we should be praying that God leads us into strange waters so that we can grow. So that we change and be stretched in our faith. So that we can reach outside of our tiny little bubble that we live in and help someone.
I have really been struggling through whether or not I’m supposed to go in to ministry full time or if I’m supposed to just continue being an active layperson in my church. I mean, seriously, there is need for every kind of person in the church and just because I'm not (or you're not) a senior pastor at a mega church does not mean that you do not have a place as a servant in God's kingdom. This sermon helped me realize that at this point in time it doesn’t really matter whether I’ve made up my mind about joining the ministry professionally or not, what matters is that I look for and strive towards strange waters. It matters that I go to Puerto Rico to learn more about my faith. It matters that I go to Joplin to work along side my husband and our family to try and alleviate some of the anguish and the struggle that some people are facing down there. It matters that I go to St. Louis to spend a week with some of the most beautiful children I have ever interacted with and show them the love of Christ. It matters that I go to youth group and develop relationships with “my girls” and attempt to play ultimate frisbee with the boys. It matters that I sing. It matters that I create. It matters that I try and smile at everyone that I meet in hopes that their day might be made a little bit brighter by simply catching a smile from a stranger.
Keep swimming, rowing, or whatever, towards those strange waters. You’ll never know what you will find there.
4. Survive, Thrive, Get Out Alive (Celebrate God’s Glory) - Dr. Carolyn Gordon during the Friday night worship session at the American Baptist International Biennial Convention in Puerto Rico, June 2011 - Dr. Gordon spoke to a massive crowd of American Baptists on the opening night of worship. She spoke of living in a spiritual desert. She spoke of how difficult it can be we you are feeling spiritually deprived. Beautifully, she told of the crocus and how it blossoms in the dessert in spite of not having any water and in spite of the severe lack of a possibility that it’s seeds will spread. I heard her talk about yearning for an oasis. How we need to learn to focus on the fact that even though we may walk through a really dry and difficult time in our faith journey, there is water and relief at the end. Its mundanely cliche to say, but rough difficult times often lead to times of wonderful blessing and fruition.
This was maybe the first time in my entire life where I felt like someone addressing a crowd was speaking directly to me. Almost a year before I left for Puerto Rico (and the night before Greg told me about the opportunity to audition) I had the most surreal dream that a very dear friend of mine and I were auditioning for something at our church and she wanted to sing "America" from West Side Story. The only problem was, she could only remember the opening line so we stood up on the stage and just sang "Puuuuueeerto Ricooooo" over and over and over again. Then, the night before my flight to Puerto Rico, I had another dream where that same friend and I were at a different church, and this time we were showing up to perform for the congregation. Since Greg and I auditioned, I had just had this feeling that something BIG was going to happen in Puerto Rico. I knew there was going to be some life changing moment when I was there. Some big hand coming out of the rain clouds and pointing in a certain direction while that God voice boomed from above saying "Do this. Go there. Serve here."...So I went to Puerto Rico. I went with a bursting heart and open ears and a mouth full of prayer in the hopes and the anticipation that something was going happen. And I got sunburned. Went to meetings. Bought souvenirs. Ate some amazing food. Spent some seriously meaningful time in conversation. And I worshiped with some 2,000 other Christians...but there was no big hand from the sky; no booming voice from the clouds. Not even a whisper in the deepest part of my soul.
Sitting in the audience that Friday night I was just lost. I had felt that I had been sitting on a sand dune in that stupid, proverbial desert for over a year with no end in sight. Even though I returned to North Platte with a smile on my face, telling everyone how wonderful it was (and believe me, it was a beyond amazing experience), I felt so defeated. But buried deep down in my defeat was a little seed of hope. Hope that Puerto Rico was the oasis that I needed and soon I would be past the desert and be free to blossom in the full glory of God's love. Currently, I am still feeling the heat, but I believe in my heart of hearts that it is getting cooler, and water is just on the horizon.
5. Your Reputation v. God’s Identity - Tom Wiles two weeks before our youth group left of St. Louis (July 2011) First Baptist Church, North Platte - In this sermon, Pastor Tom brought up lots of different people in lots of different situations, but his main point resounded in me just like Greg's sermon about significance vs. success. Tom talked about Joseph and how he chose to give up his reputation as a well known carpenter and a respectable part of Jewish society to take on God's identity for him as the husband of the woman that was carrying the Messiah. What would you have done?
