This past Tuesday was the second to last episode of The Biggest Loser and the contestants were presented a challenge where they had to "put the weight back on" and carry it across a golf course, dropping of their weekly weighloss at each hole. Even though my weight loss is a quarter of what they have lost in 20 weeks, I took on this challenge the other day and walked to all of my errands (the library, bank, doctor's office, rec center, church, and grocery store = 5 miles total) with enough weight in my backpack to equal what I have lost thus far. Over the course of my walking, I just listened some easy guitar music and reflected on who I am and who I'm trying to become. The biggest concusion that I came to is that I am so fearful of everything it makes it hard to get anywhere! Here are some examples of the things that I am afraid of:
-Sam dying without me getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he has done for me.
-My parents dying.
-Being in a plane crash en route to or from Puerto Rico
-Being in a car accident
-Getting cancer
-Sam getting in an accident on his motorcycle
-Not being able to have children
-Never finding a career that fulfills me while paying my bills
-Not being remembered
-Possums
-Water I can't see to the bottom of
-Creepy looking guys
-Someone breaking in to our house when I am home alone
-My cat dying
-What's going to happen to my brothers
The list goes on and on. And while I'm sure some of you were reading that list and thinking, "Well, Brittany, most of those are rational fears and struggles that we all deal with from time to time." But I don't think you understand. Fear runs my life. While reading a book on relationships, the author presented a list of all of the most common (emotional and mental needs) fears and I could easily check of 17 of the list of a little over 20.
I've always been prone to worrying. My mom can tell you a story about how I came home from school one day in tears because a little girl from Bosnia was pictured on the cover and she was missing an eye that had been hit by shrapnel. I was so worried about her because now she only had one eye and was living in this awful, wartorn zone and what if that zone came to us? Why didn't we have gas masks and a bomb shelter in our home?...I was 7.
I have got to keep fighting the things that I fear. I used to be afraid of losing weight because all I could remember was all the times that I had tried before and failed. Now look at me! One fear down.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Finding my self worth in...myself?
Recently, I was reading a friend's blog about her amazing experiences as a mom. She also posted about holy week and she's trying to live her life in an earth friendly way. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her beautiful writing.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
I also have a college friend that has traveled around the world. Her blog brings to light social injustice and her strong desire to help fix this broken world. Every time I read her posts, I get so jealous because of her firm convictions.
Growing up I've always defined myself (and my self worth) by what I have done. I've been involved in over 50 theatrical productions; I was drum major in high school; I have performed in countless vocal ensembles; I placed in a national 4-H competition; I work out some 10-15 hours a week. These are all things that I DO. In college I was super uncomfortable because I had some amazingly smart friends. Like, friends that got letters from J.K. Rowling because their writing was so amazing and spent semesters overseas and went to graduate school for biomedical mathematics. I simply couldn't keep up with them academically so I tried to be their comic relief when they needed a break. I was the girl trying to jump into my bunk bed via large exercise ball and telling the study group about my hilarious first time at the gyno just to get a laugh. I needed to respond and give me some value.
When I took the job in North Platte, I became that girl that wouldn't say no to any project. Every committee, every event, every favor. I threw myself into the business scene in North Platte, just trying to show everyone that I had value and that I can contribute to society. I needed them to affirm that I had some worth.
What have I gained from all of this need for affirmation and worth? Panic attacks. Emotional breakdowns. Stress on my marriage. An unhealthly lifestyle that has lead to some severe yo-yo diets. No time to read. No time to take a vacation. No time for much of anything. When I finally walked away from it, I thought things would magically get better.
They didn't.
I am currently 25 and working two part time jobs. My husband and I live in a shoe box with a fairly tight budget and our social life is rather limited. The thought of becoming a mother scares the daylights out of me and I don't really know what I would be successful at if I tried to go back to school. My life feels rather depressing at the moment. I have friends who are working on their Master's degrees, going to med school, and starting families. It really makes me look at myself and think, "Sheesh...what in the world am I doing?"
I have always been that girl that is doing stuff and right now it feels like I have nothing to do. Greg and I continue to struggle through the song writing process and the other day I wrote a fairly mopey one that stated "Lord, just please give me some worth." I posted a while ago about how I was delighted to feel like I was coming to the end of this growing period in my life but now it feels like I was all wrong. Maybe it's time for me to find some self worth in myself instead of always looking to everyone else.
In a society that expects a resume in order to schedule a coffee date and our accomplishments are listed at the top of our facebook page, how possible is it to learn to refocus our need to feel valued by society?
Max Lucado wrote a series of children's books about the Wemmicks, a very confused and frustrating society of wooden people. In You Are Special, the Wemmicks run around putting gold stars and black dots on each other to celebrate their accomplishments or admonish clumsiness or scratched paint. I'm tired of needing gold stars and living in fear of black dots. Max Lucado's answer to the day in and day out rat race is to simply spend time with your Maker.
It's not an over night thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a brand new amazing person. But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up tomorrow a few stickers lighter and if I continue to reshift my need for attention to my heavenly Father, the stickers won't stick anymore.
I titled this blog finding my self worth in myself, but now I don't really know if that's true. My self worth will no longer come from the world around me or even from within myself. My self worth needs to be coming from my Father above.
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