This sermon came just as our youth group was making the final preparations to leave for our mission trip to St. Louis. And while the sermon hit home while I was sitting in the pew, it wasn't until later in the week that I really chewed on it. I was sitting upstairs at the Christian Activity Center in East St. Louis with my new BFF, nine-year-old Donjahnae, and she was braiding yarn into my hair. While she was weaving away she chatted about her home life and what she liked to do at school and how she had a fairly new baby brother. Another group was working there at the same time that we were and while they were not overly accommodating to our group, we tried to be friendly. So when they interrupted my salon session with Donjahnae and asked us all to come downstairs for a brief bible lesson, we obliged. The leader of the other group was a preacher who, if you ask me, didn't take his audience into account. That guy spent the better part of fifteen minutes telling those kids (most of whom come from households that live on a $6,000 a year income) to be grateful for what they have. You are telling these kids to be grateful? These kids. We snuck extra snacks into our lunch so that we could share them with these kids. We drove through their neighborhoods on our way to the center and saw the homes of these kids. We heard the stories of missing daddies and tired mommies from these kids. AND we caught some of the biggest smiles and received some of the warmest hugs from these kids. These kids have so little compared to all of the crap that we all have sitting around our home and yet the willingly open up their sweet little hearts every week to the random new volunteers that come in and say thank you when the drive away. These kids don't need a lesson in how to be grateful....Sorry. I digress. As I sat there in this crowded and stuffy room all I could do was tear up. Donjahnae turned around and looked me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes and whispered "Brittany. Why you cryin'?" And I looked down at her and the only thing I could tell her in response was, "Friend, I am crying because I love you so much and because the God that created you and I loves you even more than either one of us could imagine." She smiled back with a look of shock and awe that only a child can show, then she wiped a tear from her eye and snuggled closer to me.
I thought about my reputation and God's identity for me again and again that week. I thought about it every time I climbed the four flights of stairs to the small room that I shared with two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I thought about it when I Zumbaed with 20 campers from 6 different states. And I thought about it as I, the ever unpopular one, made friends with people that weren't even from our mission group or church. And I thought about it every night as Sam, Greg and I sat down with our youth group to debrief the day's events and pray together for each other, our mission sites, and those we had left at home.
My reputation or God's identity for me? If my reputation was what I left behind in North Platte and God's identity for me was this new life that I had discovered with Donjahnae, and the wonderful girls that I bonded with, and the boys from our youth group that I laughed with, and with my sweet boys from Louisiana (Oh Grayson, Kennay, Landon, and Brady!), is there really a choice in that?
I have been home for almost two weeks now, and in that time I have started a new job, worked on half a dozen craft projects, and my husband has ripped out all of the tile and some of the plaster in our upstairs bathroom and is replacing a window as we speak. A lot has happened and my mind has felt a little muddled. When that happens, I tend to lapse into "facebook thought." This normally happens during periods of high stress or after spending copious amounts of time on this forsaken social networking site. I sure you can laugh with me when I say that I sometimes sink into thinking thoughts that are only as long as a status update. So, if you have read all of this ridiculously long blog (or just skimmed through to the end just to see if I ever actually made a point) and still have no idea what I am talking about, then here it what it boils down to:
My job is just my job. But my purpose in life is to SERVE the Alpha and Omega, to LOVE everyone that I come into contact with, and to CREATE with passion because God has blessed me with so many beautiful things around me and with the ambition to share His works with others through any media possible.
--
-Brittany
My ears where completely shut off. When I worked at the BHP, the closest church was 20 minutes away and I had to be at the box office by 11am so it just didn’t work and when I was on tour, we normally traveled 5 to 6 hours on Sunday so we didn’t go to church very often, and when we did, I was too busy acting the part of the fun little director that had just led all of their children in a wonderful production. After a year of almost no church, I moved back home and going back to church felt like I was resurfacing after a deep dive underwater. I could breathe again. With aching lungs, I yearned to breathe in more and more of what was going on around me theologically and in ministry.
Since my return to North Platte, I have learned to listen to sermons. Given, my mind still wanders from time to time, but I do listen. And in the course of listening, my life has been changed. My faith box has been flipped upside down and I’ve spent the past two years of my life sorting and sifting through everything in there. I've picked up every piece and examined it. Determined if it was worth keeping or throwing away. Over the course of my self examination, I have read different books, talked to different people, and continued to listen. But this entry isn't a review on Love Wins and its not a test in freshmen Intro to Christianity. This entry is about the five specific sermons that I remember more than any of the rest, and will carry with me through the rest of my life.
1. Significance v. Success - Greg Mamula on Graduation Sunday 2010 - I’ve mentioned this sermon in a previous post but it definitely deserves mentioning again. His opening story (because almost every good pastor opens with a story of some sort) told about how, when he was younger and growing up on the upper east coast, he and his friends would enjoy taking a walk through the cemetery to look at all the old graves. He said it was interesting to calculate at how long people had lived in the 1800's and what people had chosen to have put on their headstones. Greg wanted to have something put on his about how he was the greatest baseball player ever. Greg then went on to talk about Simon Peter and the choice he had to make as a fisherman. Does he stay and continue to lead a life as a successful fisherman or does he choose to lead a life of significance by throwing down his nets and following Jesus?
This sermon impacted me because I was at a time in my life where I was very frustrated with this town and all the political ramifications it holds. Did I want to continue to live my life of success or was I ready to put it all aside and choose the less popular decision to live a life of significance? This sermon was my do or die moment when it came to my faith, and I haven't looked back since. A lot of my decisions have not been popular, and I'm sure a lot a my critics would laugh at some of the choices that I have made, but I'm trying to live significantly, and I really don't have time for the success of this world.
2. You are a Masterpiece - Greg Mamula on closing night of Mid-High I 2010 at Camp Moses Merrill - As we had less than 20 campers there that week and as they all professed to have given their hearts to Jesus, instead of the usual closing night sermon of “God loves you and wants to save you from the sin you are living in so lets all bow our heads together and pray and you can raise your hands if you want someone to pray with you” bit, Greg opted for something a little bit different. He gave them each a piece of paper and some crayons and told them to create. And while they created, he spoke. He chose to tell these 6th, 7th, and 8th grade boys and girls that they are wonderfully and beautifully made and the God of all creation is delighted in them. We watched a video at the end from the Skit Guys that depicted God “chiseling” away all of our imperfections. It hurts, and it can be hard to let go of pride and jealousy and selfishness, but if you give God the hammer and chisel, he’ll turn you into a beautiful masterpiece.
This sermon hit hard after a long week of spending time with campers, dealing with friends who were struggling in their marriage, and working through an internal debate about who I truly believed God to be and what his plans were for me. I’ve been overweight for most of my life and spent the better part of 22 years as a single girl. I had the same self esteem that I did in 4th grade when everyone had spice girl CDs and blue and purple shiny, puffy coats and I was listening to Kim Boyce on a tape cassette walkman. I had never been popular, well liked, or very attractive. Could God really find me beautiful even when the world didn’t always share his opinion?
3. Strange Waters - Tom Wiles sometime in early spring 2011 at First Baptist Church, North Platte - The most vivid thing I remember about this sermon was that Tom told a joke how some guy always knew how to find his favorite fishing spot because when he found where the fish were biting, he’d take a piece of chalk, lean out of the side of the boat, and draw a big “X” on the side so he would know where to come back to the next time he went fishing. Super entertaining joke, but the main point of the message talked about how we need to pray to go to strange waters. We spend so much time floating around in the same tiny circle, we forget that there is a lot more ocean out there. Instead of sitting around, being complacent, and not moving, we should be praying that God leads us into strange waters so that we can grow. So that we change and be stretched in our faith. So that we can reach outside of our tiny little bubble that we live in and help someone.
I have really been struggling through whether or not I’m supposed to go in to ministry full time or if I’m supposed to just continue being an active layperson in my church. I mean, seriously, there is need for every kind of person in the church and just because I'm not (or you're not) a senior pastor at a mega church does not mean that you do not have a place as a servant in God's kingdom. This sermon helped me realize that at this point in time it doesn’t really matter whether I’ve made up my mind about joining the ministry professionally or not, what matters is that I look for and strive towards strange waters. It matters that I go to Puerto Rico to learn more about my faith. It matters that I go to Joplin to work along side my husband and our family to try and alleviate some of the anguish and the struggle that some people are facing down there. It matters that I go to St. Louis to spend a week with some of the most beautiful children I have ever interacted with and show them the love of Christ. It matters that I go to youth group and develop relationships with “my girls” and attempt to play ultimate frisbee with the boys. It matters that I sing. It matters that I create. It matters that I try and smile at everyone that I meet in hopes that their day might be made a little bit brighter by simply catching a smile from a stranger.
Keep swimming, rowing, or whatever, towards those strange waters. You’ll never know what you will find there.
4. Survive, Thrive, Get Out Alive (Celebrate God’s Glory) - Dr. Carolyn Gordon during the Friday night worship session at the American Baptist International Biennial Convention in Puerto Rico, June 2011 - Dr. Gordon spoke to a massive crowd of American Baptists on the opening night of worship. She spoke of living in a spiritual desert. She spoke of how difficult it can be we you are feeling spiritually deprived. Beautifully, she told of the crocus and how it blossoms in the dessert in spite of not having any water and in spite of the severe lack of a possibility that it’s seeds will spread. I heard her talk about yearning for an oasis. How we need to learn to focus on the fact that even though we may walk through a really dry and difficult time in our faith journey, there is water and relief at the end. Its mundanely cliche to say, but rough difficult times often lead to times of wonderful blessing and fruition.
This was maybe the first time in my entire life where I felt like someone addressing a crowd was speaking directly to me. Almost a year before I left for Puerto Rico (and the night before Greg told me about the opportunity to audition) I had the most surreal dream that a very dear friend of mine and I were auditioning for something at our church and she wanted to sing "America" from West Side Story. The only problem was, she could only remember the opening line so we stood up on the stage and just sang "Puuuuueeerto Ricooooo" over and over and over again. Then, the night before my flight to Puerto Rico, I had another dream where that same friend and I were at a different church, and this time we were showing up to perform for the congregation. Since Greg and I auditioned, I had just had this feeling that something BIG was going to happen in Puerto Rico. I knew there was going to be some life changing moment when I was there. Some big hand coming out of the rain clouds and pointing in a certain direction while that God voice boomed from above saying "Do this. Go there. Serve here."...So I went to Puerto Rico. I went with a bursting heart and open ears and a mouth full of prayer in the hopes and the anticipation that something was going happen. And I got sunburned. Went to meetings. Bought souvenirs. Ate some amazing food. Spent some seriously meaningful time in conversation. And I worshiped with some 2,000 other Christians...but there was no big hand from the sky; no booming voice from the clouds. Not even a whisper in the deepest part of my soul.
Sitting in the audience that Friday night I was just lost. I had felt that I had been sitting on a sand dune in that stupid, proverbial desert for over a year with no end in sight. Even though I returned to North Platte with a smile on my face, telling everyone how wonderful it was (and believe me, it was a beyond amazing experience), I felt so defeated. But buried deep down in my defeat was a little seed of hope. Hope that Puerto Rico was the oasis that I needed and soon I would be past the desert and be free to blossom in the full glory of God's love. Currently, I am still feeling the heat, but I believe in my heart of hearts that it is getting cooler, and water is just on the horizon.
5. Your Reputation v. God’s Identity - Tom Wiles two weeks before our youth group left of St. Louis (July 2011) First Baptist Church, North Platte - In this sermon, Pastor Tom brought up lots of different people in lots of different situations, but his main point resounded in me just like Greg's sermon about significance vs. success. Tom talked about Joseph and how he chose to give up his reputation as a well known carpenter and a respectable part of Jewish society to take on God's identity for him as the husband of the woman that was carrying the Messiah. What would you have done?
This sermon came just as our youth group was making the final preparations to leave for our mission trip to St. Louis. And while the sermon hit home while I was sitting in the pew, it wasn't until later in the week that I really chewed on it. I was sitting upstairs at the Christian Activity Center in East St. Louis with my new BFF, nine-year-old Donjahnae, and she was braiding yarn into my hair. While she was weaving away she chatted about her home life and what she liked to do at school and how she had a fairly new baby brother. Another group was working there at the same time that we were and while they were not overly accommodating to our group, we tried to be friendly. So when they interrupted my salon session with Donjahnae and asked us all to come downstairs for a brief bible lesson, we obliged. The leader of the other group was a preacher who, if you ask me, didn't take his audience into account. That guy spent the better part of fifteen minutes telling those kids (most of whom come from households that live on a $6,000 a year income) to be grateful for what they have. You are telling these kids to be grateful? These kids. We snuck extra snacks into our lunch so that we could share them with these kids. We drove through their neighborhoods on our way to the center and saw the homes of these kids. We heard the stories of missing daddies and tired mommies from these kids. AND we caught some of the biggest smiles and received some of the warmest hugs from these kids. These kids have so little compared to all of the crap that we all have sitting around our home and yet the willingly open up their sweet little hearts every week to the random new volunteers that come in and say thank you when the drive away. These kids don't need a lesson in how to be grateful....Sorry. I digress. As I sat there in this crowded and stuffy room all I could do was tear up. Donjahnae turned around and looked me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes and whispered "Brittany. Why you cryin'?" And I looked down at her and the only thing I could tell her in response was, "Friend, I am crying because I love you so much and because the God that created you and I loves you even more than either one of us could imagine." She smiled back with a look of shock and awe that only a child can show, then she wiped a tear from her eye and snuggled closer to me.
I thought about my reputation and God's identity for me again and again that week. I thought about it every time I climbed the four flights of stairs to the small room that I shared with two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I thought about it when I Zumbaed with 20 campers from 6 different states. And I thought about it as I, the ever unpopular one, made friends with people that weren't even from our mission group or church. And I thought about it every night as Sam, Greg and I sat down with our youth group to debrief the day's events and pray together for each other, our mission sites, and those we had left at home.
My reputation or God's identity for me? If my reputation was what I left behind in North Platte and God's identity for me was this new life that I had discovered with Donjahnae, and the wonderful girls that I bonded with, and the boys from our youth group that I laughed with, and with my sweet boys from Louisiana (Oh Grayson, Kennay, Landon, and Brady!), is there really a choice in that?
I have been home for almost two weeks now, and in that time I have started a new job, worked on half a dozen craft projects, and my husband has ripped out all of the tile and some of the plaster in our upstairs bathroom and is replacing a window as we speak. A lot has happened and my mind has felt a little muddled. When that happens, I tend to lapse into "facebook thought." This normally happens during periods of high stress or after spending copious amounts of time on this forsaken social networking site. I sure you can laugh with me when I say that I sometimes sink into thinking thoughts that are only as long as a status update. So, if you have read all of this ridiculously long blog (or just skimmed through to the end just to see if I ever actually made a point) and still have no idea what I am talking about, then here it what it boils down to:
My job is just my job. But my purpose in life is to SERVE the Alpha and Omega, to LOVE everyone that I come into contact with, and to CREATE with passion because God has blessed me with so many beautiful things around me and with the ambition to share His works with others through any media possible.
--
-Brittany
Monday, August 1, 2011
Half way done and a little behind
1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott- Jan. 1 - Jan. 7 - I can now say that I have read the silly thing from start to finish. I loved parts of it but other parts droned on.
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
23. Surrender the Heart by MaryLu Tyndall - July 30-31 - A great historical Christian romance book set on a ship at the beginning of the War of 1812. I started reading in on our trip home from St. Louis and it kept me entertained the whole way.
24. The Golden Acorn by Catherine Cooper - Some time in June - This book turned out to be for a slightly younger audience than I was anticipating so I was bored with it.
25. Summer's Crossing by Julie Kagawa - Sometime in July - A novella introducing characters of a Fairy book series. The current trend of Amazon seems to be to write a pre-series book that introduces everyone to you and put that on the free list.
26. Journey to the Well by Dianna Wallis Taylor - July 25-28 - This was maybe my favorite book thus far. Set in Samaria during the time time of Jesus, this fictional tale creates the life of the woman from the well before she meets Jesus. A tale of heart break and bitterness that is turned into a sincere love story about Marah and the God Who See Her. Loved it!
Eeep! Its the end of July and I'm only half way done! Better pick up the pace I guess!
2. The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke - Jan. 7 - Jan. 12 - A really neat book, especially if you like Christian fiction or anything else that Oke has written. I downloaded it onto my Kindle because it was on a free-promo thing, and fell in love with it. Definitely an amazing message about the light that God brings into our lives.
3. Whirl of the Wheel by Catherine Condie - Jan. 12 - Jan. 15 - An odd little book about time travel. Super fluffy and I think geared toward younger readers. I don't like super detail heavy books, but this one was so lacking in it that it was hard to connect to any of the characters. I liked the basic story line, but would have liked a some information about what was going on historically and why she was in a wheelchair.
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett - Jan. 15 - Jan. 24 - I had seen 3 different movie versions of this book and enjoyed it quite a bit. Burnett's descriptions of the garden and the changes that take place in it are so vibrant and alive that I couldn't help but want to go and visit. Definitely a great classic.
5. Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn - Jan. 27 - Jan. 29 - Just a precursor: No, I'm not pregnant. It was free on Amazon and it just seemed like it would be an interesting read, and boy was it! Muhlhahn manages to leave me with a sense of empowerment as a women and provided with me with confidence that I'm sure will come in handy when Sam and I do make the decision to start our family. I'm not typically a "hippie, holistic, mother nature" kind of person, but this book did an amazing job of presenting other options of labor and delivery besides being bed ridden, on your back, full of needles in a sterile (and often frightening) hospital room with everyone and their dog looking at your whoo-hah. She was not overly feministic, and spent a good deal of time discussing how hospitals are really good things in high risk pregnancies and when things go wrong, but normally, when left to her own devices, a woman can deliver her baby minus drugs and people sticking their hands all up inside them. I don't know if homebirth is something I would try, especially living in the midwest where midwives aren't in every neighborhood, but it is a great read for any woman who has thought about questioning why things are the way they are. I would definitely recommend it to any woman!
6. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James - Jan. 29 - Feb. 1 - Meh. It was half period romance novel, half Christian fiction. I enjoyed the setting and the detail that James put into describing our characters and how the vantage point shifted from chapter to chapter (it really allowed the reader to connect with multiple characters). A good quick read.
7. Reasons to be Pretty by Neil LaBute - Feb. 2 - Feb. 3 - Oh Mr. LaBute, this may be my favorite play that he has written. It ends with a little glimmer of hope and it made me happy.
8. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 7 - Feb. 9 - This would have had an end date of Feb. 8, but I technically read past midnight last night so I actually finished it today. I find it really funny how I try really hard to not watch the "bestseller" lists because I feel like its "letting the man win" or something, but when I do give in and read whats popular at the moment, it almost always a good read, even if it has some gapping holes and some strange (not to mention fairly gross) plotlines(Twilight) or even if it's not the most memorable book I've ever read. I sat in our cold little bathroom well into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish The Hunger Games. This Lord of the Flys meets The Hatchet epic kept me on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give much away, because I would recommend this book to anyone, but I would also like to emphasize that I would not let an elementary school student read it. Not only are there some very graphic, morbid parts, but the overall tone of the book is very disturbing and I think might really frighten a younger audience. Definitely worth picking up!
9. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins Feb. 9 - Feb. 10 - The 2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, and just as rivoting as the first. I don't believe I can get my hands on book #3 fast enough!
10. Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins - Feb. 12 - Feb. 13 - The third installment of The Hunger Games trilogy. Really guys, read these books!
11. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen - Feb. 27 - March 2 - I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started this story, but as usual, it was on the "free promotional" list on Amazon.com so I got it. This beautiful story about a 93 year old man in a nursing home is poignant and insightful. During his flashbacks to his life in circus, Gruen exposes us to the nitty-gritty behind the scenes work that us "rubes" never get to see. This strange lifestyle is something that we've all been curious about and we've all threatened to run of and do from time to time. While in the present, Gruen carefully takes us through the struggles of the indignity that is the aging and nursing home process in America. I would rate it PG-13 for some graphic violence and some sexual content, but all in all a lovely book.
12. After the Leaves Fall by Nicole Baart - March 3 - March 7 - There have been some really difficult things happening in my life at the moment, and this book was exactly what I needed. It may be one of the few free books that I have read on Amazon that I actually want to spend the money to get the rest of the books in the series, Summer Snow and Beneath the Night Tree. (In fact, I just took a break from writing this entry to do so.) This coming of age story about Julia, a character with whom every small town girl can relate to, follows a heartbreaking and frustrating path from a fallen, broken little girl to a fallen, broken woman in search of the grace that only come from the Father above. I didn't even know that this was a Christian fiction book until I got a fair amount into it, and I thought the spiritual aspect of the book was beautifully presented without being overly pushy. In Baart's first novel, I commend her for her beautiful analogies and comforting text. Many of the scenes left me heartbroken and in tears but the book ends with an amazing sense of hope. I can't wait to read the next book!
13. Summer Snow by Nicole Baart - March 7 - March 13 - The 2nd book of this trilogy was just as warm and touching as the first. As we continue to get to know Julia, and her crazy family, Baart does an exceptional job of capturing small town life and the difficulties with gossip, work, and an ever evolving family.
14. Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart - March 13 - March 18 - The perfect end to this trilogy. Painful in places because I knew what was coming and my heart broke for Julia's situation, but it ended just like I had hoped. Well done, Ms. Baart. Thank you for sharing this family with us!
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike - April 13 - April 15 - Another freebie on the Amazon list, and of course, I had to go get the sequel this morning from the Library. If you enjoyed the mythical nature and teenage angst of Twilight, this book is for you. A bit far fetched at times, but a quick an entertaining summer read if nothing else.
16. Spells by Aprilynne Pike - April 17 - April 18 - The sequel to Wings. I found this book just as entertaining as the first one and now I am completely sucked into the central love story. The third book is set to release the first week of May, so until then this Faerie story will be on pause. Can't wait!
17. Walking on Broken Glass by Christa Allan - April 20 - May 6 - READ THIS BOOK! That is all. A beautiful story about redemption and learning to be who you were created to be.
18. Illusions by Aprilynne Pike - May 10-13 - Darn you Aprilynne! I thought this would be the final book in the series and now I must wait a whole year before the real final book comes out. Great book in the series and I will hang on this cliff for awhile!
19. Alice at Heart by Deborah Smith - May 22-23 - I don't know how I got another fantasy book in here but I enjoyed it. This tale about mermaids and "landers" gives a great example of how far we go to fit into "normal".
20. Elisha's Bones by Don Hoesel - Sometime around Memorial Day - If you liked Angels and Demons or The DaVinci Code, I'm pretty sure you would enjoy this book. A book about intrigue, puzzles, conspiracy, and of course, a long lost biblical artifact. Elisha's Bones gets a little gory in some parts and a little long in others, but a decent enjoyable read.
21. A Tailor-Made Bride by Karen Witemeyer - First part of June - Ok, cute book and lovely story line and all, but it was super frustrating! Let me precursor with this: I love historical romance, Christian romance, and even a little smut now and again. This book tried to combine all three and honestly it made me feel like I was some sort of pervert. The author would talk about how the leading lady was noticing how the leading man's shirt stretched across his sinewy shoulders and firm chest and how is pants shaped his rear end and then the leading lady would chastise herself for looking at him in such a way, which in turn left me, as the reader, feeling like I was being a perv for thinking of him that way when she was the one putting the stupid thoughts in my head!
22. The Strange Case of Finley Jayne by Kady Cross - June 8-10 - This book is the prequel to The Girl in the Steel Corset and I am finding the whole Steampunk genre very oddly interesting. If you're out of the loop and unaware of what Steampunk is, the oh-so reliable Wikipedia defined Steampunk as "a sub-genre of science fiction, alternate history, and speculative fiction...an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century and often Victorian era Britain—that incorporates prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy. Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them; in other words, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne or real technologies like the computer but developed earlier in an alternate history." I totally loved the dark undertones of the book and how they mixed with the Victorian setting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this style!"
23. Surrender the Heart by MaryLu Tyndall - July 30-31 - A great historical Christian romance book set on a ship at the beginning of the War of 1812. I started reading in on our trip home from St. Louis and it kept me entertained the whole way.
24. The Golden Acorn by Catherine Cooper - Some time in June - This book turned out to be for a slightly younger audience than I was anticipating so I was bored with it.
25. Summer's Crossing by Julie Kagawa - Sometime in July - A novella introducing characters of a Fairy book series. The current trend of Amazon seems to be to write a pre-series book that introduces everyone to you and put that on the free list.
26. Journey to the Well by Dianna Wallis Taylor - July 25-28 - This was maybe my favorite book thus far. Set in Samaria during the time time of Jesus, this fictional tale creates the life of the woman from the well before she meets Jesus. A tale of heart break and bitterness that is turned into a sincere love story about Marah and the God Who See Her. Loved it!
Eeep! Its the end of July and I'm only half way done! Better pick up the pace I guess!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Find my identity and letting go of my reputation:
My husband and I just bought a house. In North Platte. Yes, the town that I said I would never go back to. But, now I'm here and we have made this commitment to be here for at least five years. Sam loves his job and enjoys the work that we get to do in our church and the Sunday evening soccer league that he plays in with some area doctors and other guys. He enjoys the fishing, Brothers Tavern, and the fact that we now have a garage that allows him to dink around on cars and a new house with a plethora of opportunities for him to expand his Mr. Fix-It skills (a talent that a truly respect and admire in him. He has fixed our garage door opener, dishwasher, basement sink trap, washing machine drain, and is in the process of installing a shower in our upstairs bathroom.) My husband is truly amazing. I knew the moment that I met him that he was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined and every day I appreciate him more and more. I don't know how many thousands of dollars he has saved people over the years by helping them with cars, household stuff, computers, etc. He thrives in the role of being that guy that can fix anything.
But what about me? Where do I belong in this town? When I worked at the Playhouse, I was simply that. I felt flat. I felt like people only saw me as the face of the Playhouse and nothing more. My reputation reigned supreme as the girl who volunteered for everything, worked long hours, and would bend over backwards for everything. I lost my health, gave my husband way more grief than he ever deserved, and I lost myself. I thought I was only theatre. Then it all ended.
I have been working part time for the past 7 months with very little theatre in my life and it has completely changed me. I have learned that there is so much more to me. I can be a songwriter, a housecleaner, a person of faith with a developing theology, a really good best friend, and a decent wife. For years I thought that theatre was the only way that I could express myself. It was my only outlet for self expression. Now I can express myself through fabric and yarn and paper and music and all other things artistic that I never knew about. Things and ideas that I never dreamed I was capable of!
In a little over a week I'm going to back to full time. I'm so happy for the opportunity because its going to allow me to reach some goals that Sam and I have been striving for. It will be easier to pay the bills and for me to keep up my new found love for crafting. My hope and my prayer is that I be able to cling to my identity and not let the idea of a reputation get the better of me.
But what about me? Where do I belong in this town? When I worked at the Playhouse, I was simply that. I felt flat. I felt like people only saw me as the face of the Playhouse and nothing more. My reputation reigned supreme as the girl who volunteered for everything, worked long hours, and would bend over backwards for everything. I lost my health, gave my husband way more grief than he ever deserved, and I lost myself. I thought I was only theatre. Then it all ended.
I have been working part time for the past 7 months with very little theatre in my life and it has completely changed me. I have learned that there is so much more to me. I can be a songwriter, a housecleaner, a person of faith with a developing theology, a really good best friend, and a decent wife. For years I thought that theatre was the only way that I could express myself. It was my only outlet for self expression. Now I can express myself through fabric and yarn and paper and music and all other things artistic that I never knew about. Things and ideas that I never dreamed I was capable of!
In a little over a week I'm going to back to full time. I'm so happy for the opportunity because its going to allow me to reach some goals that Sam and I have been striving for. It will be easier to pay the bills and for me to keep up my new found love for crafting. My hope and my prayer is that I be able to cling to my identity and not let the idea of a reputation get the better of me.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Fighting the Fear
This past Tuesday was the second to last episode of The Biggest Loser and the contestants were presented a challenge where they had to "put the weight back on" and carry it across a golf course, dropping of their weekly weighloss at each hole. Even though my weight loss is a quarter of what they have lost in 20 weeks, I took on this challenge the other day and walked to all of my errands (the library, bank, doctor's office, rec center, church, and grocery store = 5 miles total) with enough weight in my backpack to equal what I have lost thus far. Over the course of my walking, I just listened some easy guitar music and reflected on who I am and who I'm trying to become. The biggest concusion that I came to is that I am so fearful of everything it makes it hard to get anywhere! Here are some examples of the things that I am afraid of:
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Finding my self worth in...myself?
Recently, I was reading a friend's blog about her amazing experiences as a mom. She also posted about holy week and she's trying to live her life in an earth friendly way. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her beautiful writing.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
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